RPG Classics Mailbag #4

Here you go, one mailbag, right on schedule. Actually it's a day late, but I consider that on schedule. Hmmm... maybe I should make it official and switch the mailbag over to Mondays... nah, then it probably wouldn't get done until Tuesday. Uh, ahem, what was I doing? Oh yeah, mailbag. This week's question was: "If you could change the storyline of any RPG, which RPG would you choose and what would you change?" This week I decided to post six responses. So much for predictability. Alright, let's kick things off with... Zero. Yes, again. Hey, I can't help it if he keeps sending in responses... If you have a problem with that, talk to him about it. He'll be more than happy to make sure you never see another one of his reponses ever again. Heh heh.

"Well... I'd start by grabbing Quest64, then I'd add some areas and other objectives, (because that game makes FF1 look like a free-to-explore game) then, I would just slap some sense into the story... and I would add other weapons because just a wooden staff is a big nono."

So what you're saying is that if you had a choice to tinker with any RPG you wanted, you'd pick Quest 64? Zero, you weirdo! I might as well give you the "most original response" award right now, 'cause there's no way anyone's gonna top this. Check this one out for example, by PhantomDX.

"If I could change any plot line of an RPG, it would definitely be that of FF6. I would have liked to have seen Locke and Celes hook up. Better yet, they get married. I also would have liked to have seen Terra or Relm hook up with Edgar, cause Edgar is the ultimate flirt, and he is the man!"

See, there you go... that's the stuff most people would probably want to see changed. Celes and Locke getting married, Terra or Relm hooking up with Edgar... hey wait a minute! Do you know how old Relm is? Ooooh, and to think you almost fooled me into thinking this was just a normal response... I can't bear to look at this any longer. Let's quickly grab another letter. Let's see... from Dark Paladin.

"I would change the storyline of FF7. You see, FF7 had the WORST storyline ever, and the fact that you have an "incomplete" party just ruined the game for me. By this I mean that Aeris SHOULD have been revived. This would not be changing the storyline, though, because I heard that Square was planning to do that, but cut out the revival part because of lack of time. That is the only thing, besides the ending, which made no sense whatsoever."

Well... I don't think the storyline itself was that bad actually... it's just poorly told, valuable clues to the story are in hidden places, etc. I think it would've had more success if Square had advertised it better. Sort of like this: "Square has done it again! We've invented a completely new concept: The hide-and-go-seek-story! We hide the story, and your job is to find it... if you can! And for a modest fee, you can purchase booster packs of tradable hint sheets! Can you find the ultra-rare hintsheet covering 'The secret uses for Tifa's orthopedic underwear'?" And voilŠ, instant goldmine. Alright, let's see what marketing ploys I can think up based on the next letter. Hmmm... no name below this one, so I'm gonna go by the e-mail header, which says Carl Batchelor.

"Easy. Final Fantasy 6. I would have preferred having the relationship between Shadow and his sister (Or was it daughter?) Relm develop, and eventually devote a whole side quest to getting Shadow to reveal himself to her and Strago. It would have been such a touching moment, imagine Shadow, the rough killer ninja that he was, wrapping his arms around Relm, tears streaming down his face..... But, thats Square for you, not a single romantic bone in their body. I just beat FF8, and never once did Squall tell Rinoa he loved her..... how stupid is that?"

Argh, now you reminded me of the Relm thing again! Well, anyway... Relm Shadow's sister? Come on, he's old enough to be her father! ...oh wait, he is. But I admit, it would be pretty cool seeing tears stream down Shadow's face... right into his hood... accumulating... until he drowned in them. Okay, I'm totally missing the point again I guess. Oh well, next letter. It's from The Pill, whom I mistakenly referred to as Mark Pillar last mailbag. Sorry 'bout that, heh.

"I would alter the story-line in FF6 so that everyone could understand Siegfried's character, and maybe make him an even more hidden character than Gogo or Umaro. I wouldn't leave any hints as to how to get him, unlike how the wonderful folks at SquareSoft practically throw the others into your lap."

Okay, then what exactly would you make Siegfried's character be? The reÔncarnation of an ancient legendary warrior from an early FF game? Perhaps Baram in disguise? A street vendor? Locke's friend's neighbor's cousin's brother-in-law? Come on now people, you have some pretty good ideas, but use your imagination a little more... don't leave all the humor up to me. Even my powers are limited. Well, let's see what the next letter brings... oh, looks like The Pill has something more to say.

"In regards to what Timothy J. Stevenson said about taking Kefka to Disney World, what do you think would happen if he went on the "It's a Small World" ride? And dare we ask what he might do on the filming of an episode of Barney? I think I would bring Exdeath along on that one, just for the added power."

Well, that's nice. But let me quote from a previous mailbag: "If you have any comments about the mailbag, or if you disagree with anything said in this section, send me an e-mail and I will be more than happy to completely ignore it." So, keeping my word... *folds the letter into an airplane and throws it out the window*  There. Aren't you impressed? I mean, there aren't many people who can fold an e-mail into an airplane. Well, at least not without printing it first. Ah, well... time to do the final letter. From someone called Orbex, who writes:

"I think I would change the storyline of Secret of Mana, because it really makes almost no sense at all. Of course, that's the way most RPGs are anyway. Secret of Mana's plot simply needs to be simpler. The whole Mana Fortress/Sword/Tribe/Tree/Beast/Seeds thing is a little hard to understand. And what exactly WAS the "secret", anyway?"

And then you would make the story simpler? Why not expand the game so the whole story would be explained? I sure wouldn't mind the game being a little longer than it is... with some cool sidequests which take you across time to see the original catastrophe with the Mana Fortress and the evil Dark Lich Grandma or something. As for what the Secret of Mana is... it's... A SECRET! DUH! Heh heh, sorry 'bout that, but I couldn't resist.