FARTS# 1X: FARTS Goes TACTICS!
[The FARTS Studio is undergoing some construction work]
Macc: What's happening Vegeta?
Vegeta: We're transforming the studio for today's guests.
Macc: What, exactly, are you doing to my precious stage then?
Vegeta: We're turning everything 45 degrees to the left.
Macc: Oh no, I'm not going to interview...
Vegeta: Yes, that's right. Final Fantasy Tactics are tonight's guests!
Macc: Please! Let's not do this again! You remembered what happened last time!
[Flashback to Ramza's guest appearence on FARTS #9...]
Macc: So, Ramza Beoulve, how's life at the moment?
Ramza: Well, After receiving the holy stone from Wiegraf, we need to stop a pre-emptive strike on the princess, masterminded by my own brother, and then sneak into Gariland to stop a plot by the head of the church to increase the output of evil creatures in Ivalice. We then need two Lancers and a Holy Knight to reach the Duke before the military coup to take over the Hokuten Knights...
Macc: I've gone cross-eyed...
[Fade back to present]
Macc: It was awful! I finally realised what it was like to be Zeromus!
Zeromus: Hey! I'm not THAT easily confused... will someone help me with this child-proof cap?
Vegeta: We've made sure that it doesn't happen again. They're not allowed to mention the plot or the Job system...
Vegeta: Plus, we gave intelligence enhancers to the more "analytically challenged" staff.
Macc: WHAT?! You gave smart drugs to all the crew?
Vegeta: Just Ultros and Gilgamesh. Exdeath and Zeromus claimed that 'they were smart enough to almost destroy the world, which is why we don't need drugs'.
Macc: Yes, but that was only due to transforming into giant trees and whatnot. What about Kefka?
Vegeta: I'm not falling for that again. Remember how he turned the place into a 'petting zoo' to increase profits? It took 5 days to clear out the Malboro smell...
Macc: Yes, that was unpleasant for all concerned... I still can't believe you gave Ultros mind enhacements.
Vegeta: I'll prove it then. *Shouts to Ultros* Give me the Jenova theme from FF7!
[Jenova theme from FF7 starts]
Macc: That just seems wrong somehow...
[Meanwhile, in the commissary]
Celes: Hi guys! What's up?
Kunoichi: The TACTICS team is coming back.
Celes: Oh no! Not again! I'M NOT A FREAKIN' HOLY KNIGHT ALREADY!
Kunoichi: Tell me about it. Remember that Thief who tried that 'Steal Heart' move on me?
Cloud: As I recall your form of revenge was poetic, if a little gruesome. Do you still have it?
Kunoichi: It's in a jar at home.
Celes: Yikes. How about you, Cloud? Are you happy to see a fellow PSX RPG?
Cloud: Of course. I'm in it, after all.
Celes: Are not.
Cloud: Am too.
Celes: Are not!
Cloud: Am too!
Gilgamesh: Greetings, what is all the commotion about?
Celes: Cloud says he was once part of that infamous TACTICS crowd.
Gilgamesh: He was, my dear. Though his role was relatively small in the order of things. Allow me to explain: Listen to the Rumor of the "Cursed Island" (Nelveska) at the bar in Zeltennia Castle. A new area on the map will show up, but do not go there yet. Go to Goug Machine City with Mustadio. Mustadio's Father will look over a steel ball found in the No. 57 Mine. In the bar at Goland Coal City, listen to the Rumor of the "Ghost of Colliery." Get Beowulf to join your party in the Lesalia Imperial Capitol bar. Go back to Goland Coal City, and complete the 4 battles. You will have Reis in your party now. You will also have the Aquarius Zodiac stone. Go back to Goug, and the steel ball will turn into Worker 8. He will join your party. Now go back to Nelvaska and defeat the other steel giant. You will recieve the Cancer Zodiac stone, and Reis will turn into a human. Return to Goug once again. The Cancer Zodiac Stone will trigger the Time Machine that will summon Cloud into the world. He leaves, and you must find him. Cloud is at Zarghidas Trade City, protecting Aeris, but this scene will not appear until you have defeated Dycedarg at Igros Castle. After you beat Dycedarg, and save Cloud in Zarghidas, he will join your party as a level 1 Soldier.
