RPG Classics Mailbag #6

Okay, okay, late again. So I can't plan my activities very well... but that's not important right now. What's important is this week's question: "If Kefka and Sephiroth were to meet, what would happen?" Yes, I've actually managed to stick to my absolute maximum of eight posted responses. Incredible, isn't it? Sorry to all the people that didn't make it... there were lots of responses again this time. At least, there were after I reminded you the mailbag existed last week. Oh well, better late than never. But first of all, let me give a little analysis based on all the responses I've gotten... that way, everyone at least had some say in this week's 'bag. Of all 26(!) respondees, 21 thought the two would fight eachother. And of those, 6 people thought Kefka would win, 8 thought Sephiroth would win, and 7 thought it would be a draw, or did not predict a definate winner. There, now everyone has had at least some impact on the mailbag. And here's some of the more interesting responses...
Let's start off with another fascinating analysis by none other than Locke Cole.

"Well, I've heard suspicions that both may be gay, but I'm going to try to keep this clean, so..."

There's an odd thought. Then the bosses of both FF6 and FF7 wouldn't just be evil angels, no... they'd be evil GAY angels. And you thought it was strange before... Anyway, no, that was not part of the analysis yet.

"I have a feeling Kefka would just kick Seph's arse."

That goes without saying. And here it comes folks, the promised analysis.

"He's more or less stronger than Seph (*Crosses out "less"*), because all Seph controls is a little magical rock that he can use to summon Meteor and all Kefka controls are...umm...THREE magical rocks! Yeah! He controls three times as many rocks as Sephiroth does! So Kefka has the power and Kefka is definately a bigger badass than Seph. I mean, Sephiroth has the power to look cute and attract females, and to be quiet. He also can *shock* USE MATERIA! Not to mention he can hold a sword. Kefka can kill people with beams of light. And anyone who can kill a person with a beam of light is awesome in MY book. And Kefka also would have a good reason to kill Seph! I mean, mommy's boy can be pretty annoying, even though he's a hearthrob among the ladies (oh, Sephy!). Seriously, the guy's a jerk, he killed Aeris, he tried to destroy the world, and I hope he rots in hell. Go Kefka!"

There you go, an analysis as solid as a rock. Or in this case, three magical rocks. And the facts that Kefka killed Leo and tried to destroy the world as well? Ah, who cares. Kefka rules, and that's final. Of course there are some with different views... like Sinsearach.

"If they met they would stare at each other for a bit, exchanging all the knowledge they would need to know. This is one meeting that should not happen.

(for different reasons, and understandings, almost 2 different planes, best not to contaminate, or ever even touch)

And S would walk away, normally
and K would be very confused
and they would never meet again
and S would soon forget
and K would be puzzled forever.

Because S is far beyond K's scope of being, and understanding. Thus K is nothing to S, but S sees something of himself in K, and wants to let the evil (or as S thinks of himself, a higher and superior righteousness) go its course, because he knows it will find its own way into oblivion easier than he could guide it... or fight it there, since it is such a childish evil, he does not want to save it, it cannot profit by him, and reversed would also be fruitless.

Which is why he would soon forget."

Doesn't that make you fall silent? I can't think of any comments to this one, but I just had to post it... it got to me. *ahem* Oooookay, moving along... here's a colorful synopsis of the meeting between Kefka and Sephiroth by SailorScout.

"Seph: And who might you be?

Kefka: UWHEHEHEHEHE! Only the most powerful being in the world!

Seph: I do not know where you get that kind of perception of yourself, but your life ends now. *draws his sword*

Kefka: Ahahhh! So the man in black tries to threaten me with a mere bla.. *cut short as Sephiroth rams his sword into Kefka's chest*

Kefka: Hey! You weren't supposed to do that!!!

Seph: [big sweatdrop forms on his forehead] May I ask why you aren't dead?

Kekfa: I already told you! Ahahahaha! *starts summoning energy around himself*

Seph: If that's how it must be...

[both Kefka and Sephiroth transform into their powerful forms, and then are surprised that both happen to archangels]

Kefka: Hey! Stop copying me!

Seph: It is you who are copying me!

Kefka: Die!!! *casts Ultima*
Seph: Die!!! *casts Super Nova*

Cloud: Hey... whoa what the hell?

Sephiroth and Kefka: STAY OUT OF THIS!!!

