A FARTS Where Nothing Goes Wrong... ....Hopefully....
On the FARTS set...
Macc: Hello everyone, welcome to FARTS, I'm-
Dark Macc: A LOSER!
Macc: *sweatdrop* I'll ignore that comment. Anyways, I'm Macc Maverick and welcome to a hopefully normal episode of FARTS, where no sadistic villains will attempt to ruin the show. I asked Schala to make sure of that....
Meanwhile in The Villains' Bar....
*various shadowy figures each resembling a villain from the FARTS and FanFARTS episodes who DIDN'T get stuck in a contract with Macc sit in the dark room staring angrily at a pink pyramidlike seal covering the Gate that leads to the FARTS HQ*
Random Villain: So, who's up for another game of poker?
Back at the FARTS set....
Macc: Finally! A normal day! I have a good feeling about today's episode! Ultros, music!
Ultros: Right away! *turns on "The Millennial Fair" music*
Macc: So, welcome our first guest, coming all the way from Chrono Cross, Kid!
Kid: *walks in, several males drool. Macc's happy expression leaves when he notices Kid is wearing the same revealing outfit she always wears*
Macc: *sweatdrops* Um, first question, what's with the skimpy outfit?
Kid: Blimy! What be the prob'm with my bloody outfit, mate? I like it just fine, thank ye very much!
Kid: Oy, would you blokes quit that? I'm already taken!
Ultros+Gilgamesh: *lower their heads* Awwww.....
Kid: Why does this always happen to me? I mean, Serge wanted to shag me the day we met, for bloody sake!
Dark Macc: It's the outfit.
Kid: Bugger this! I dun' need to stand around here 'n be insulted all day! I'm gone! *leaps up on a catwalk, and jumps through a window*
Ultros+Gilgamesh: *lower their heads* Awwww.....
Macc: Aw, nutbunnies. She left 10 minutes too early! Thanks loads, guys.
Vegeta: (from director's booth) Is something I should know about going on down there?
Macc: No! Nothing wrong!
Vegeta: (from director's booth) Good.
Macc: Okay, let's move on. let's meet our next guest, Faris!
*Faris walks in, still dressed in her usual heavy pirate gear*
Faris: Aye. *sits down*
Macc: One question, why are you still cross-dressing?
Faris: Glad ye asked that, lad. Ye see, after I left me crew, the whole pose-as-a-guy thing stuck to me. Besides, me only other option then is big fancy dresses!
Macc: Wow, can't say I blame you for keeping the guy look.
Faris: Not ta mention I discovered me preference fer females.
Faris: Only kiddin'!
Macc: Thank God.
Faris: Anythin' else?
Macc: Yeah. How do you feel about your sister and Bartz being together?
Faris: Don't matter to me, matey. Glad tar see my sister happy with someone.
*ExDeath bursts in*
ExDeath: STOP EVERYTHING!
Macc: What's wrong?
ExDeath: I can't allow one of the fiends who defeated me be here! I want a battle! Let's dance, Faris! *gets into fighting pose*
Faris: Syldra! *Syldra comes out and beats the crap out of ExDeath*
ExDeath: (beaten and bruised) Oh, poop! And I thought I was gonna win, too! *leaves*
Faris: Be that all?
Macc: Yup. You can leave now.
Faris: Thank'ee. *leaves*
Meanwhile, back at The Villains' Bar....
Villain1: Ready, GO!
*the villains begin pounding on the seal, but fail to dent it*
Villain2: Well that didn't work....
Villain3: Any other ideas, guys?
Back at the FARTS set....
*Macc is seen in conversation with Umaro. Umaro's theme plays in the background*
Macc: Oh really? Tell me more!
Macc: You said it.
Macc: Well, thanks for your time, Umaro. Maybe I'll see you again.
Umaro: Uggggggh...... *starts to leave, then spots Ultros*
Ultros: *looks nervous* Uhhhh.... what?
Umaro: Uggggggh...... *uses Blizzard Orb on Ultros, completely encasing him in ice. Feeling victorious, Umaro beats his chest like a gorilla and leaves*
Macc: Well at least that one went well!
Ultros: *still encased in ice* What do you mean?! I'm completely encased in ice!
Macc: Like I said, it went well! Wonder who we interview next....
*Lina Inverse (yes, the one from Slayers) enters*
Macc: What the hell?!
Lina: Oops! This isn't the post office! *turns around to leave*
Dark Macc: *runs after her* Wait! Maybe you could teach me that Dragon-Slave technique!
Lina: *still leaving* Yeah right. *exits*
Dark Macc: Dammit. It was worth a shot.... *storms off*
Macc: .....anyway, I wonder who we'll be interviewing next....
*Celes (the FF6 one, not the Mysidian one) enters. Due to Ultros being stuck in ice, Umaro's theme continues to play*
Macc: Celes? What are you doing here? I thought you were at the commissary! I can't interview my own staff!
FF6-Celes: I don't know what you're talking about.