Celes, Kunoichi and Cloud: *blinks*
Gilgamesh: Anyway I must dash with some velocity, for I must make necessary preparations for our esteemed guest's visitation on our hallowed facility. *runs off*
Celes, Kunoichi and Cloud: *still blinking*
Kunoichi: That wasn't our Gilgamesh, was it?
Cloud: There's something wrong here. Perhaps he has been changed by genetic manipulation from Shinra?
Celes: That's your reasoning for everything!
Cloud: I'd love to hear your reason for Ultros having tentacles!
Celes: He's an octopus!
Kunoichi: Enough with the biology! Let's follow him to see what's happened.
[Back on stage]
Macc: Hello and welcome to another episode of FARTS! Today, it is my great pleasure to interview many of the cast members from that undisputed classic 'Final Fantasy Tactics'!
Audience: *Cheers, some whistles, general confusion from the Europeans*
Macc: First up, he was a squire from Igras and now a freedom fighting Zodiac Brave. It's Ramza!
Ramza: Thanks for having me. *Sits on the second furthest chair*
Macc: Why don't you come sit nearer?
Ramza: Insufficient 'Move', I'm afraid.
Macc: (It's starting...)
[Meanwhile, in the narrator box]
Vegeta: Don't screw this up, Macc. Square will not forgive us...
Lancer: Excuse me, is this Macc's HQ?
Vegeta: How the hell did you get up here?!
Lancer: I JUMPed and got lost. Is this it?
Vegeta: Get out you insolent, armoured moron!
Lancer: That's it! I'm gonna spear your ass! JUMP!
Vegeta: *Moves slightly to the right*
Lancer: CURSE YOU!
[Chaos in the commissary]
Mazrim (talking to a Mediator): No, no, no - you must discuss mutual benefits and show interest in each others cultural diversity! The 'Invite' command only works 24% of the time!
Mediator: Not true! Watch: 'Invite'!
Pikachu: Pika Pi? Piiiika...
Kunoichi: OK! You've gone too far! Time to get liver stabbed!
Thief: Hey, Baby, remember me?
Kunoichi: Impossible! I killed you! I have the dismembered organ to prove it!
Thief: Yes, but I didn't crystalise. Now give me a kiss, sweet thing.
Merlin: *walks in*: What's going on?
[Lancer drops on his head]
Lancer: So sorry. Where's that big haired freak got to now?
Dark Macc: Random chaotic violence? Pain and misery? Either this is a pleasant dream or the TACTICS guys are back.
Gafgarion: Hold fast! Give me that stone, dark one!
Dark Macc: What? This? It's just my targeting sensor.
Gafgarion: Nice try knave, but it is the holy stone 'Scorpio'! You cannot fool me!
Dark Macc: Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?
Gafgarion: En Guarde!
Macc: ...why does your costume never change in the game then?
Ramza: Well, the easy answer would be... [Sees Ultros] Pisco Demon!
Macc: Hey! This is a family show!
Ramza: Excuse me, I must rid the land of that piscine menace!
Ultros: Who me? I am the technical assisstant, in charge of effects and sound.
Ramza: Prove it.
[End Boss theme from FFT starts]
Ramza: No! Not that damned angel again! *hides behind a chair*
Macc: That wasn't nice Ultros. I don't think I like the new Ultros...
Vegeta: Did you like the old one?
Macc: Good point. And now it's time to bring on... let's see... Orlandu Cidolfas!
Orlandu: Hello? Am I on?
Orlandu: I have been known by that name.
Macc: Jeez, how many of you are there?
Gilgamesh: Macc! The TACTICS group has got out of control! They're terrorizing the crew!