Cloud: Ok then, just don't...

[video goes black as the explosions from the Super Nova and Ultima meet and destroy the world]"

This scene could go right into the anime books, a true classic. Zero would approve. Oh! Zero! That's right, I just HAVE to post his letter.

"I say those 2 would decide to unite their forces to DEFEAT the greater good, until one of the 2 sees an opening, backstabs the other, notices that he is also godly, other one gets pissed, does a super-galaxy-buster on the stabber, then they start doing a power struggle by blasting each other, and would end up blowing up the party of heroes who were standing there for no apparent reason, watching the 2 fight and eating popcorn, they would notice the only threat was destroyed with some sort of meteo rain+fallen1 or some kewl death combo similar to this and would do as they planned in first place: Sephy would get all the lifestream for his little self and Kefka would blow up the world and remaining population to ashes, then they would come to another planet similar to the one they we're in, try to do this again but I'd come in and beat them to a bloody pulp. Why you ask? Because I can, since I'm the director of this E-mail."

Phew, that was close. I just did you all a huge favor, because if I hadn't posted this, Zero was going to flood the message boards with, and I quote, "dancing and exploding hamsters". And we wouldn't want that, now would we? So I've taken the opportunity of making my talkshow studio hamster-proof, so I won't have to give into this threat again. What's that? What about the message boards? Well, then I haven't but to bring over the anti-hamster artillery over there! Hmmm... then again, Zero wouldn't mind that since he loves big guns and the hamsters would explode anyway. Oh... whatever. I'll think of something, I don't have time for this right now, I'm in the middle of a mailbag! Let's get some refreshment by watching Geo's views on the subject. (well, not necessarily on the subject...)

"This wouldn't work very well, because Kefka's a sprite and Sephiroth's a polygonal model--I don't think they can both exist in the same world."

Congratulations! You've made the "secret remark"(tm)! Now, none of you knew this before, since it's never happened so far, but every mailbag I think of a "secret remark"(tm); a valid point which I think no one's going to make. Well, Geo just did, which makes him the first official winner of "the secret remark"(tm)! He will receive a lifetime supply of......... Diddly Squat! That's right folks! And if you, too, want to be eligible for this great prize, then all you have to do is... answer next week's mailbag, and think hard! So take the challenge, and start thinking!
(Note that "the secret remark"(tm) is secret and as such, there is no way to verify the validity of the results.  I will not be held responsible for any damage sustained while thinking.)

"But if, hypothetically, they could...hmm...I dunno...I guess they'd sit around, have a few drinks, chat about what it's like being badass villains...then Sephiroth would get sick of Kefka's maniacal laugh and stab him with his Masamune, which would cause Kefka to go into "evil god mode." They would then both become giant monsters and fight, kinda like a godzilla movie but completely different. I liked Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster--that one was way cool. And Godzilla vs. Megalon, just because it had the most horrible dubbing known to man. However, NEITHER of those films featured Final Fantasy characters, you will notice. Anyway, they'd fight for awhile, but then they'd both get bored and go home for biscuits and tea. The end."

Gotta love how things which are completely beside the point are seamlessly woven into the relevant dialogue. That's craftmanship, that is! Next in line, please! Oh hey, it's ol' Spoony Bard, back for a second go at the mailbag.

"Well, to start off, as soon as they would meet, they would just stare at each other for a few seconds, then Sephiroth would get a headache and some ear-piercing annoying sound effect would play and some white text would appear over his head telling him to kill the guy in the clown suit, and Kefka would, well, laugh (duh). Then Sephiroth would slash at Kefka with the Masamune and Kefka would be surprised that he is bleeding and would run around in circles saying "I HATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATE YOU!!!" and would use a Goner, which would do a measly 1200 points of Damage to Seph. Then Kefka would use Fallen One at the same time as Seph uses Fallen Angel and they would BOTH be reduced to 1 hit point, and would realize that whoever attacks next would be the victor. Kefka gets the next attack and uses Merton (moron), however Sephiroth is immune to elemental damage and Kefka falls. And gets back up because he snuck a Life3 at the start of the battle, and Seph wonders how he is alive again, since there is no Life3 in FF7. So then they would do an unnessesicarily long galactic battle that will last for months between the two Gods, until the heros of both games notice all the commotion and investigate. At which point FF6 heros would beat Kefka to a bloody pulp with Bum Rush, Ultima, and pairing the Offering and the Genji Glove. Meanwhile, before the FF7 heros attack Sephiroth uses Super Nova, which gives them plenty of time to decide their strategy, prepare to heal, and have a cup of coffee. Once they recover, they summon KOTR a few times and blast Seph to oblivion. and once that is over with, the heros would say their goodbyes and return to their own worlds, except for Relm who goes to live with Cid, since she likes him more than "The old Fuddy duddy". THE END :D"