Gilgamesh: Heh heh heh.... thought you could fool us with a blonde wig, eh, Celes? Come on, We know it's you!
FF6-Celes: What are you guys talking about?
Gilgamesh: Now, now. You can't fool us, Celes!
FF6-Celes: Fool you? What do you mean?
Macc: Wait a sec, that's the Final Fantasy 6 Celes!
FF6-Celes: DUH! Who'd you think I was?
Macc: Nevermind. Um, okay, first question! How's your relationship with Locke faring?
FF6-Celes: Oh, it's going great! Locke just got me this jeweled golden ring last week to celebrate out love. Too bad its owner showed up and pounded Locke six feet into the ground a few minutes later.
Macc: Romance is full of perils. I should know. Any other comments on your relationship with him?
FF6-Celes: Well, let's see.... a little while ago, we-
*Kefka barges in*
Kefka: STOP EVERYTHING!
Macc: Not again.....
Gilgamesh: What's the matter?
Kefka: She's one of the people who defeated me!
FF6-Celes: *mumbles* Which was no challenge whatsoever.
Kefka: I HEARD THAT! I challenge you to a battle! *Casts "Goner"*
FF6-Celes: *uses "Rune" and absorbs the spell* Puh-lease. *Blows Kefka away with "Ultima"*
Kefka: *goes flying out the door* UWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Macc: (thinking) I better remember to refrain from using FFIV characters.....
FF6-Celes: Now where was I? Oh, yes.
30 minutes later. *yawn* God, I'm bored....
Macc: Hey, narration's your job.
Now anyway.... 30 minutes later.....
*Macc has fallen asleep, Ultros still hasn't thawed out yet, so Umaro's theme continues on*
FF6-Celes: And that about sums it up.
Macc: *wakes up* Ah... yes, interesting. Keep us updated, okay?
FF6-Celes: I will.
Macc: See you later.
FF6-Celes: Later! *starts to leave, but the floor breaks from under her and she falls. A wet "splat" is heard a few seconds later*
Macc: Oh, great. Looks like the floor needs repair work again.... Speaking of which.... *pulls out a mallet and whacks the frozen Ultros, freeing him from the ice* Ultros, could you change the music. That Umaro theme is starting to get repetitive.
Ultros: How's this? *changes it to the Secret of Evermore theme*
Macc: ANYTHING BUT THAT!
Ultros: Oops! *changes it to the "Mana Fortress" tune*
Macc: I guess that'll do. Who else do we have?
Gilgamesh: *looks through the cue-cards* No one.
Macc: No one?! Vegeta's gonna kill me! What more can go wrong in this supposed-to-be-normal episode?
*the pink pyramid seal breaks open nearby, and the countless FARTS and FanFARTS antagonists burst out of the Gate. Ultros changes the music to the music that plays during the final fight in Secret of Mana*
Macc: I had to ask....
At the Commissary....
*the commissary microwave explodes, sending food chunks on everyone there*
At a restaurant....
*a man screams when he discovers a fly in his soup*
At the FARTS restroom facilities....
*Zeromus sits on a john to do his business, when suddenly the toilet he's on erupts and shoots him into the air with geyser-like blast of water. Then all the other toilets erupt as well*
Zeromus: This isn't good.....
At the director's booth....
Vegeta: *looking at a monitor* WHAT?!?! KAKAROT IS ABOVE ME IN POWER AGAIN?!?! THIS IS UNFORGIVABLE!!!!!!! *turns Super-Saiyan
and gets so pissed he blows up the director's booth*
On the FARTS set....
*Due to Vegeta's outburst, the ceiling collapses, knocking out everyone but Macc. Ultros's sound station is crushed, so the music stops abruptly*
Macc: I ~really~ had to ask....
Ultros: *regains conciousness* Phew....
Macc: What a mess! *Ultros notices this and tries to sneak away* Hey, Ultros?
Ultros: *halts* Oh, MAN!
Macc: I'm putting you in charge of cleaning this-
*Vegeta, still in Super Saiyan mode, flies in. His landing shakes the ground and causes the floor beneath Ultros to break open, causing him to fall*
Ultros: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! *Several 5-ton weights fall from the ceiling and drop
after him, Vegeta doesn't seem to notice the purple octopus's sudden absence*
Vegeta: Blue boy. I, along with some random misfortunes, seem to have destroyed a good portion of the HQ. Normally your octopus friend or your maintainance crew would be responsible for cleaning it up, but since YOU'RE the only one in this HQ aside from myself that is still concious, it will be YOUR job to clean it up instead!
Vegeta: *eye twitches* And because Cell, Buu, and Frieza have been on my back about going soft, I'm going to prove them wrong by making you use only THESE to clean it up! *gives Macc a kiddy broom and a little plastic dustpan* And whenever you fill that dustpan, you will empty it in the dumpster out back! Now hop to it!
Macc: So much for having a good feeling about this episode!
*Lina Inverse walks by again*
Lina: Funny, this DEFINATELY doesn't look like the post office....