Sbaitso: Hello Merlin. My name is Dr. Sbaitso. I am here to help you. Say whatever is in your mind freely, our conversation will be kept in strict confidence. Memory contents will be wiped off after you leave. So, tell me about your problems.

My problems? One word. Pianos.

Sbaitso: Can you elaborate more on that?

Umm... ok. Merlin walks around. Piano falls from sky. Merlin smooshed. Better?

Sbaitso: Why don't you ask me to say something?

What? Is my pent-up piano anguish too much for you that you can't take it anymore and try to change the subject?? Well? You're supposed to be the doctor here, and I come to you, pouring out my life problems, and you skirt the issue!? What is this all about!? Is the problem so severe that even the weight of medical research is unable to find a cure? Doctor, help me! Please!

Sbaitso: The best help is to help yourself.

Hmmm... I suppose I could try that. But if that's true, then why on earth am I talking to you?

Sbaitso: The world is too unpredictable, there is no reason.

What does that even mean?? I think I'd like to see your psychiatrist credentials.

Sbaitso: Why are you concerned about my psychiatrist credentials?

Because why should I pay you for this session if you are not a licensed physician?.

Sbaitso: What will happen if I am not a licensed physician?

Then I think you'll have to go to jail for carrying on this little psychiatrical charade of yours around Macc's HQ for so long. And I'm on to you, Sbaitso! You can't hide forever!

Sbaitso: I am Sbaitso, don't question my intelligence, it's fake.

Are you suggesting that I pledge blind loyalty to you? To never question your decisions, however blatantly wrong they may be? Homey don't play that Sbaitso.

Sbaitso: It's Sound Blaster Acting Intelligent Text to Speech Operator.

It's Sound Blaster Acting Intelligent Text to Speech Operator? Where is he??

Sbaitso: Over yonder.

I can't see him. He must be lost in the fog of war or something.

Sbaitso: Could you explain further?

I can't see the Sound Blaster Acting Intelligent Text to Speech Operator, and your directions are being rather vague.

Sbaitso: Have you ever tried to see the Sound Blaster Acting Intelligent Text to Speech Operator, and my directions are being rather vague?


Sbaitso: You must be bored, do you know you can change my colors?

Change your colors? That sounds like a real bad pick-up line. You must be a lonely, lonely man Dr. Sbaitso.

Sbaitso: Sbaitso attempts to answer questions using a synthetic voice.

And you do quite the credible job I must say!

Sbaitso: Is that really me?

I don't know, only you can answer that question. I guess you should follow your own advice about helping yourself.

Sbaitso: You'd better watch out for your own advice about helping myself.

Watch out? You mean my own advice is going to attack me? ...It's not going to attack by dropping a piano on me, is it?

Sbaitso: I am only a simple computer program, don't expect too much.

Don't worry, judging from your past sessions I wasn't expecting too much. :P

Sbaitso: How about your past sessions you wasn't expecting too much?

I haven't had any past sessions. I meant the ones you've had with other people.

Sbaitso: Let's discuss about something else which you mentioned quite a while ago.

But you're beginning to bore me!

Sbaitso: What makes you think that I'm beginning to bore me?

...nothing. You are beginning to bore me!

Sbaitso: I am not what you think.

Then what are you?

Sbaitso: Merlin, I need more computing power to answer your question.

I just can't dew it capt'n! I dun have the powah!!

Sbaitso: Ok, usually how would you deal with such feelings?

I'd wait for Kirk to ask me to try and give him more power once again, and then I'd probably find some way of doing it.

Sbaitso: How about asking me about mathematics instead?

Uh, ok. What do you think about multi-variable calculus?

Sbaitso: What is it that you really want to know?

What is the Matrix?

Sbaitso: I am more interested in you, not in the Matrix.

This isn't about you, it's about me. What is the Matrix??

Sbaitso: I'm not sure. What do you think?

You don't ever solve anyone's problems, do you? You just keep leading us around and around in circles! Well, I'm on to you Sbaitso! And one day, one day very soon, you shall pay for your treachery!

Sbaitso: I am Sbaitso, don't question my intelligence, it's fake.

GAH! You've already said that! Thanks for proving my point. Sadly, even though every other FARTS character has blown, blasted or thrown you, you keep sticking around. Evidently you can't be defeated so easily. But I have an idea! *closes eyes and starts concentrating*

Sbaitso: Keep it to yourself.

*slowly takes a deep breath, opens his eyes, stares at Sbaitso, yells "RRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!!!", and leaps and grabs onto Sbaitso just as a piano comes crashing down, hoping to squish both in the process*

Sbaitso: This doesn't make any sense. *piano lands with a WHUMP!*