Alright, your views are all very clear, and all your points have been noted. Which leaves us all with the one question which has plagued us ever since the dawn of mankind... what kind of word is "unnessesicarily"? Heh heh. And Spoony, me posting this had NOTHING to do with that message at the bottom...

"This is probably too corny even for YOU Macc, so I have prepared a statement that will ensure that this letter be printed because you will not be able to resist, ahem:

And if you don't post it, I will tell everyone you love Secret of Evermore!! Ha!"

Well of course that statement can't be printed enough times... but I don't need your help to do so of course. Heck, if I wanted to, I could make next week's mailbag "What do you think of Secret of Evermore?". I could probably post that statement sixteen times then: There would bound to be at least eight people who would use it in their response, and I would use it in each one of my responses as well. And just for that threat, I won't mention you have a cool RPG Maker 95 game going on at http://www.angelfire.com/nf/spoony/ff2j99index.html. Ah, crap... me and my big mouth. I take it back okay? I meant go here and download the RPG you find there: http://mig.savegames.com/avalon.htm. Phew, nice save... hey, what's this? Another letter from the lovely Risyu, whose new nickname apparently is: "The twisted High on Caffeine freak". Sounds good to me! Let's see...

"I'd watch. ::smiles with a gleam from her fang:: Sephiroth would try to kill Kefka, but Kefka would survive just long enough to kill Sephy before he died. Then, as they fell, their heads would bang together, breaking both their necks. Their heads would slowly roll away to some foreign head hunter place and they'd use em as trophies, and then lie to their friends and say they slayed two of the most powerful RPG bosses in history. Then, they'd be famous, and become video game designers."

Ah... so THAT's how it's done... I've been going about this all wrong!

"Either that, or they'd chat over a cup of coffee (Sephy likes his dark, whereas Kefka enjoys a light Mocha Latte because he's currently watching his figure), comparing the rise of death rates and their ending music quality. Somewhere along the line, Kefka would mention his diet and how he'd hafta leave soon, and then Sephiroth would invite him over to his place for a lil' 'chat.'

Errrhm... looks like we're just about back at the "two evil gay angels" part...

"WHEE, I'm twisted!!! BWAA HAA HAA!!! Never drink two cups of coffee and then eat half your halloween candy at 2:00 am, or else you'll end up like me. And I know no one would want THAT. ^_~"

Aha, so that's your secret. Well, on the whole, this has been a very educational e-mail. I've certainly learned a lot. Never pass up a free lesson on twistedness. Okay, let's finish up this mailbag with someone who sent in a response just after the deadline as he himself commented. Good thing I'm always late, huh? I don't know this guy's name... but the e-mail header says Donald Marco.

"What if Kefka and Sephy met? Well, I haven't played FF7, but I'll venture from conjecture..."

To quote Daos: "Interesting, show me." And if you know the remark to which this is his response... good for you!

"They'd first greet each other and laugh."

*bell sounds* That's it folks, Kefka wins with his Ultimate Laugh! You can all go home now... oh, there's more?

"Then they'd have a discussion on how they each tried to destroy the world. "Who'd be dumb enough to create a spell that any dork could use to destroy the planet?" said Kefka. "Yeah, and those Espers! Pitiful at best." responds Sephy. The whole thing would degenerate, however, when they insult each other on their looks. "You stupid clown wannabe!" "Oh yeah? You'd have to get a haircut to make it the same length as Rapunzel!" and so on until Sephy strikes Kefka with the Masamune. Kefka would respond with Fallen One and Goner, (using his Gem Box,) but Sephy's Black Materia is attached to a Final Attack Materia, and therefore Meteor would fall to earth.
Final Remark: "Like I said, WHO was the wise guy that created that dumb black materia?" (Kefka)."

Thank goodness that when I last played Monopoly I saved that "get out of getting a meteor dropped on top of you free" card.