FARTS, episode X, I see dead people
Macc: Hi everyone and welcome to FARTS! Today we'll have long gone beloved ones all
over the set! *looks around* Hey! Ultros, where's the audience?
Ultros: *does nothing since he isn't present*
Macc: Where's that squid? Gilgamesh, have you seen Ultros?
Gilgamesh: *isn't there either*
Macc: *looks around* Where is everyone? Vegeta? Lunaris? Hello?
Echo: Hello... heeello...
Macc: What's going on here?! We're on air, godcrapit!
Audience: *says nothing, naturally*
Macc: This is creepy...
*Suddenly all lights go out.*
Macc: Umm... OK, something's utterly wrong... keep calm, breathe... wait, I don't need to breathe since I'm a robot... but something's wrong. Ahh! What if Joutei has kidnapped everyone?! Wait... is that a bad thing? *considers it for a while*
*considers it a bit longer*
Macc: Well, I guess it should be bad since that means no more FARTS. But I can't really figure out if THAT'S a bad thing either...
Voice from the ceiling (shadow of Kunoichi): I say we drop the cake on him.
(Shadow of Vegeta): Not painful enough.
(Shadow of Pikachu): Pika?
Macc: *looks around in confusion*
(S.o. Mr. T (ohhh, a black square!)): No wasting cake, foo'!
(S.o. Vegeta): Why are we doing this anyway? Says nothing about being nice in the contracts!
(S.o. Lunaris): Nopes, but a parties is always fun, rights?
(S.o Vegeta): No. I hate being social.
(S.o. Lunaris): Whatevers.
(S.o. Dark Macc): This is stupid.
(S.o. Kunoichi): But I WANNA drop the cake on him!
(S.o. Dark Macc, Doppler, Vegeta, Ultros, Gilgamesh, Kefka, Zeromus and Exdeath): So do we!
(S.o. Cats): Do so we!
(S.o. Lavos): *silently* rooaaarrr... (Translation: Agreed. But you see, my lady, due to technical facts we cannot drop anything on Macc.)
(S.o. Kunoichi): Oh?
(S.o. everyone spoken earlier (except the female ninja and Cats) plus Rampage, Cloud, Celes, Zero, SpoonyBard, Mazrim Taim, Cidolfas and Rast): Because it's Merlin's job to get hit by stuff from above!
(S.o. Cats): Merlin's job because above stuff get hit.
(S.o. Merlin): *groan*
Macc: *still looking around, trying to track the source of the voices*
(S.o. Mazrim): Let's just go!
*Lights are turned on*
Macc: What the...?!
Everyone except Dark Macc, Vegeta, Cats and Lavos: Happy X (insert number) episode!!
Vegeta and Dark Macc: ...
Cats: Happy be number X episode!
Lavos: RRROOOARRR!! (Translation... nah, you know what he's saying already.)
Big cake: *lands on Merlin with a SPLOFF!*
Voice from beneath cake: Well, at least I can eat my way out of this one...
Audience: *suddenly appearing out of nowhere* Hooray!!
Macc: Wow...!? You guys planned a party for this episode?
Rast: Yep! Surprised?
Macc: Yeah, especially because there's really nothing special about this number...
Vegeta: Exactly! So let's just get down to business and do the show!
Celes: Party pooper!
Vegeta: Ya wanna rumble with ME, you puny woman?!
Celes: Nope, but Mr. T owes me a little something since I've promised him some milk DeLuxe for new years eve... *smiles in a lovely way*
Mr. T: That's right, moffos! This lil' lady here's got a friend for life!
Vegeta: *sweatdrops, a cross on his forehead ticking at the same time* Uh... just take the cake to the commissary and we'll party after the show.
Macc: Ya know, I think that's a good idea. We won't have to share the cake with the audie... err, I mean it'll be better for the time schedule. Everybody to your stations! And somebody take the cake to the commissary!
Vegeta: *holds out his hands and blasts the cake through the walls in the right direction* There! Move out!
*Everybody except Macc leaves the scene*
Macc: Okay, then we'll move on to the real show! Today we'll be interviewing people who died during their quests...
Ultros: Hey, how are you going to manage that?
Ultros: Well, if they're dead...
Macc: You are a shame for the video game stars, Ultros.
Ultros: *sob* Can't you just throw me into a plot hole instead? *sob*
Macc: Just because you want me to, NO!
Ultros: *sob, snicker, sob*
Macc: Well then, our first guest! Tellah from FF2/4j!
Macc: What is it now, then?
Gilgamesh: *comes running with a phone in his hand* Tellah just called, it's one heck of a traffic between heaven and here for the moment, so he'll be late.
Macc: Okay then, we'll... Gilgamesh, isn't that the phone from the commissary?
Macc: Isn't it supposed to be attached to the wall or something?
Gilgamesh: Uh... *runs away*
Macc: Now who didn't expect that... well, we'll head on to Galuf from FF5! And music... maybe this one...
(Song playing: Lenna's theme)
Macc: Well, at least it's from the right game...
Galuf: Why the hell are you playing that pink-haired little brat of a spoiled princess' song when *I* enter?!