Macc: How so?
Gilgamesh: Well, I've been running away from a deranged Samurai for several hours now, Kunoichi's killed several people for trying to take Pikachu and Merlin's been badly hit on the head!
Macc: OK, how about unusual activity?
Gilgamesh: Plus the Chocobos have eaten all the food and drank all the milk.
Macc: That isn't good. Where are they now?
Gilgamesh: I have no idea, Mr. T can throw helluva far, don't you know. Antarctica?
Orlandu: Can we get on? I want to explain my dream of a united Ivalice!
[Loud static replaces the music]
Macc: What now?
Ultros: Sorry, chief! Some blond kid's just messed up the control panel.
Mustadio: I'm upgrading it to 7.0!
Gilgamesh: Plus, some weird old guy is trying to pry out Dark Macc's green thing on his helmet.
Macc: No wonder I have a splitting headache. I thought it was this guy trying to explain how someone can be a Knight one second and then a Wizard.
Ramza: It's fairly simple, just go into 'Change Job'...
Macc: Not now. So what you're telling me is that the HQ is in shambles?
Macc: Can't you sort it out? What about those intelligence drugs?
Gilgamesh: I couldn't get the bottle open.
Ultros: Darn child-proof caps...
Macc: What? How about that long speech about Cloud?
Gilgamesh: I read it off a website
Macc: ...and Ultros geting the right buttons?
Mustadio: I told ya! 7.0 is fool-proof!
Macc: ...great. Can't our maintenance crew do something?
Gilgamesh: Well, Zeromus is reading to the kids at the orphanage...
Macc: Of course, it's Wednesday.
Gilgamesh: Kefka is still suspended for the 'petting zoo'. *shudders* Uurghh. Not to mention Exdeath's recent trip.
Macc: Exdeath's recent trip?
Gilgamesh: I told you not to mention that.
Macc: The old ones are the best aren't they?
Gilgamesh: True, true.
[Back to the commissary, getting dizzy yet?]
[A crystal pings into view]
Kunoichi: Finally! Where's that troublesome Mediator?
Celes: Don't worry, CATS took care of him.
Mediator: I am be inviting you to group!
CATS: Hahaha. Your Word Magic are being useless now!
Kunoichi: Quick, let's go help Macc!
Mustadio: Look! You can get Discovery Channel now!
TV: "This just in. Scientists have just discovered a new type of bird at the South Pole..." "Wa-ark!"
Ultros: Get off my sound panel before I am forced to hurt you.
Lancer: Stand still!
Vegeta: That's it! Super-Saiyan mode! I'm blasting you back to Corneria!
Dark Macc: I've just thought of a plan...
Macc: What is it?
Dark Macc: Well, while I blasted away that crazy Dark Knight I just remembered how to get rid of all the TACTICS group!
Dark Macc: Kill the leader!
Macc: Of course! The game ends when Ramza dies!
Ramza: Hey, wait a minute! I thought I was a guest! You can't kill your own guests!
Dark Macc: Have you ever seen a FARTS show?
Macc: He's right, I can't have the bad publicity. Vegeta will have my Dragonballs...
Macc: ...so we'll just have Mr Ramza escorted off the premises. Mr. T?
Mr. T: Is this the crazy foo who brought those milk-drinking chickens?
Macc: That's the guy all right!
[Ramza is helluva thrown]
Macc: Why can't we have an episode where we don't throw out our guests?
Mr. T: You'd better replace that milk sucka! I have needs!
Macc: Of course, Gilgamesh is running out to get it now.
Gilgamesh: I am?
Macc: *glares at Gilgamesh*
Gilgamesh: Of course! Off I go!
Macc: Well, I think that wraps up another show nicely.
Orlandu: Look, just because I only appear at the end of FFT, it doesn't mean that YOU CAN JUST IGNORE ME! No! Don't turn off the lights! Don't leave me in the dark like mother did... hello? anyone?