Macc: Uh... what?
Galuf: What do you mean "what"? Did you really think a hardy warrior like me would be a cute lil' ol' man?
Macc: Well, uh... that's the idea I got from Kururu/Cara.
Galuf: Pha, that little crybaby just needs to grow up! Can't have me toddling around her all the time, I've got better things to do!
Macc: But you died trying to protect her!
Vegeta (through intercom): No soppyness! This is a talkshow, not a godcrapped soapopera!
Exdeath: *rushes in* Hey Veggy, haven't you ever watched Oprah Winfrey? Soppyness is the source of ratings!
Galuf: ... He seems so... familiar...?
Gilgamesh: *edges back in, without the phone but with a roll of glue tape forgotten in his hand* Boss, do you watch Oprah Winfrey?
Exdeath: Uh... no, umm, I mean... umm, my wife does!
Macc: You're not married!
Exdeath: Am too!
Gilgamesh: And you didn't tell us, your best pals?
Exdeath: Why should I tell YOU about it?
Gilgamesh: But we missed the wedding and everything!
Galuf: Hello! Are you going to focus on me or that familiar dude?!
Macc: So who's the... *coughuncough*lucky one? And why do I have a feeling I'll regret asking...
Exdeath: *turns around* Honey! My boss wants to meet you!
Voice from the side of the scene: Coming Exxy, darling!
Half audience: Aww...
Other half of audience: *head for the bathroom to worship the gods of the sacred porcelain*
Lilymon (from the Digimon series, duh...): *enters* Here I am! *giggles as she flies up to sit on Exdeath's shoulder, cuddling up to his helmet*
Exdeath: Hello dearest. *holds up his hand to point at her* Isn't she lovely?
Lilymon: You're so sweet, Exxy *giggles*
Macc: Oh God...
Ultros: Oh Poseidon...
Vegeta: Oh me...
Gilgamesh: Oh Speedy Gonzales...
Half audience: Aww...
Other half of audience: *peek into the set but then return to the bathroom for another round of holy activities*
Exdeath: So that's why I wanted this weekend off, Macc. Well, can I? Please?
Lilymon: Oh please, sir! *giggles* He's promised me a romantic dinner and...
Exdeath: *helmet blushing... hey, you can't see his face, how is he supposed to show embarrassment?* Honey, shh...
Macc: *choked voice as he fights the instinct to follow half the audience* Yeah... sure... go... leave... please...
Lilymon: Thank you, cutie! *giggles*
*The two of them leave*
Macc: Thank all good powers...
Vegeta: This is going to hurt our ratings! And I'm gonna hurt someone for that!
Macc: Yeah, yeah, just have a go with Ultros later on.
Ultros: *sweatdrops* Uhh... yeah! That'll be fun!
Vegeta: ... What? No way am I gonna torture anyone who likes it!
Macc: Okay! Pick your prey for yourself next time! Anyone but me.
Vegeta: Darn, almost had the blue ass...
Macc: *ignores Vegeta* So Galuf, why were you...
Galuf: IT WAS EXDEATH!!
Macc: Err, yeah. So?
Galuf: I KNEW I KNEW HIS HELMET! I'M GONNA TAKE HIM DOWN FOR GOOD! *rushes out after Exxy... err, Exdeath and Lilymon*
Cloud: And so the great Galuf went on his second quest, perhaps to live it out this time.
Vegeta: Spike! Get him back here, we weren't done!
Cloud: I don't want to, he was reminding me of Cid!
Vegeta: Okay, I've picked my victim! You're going down, blondie!
*Several crashes from the wall and sounds of fierce battle can be heard through the narrator's speakers*
Macc: This is worse than usual, don't you think?
Ultros: *is writing something on a piece of paper. A large pile of filled white sheets lies beside him*
Gilgamesh: Ugh, have to agree on it. *turns back to his bucket, still not done after meeting his former boss' wife*
Macc, suspiciously: Ultros, what are you doing?
Ultros: Writing a book of reversed psychology! *Chord of the eminent "Hallelujah!" tune is heard* I've found my calling!
Macc: O... kay. So who's the next guest? *checks through the notes for the show, wondering where those came from*
*While Macc isn't looking, Dark Macc edges in*
Dark Macc: Hey Ultros, can I have a look at that?
Ultros: Are you going to tear it into pieces and shout at me that it's a piece of crap?
Dark Macc: Only if it doesn't fit this marvelous plan I just got.
Ultros: Umm, I don't think Macc...
Dark Macc: *glares at Ultros*
Ultros: All yours!
*Dark Macc shovels the pile of filled papers into his hands and sneaks out. Ultros goes back to writing on the last paper*
Macc: Okay, our next guest is...
Tellah: *falls through the roof* Gasp! Did I make it?
Macc: ... it's Tellah of FF2/4j! (Phew, I don't think anybody noticed it...)
Tellah: And I was sure that I'd be late! *gets up from the floor*
Macc: Welcome! Wait, I'll change the music... *pushes random button*
(Song playing: Opera battle theme, FF3/6j)
Macc: Wha...?! Opera battle!?
Ultros: Whee! Party, party! *throws away the pen and the paper, starts dancing*
*Audience, Macc, Gilgamesh and Tellah's jaws drop as they stare at Ultros single-tentacledly performing a foxtrot of four persons. Even the sound of battle between Vegeta and Cloud disappears in shocked awe*
Macc: *finally awakes* Damn! *pushes another button*
Macc: Nooo! They're stuck! I can't change it!
Ultros: *still dancing*
Macc: Okay, let's face it. I must have died and come to Hell...
Tellah: Oh. That would explain that it took so long to get here.
Cloud: There is no Hell, you moron! Only lifestr...
Vegeta: Shut up and fight like a man, pussy!
Cloud: Bring it on, freak!
*battle starts again*
Ultros: *dances off the stage*
Macc: Phew! Okay, the horror's gone, let's start the interview and forget all about it.
Tellah: Fine with me.
Macc: So, Tellah, you're the one who died trying to defeat Golbez of FF2/4j.
Tellah: That's right.
Macc: However your greatest deed was to create the saying "you spoony bard".
Tellah: If I had ever imagined how big that would be I would have gone to commercials instead of magic. There's more money in that. However I was killed before having any chance to exploit the possibilities.
Macc: Don't we all... so, would you...
SpoonyBard: *enters* You called?
Macc: No, we're just having an interview. We're on air, go back to the commissary!
SpoonyBard: Oh. Hey Macc, what's Ultros doing?
Macc: I don't want to know!
SpoonyBard: Good idea. *leaves*
Macc: So Tellah, would you do something different if you had a second chance?
Tellah: I wouldn't waste my life on casting Meteo, seeing that it didn't work anyway. I could just have followed Cecil and leveled up until we were strong enough to b...
Ultros: *tap-dances across the scene wearing a hat and holding a black stick in his hand*
Macc: GOD!! *ducks behind a chair, covering his ear sensors with his hands*
Tellah: ... Okay, I take that back! Meteo!!
Ultros: Uh-oh... *gets smacked through the floor in a storm of burning rocks*
Tellah: Urgh... I... did it... again... *collapses*
*A transparent image of Tellah with a halo and wings leaves his body*
Macc: *gets up* Thanks, but how can you be a ghost now? Weren't you already dead?
Tellah: I dunno. Well, seems like I have to go again, then. Bye. *drifts upwards through the hole in the ceiling*
Macc: This episode is just going great... well then! Who's the next guest? *checks the notes* Every regular monster slain by the heroes in every RPG?!
*the whole building starts to tremble*
*an army of monsters of different sizes, types and swapped palettes rush onto the scene and falls down the hole left by the meteors.*
Ten minutes later.
Macc: Aren't they done soon?
One hour later.
Macc: *reading a paper*
Three hours later.
Gilgamesh: Boss! I think those slimes were the last!
Macc: *wakes up and watches a happy blob tumble into the depths of the HQ.* Well, finally! Let's continue! *checks the notes* Well whaddaya know! It's Aeris of FF7 up next!
Vegeta: Ouff! What are you...?!
Macc: Hey, looks like this is working again! Maybe I can change the music...
(Song playing: Battle theme of Wingly areas, Legend of the Dragoon)
Aeris: Am I on? *enters, looks around* Oh dear, this looks like the playground in Midgar after the pillar fell...
Cloud: AAAEEERIIIS!! *crashes are heard through the speakers*
Vegeta: Oh no you don't!
Cloud: Yes I do!
*sounds of battle continues with new fury as Cloud wants to end it fast*
Aeris: I thought I heard Cloud...?
Macc: Probably just your imagination! Have a seat, excuse all the rubble...
Aeris: No, no, that's alright. Feels like home. *sits down*
Macc: So, you're Aeris. Some people say you're a wimp with no character. What have you got to say about that?
Aeris: It's not my fault that the script writer was so mean to me, you know! I would have wanted to be much tougher, then I would have given Sephiroth a well deserved beating. But no, no... I was to get killed and dropped in a lake, you know!
Cloud: Aeris, I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you!! Vegeta, let go of my...!
Vegeta: Sissy! Get a girlfriend who can fight!
Cloud: Says he who dates that moronic psycho Bulma! Ha!
Vegeta: Why you!!
Aeris: *looks around in confusion* Cloud?
Macc: So you'd really like a more aggressive character style, huh?
Aeris: Of course! Being a flowergirl is cute and all, but it gets real old really fast, you know. And I could never compete with Tifa about Cloud, you know. He's a mercenary, know what I'm saying? He likes tough girls...
Cloud: Nooo! Aeris, I love you!
*battle rages on*
Macc: I guess that we at least have won a new addition with this interview!
Aeris: And what's that?
Macc: We've finally reached real talkshowstatus after all your "you know"! Thank you for coming, Aeris.
Aeris: No problem, you know what I'm saying? Bye! *leaves*
Cloud: NOOO!! It's all your fault, Vegeta! I'll kill you!
*battle rages on*
Macc: That went really well! Who's the next guest?
Dark Macc: *reading Ultros' book of reversed psychology* Ah yes! Yes! This is it! Mwahahaha!!
To be continued??