RPG Classics Mailbag #8

I had some e-mail difficulties, so probably lots of responses were lost and not resent. Well, at least it made choosing the eight responses for this 'bag easier. And the question this week was: "If you could take over the body of any one character in an RPG, who would you choose, and what would you do while in his/her/its body?" Alright, let's start things off with...

Hiiiiii! It's me, Ultros the Mighty!

What the heck? What are you doing here?

Nothing in particular. I had nothing to do, so I thought I'd come over and ruin your stupid mailbag.

That a fact? Well, if you want to ruin it so badly, why don't YOU respond to the mailbag this time?

Hey, now wait a minute, it's not like I'm looking for...

*writing* Sorry, you have to do this week's mailbag, it's in your contract. Well, it is now, anyway.

Ah... damn! Isn't there anyone who can help me get rid of that damn contract??

Nobody cares, Ultros. Now I'm going to take a nap, so keep your voice down. And don't screw it up. I'll know. *falls asleep*

Well... shoot! Looks like I'm stuck with this thing... oh well, let's see what we got here. Something from Kentar.

"If I could be any guy in an RPG, I would be Edward in FF4 and kill myself because I would suck so much... even if I wouldn't make Cecil, Cid, Yang and Tellah win against the Dark Elf.... who cares as long as Kain lives... hum... !!!"

Good idea, you'd be doing the world a large favor. Edward... man, does he suck. And people say Relm's bad? No way, that kid could defeat me, the great Ultros, with one attack! She's the strongest character ever! Fear Relm!

*looks up* Ultros, stick to the point. *falls back asleep*

All right, all right, keep yer armor on... this letter doesn't have a name on it, but according to the e-mail header it's from someone called Bruce Powell.

"I would take over the body of Gryzz from Albert Odyssey: Legend of Eldean. I would then go kill Kia for taking Leos's place in the second half of the game. I'd then kill Amon because he's a gay bird man that could be beaten up by Kia."

*mumbling* Uhnn... gay bird man? Seems much like... the evil gay angel thing... of two weeks ago... *falls back asleep*

"I'd then kill all the people in the line to see the fortune teller because I want my fortune told. I'd then see what is in the back room of Eka's house. Then I'd use my fire breath to burn stuff and use my thunder breath to electrify a few goblins. I'd then get Pike to teach me the Karma Blade, then use it and kill him. I'd get an army of dragons and dragon men, and take over the world. Bwahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Death to Amon!! Death to Kia!! Death to Pike!! Oh yeah. Then I'd take up the woman that lives in Eka's town's offer. I just won't bring along any farm animals."

Hee hee, a killing spree! Goodie! Of course, you wouldn't succeed in taking over the world, though. Mr. Chupon could sneeze those dragons away with no trouble all. Mwa ha ha!

That's it, I can't sleep with everybody laughing. Never mind Ultros, I'll do it myself.


Shut up! Next letter! Zero!

"I'd go for Magus... I'd start at the 600 A.D. moment. First, I'd do a little better tactical combat and kill Crono, Frog and the other one. Then, I'd steal the time key from Lucca... or pick it from her corpse, whatever works, and I'd go in the 1960's. I'd buy a convertible with some GP (considering gold is worth a lot more in that era), become a millonaire with the stock market, get a tan (although I'd constantly wear sunglasses, damn sun is too bright) and conquer the world with dark magic and an army of dark minions from the underworld. Then...who knows what's next, I might be able to blow Lavos in 1999 myself without too much trouble."

Magus get a tan? I don't think that would be very easy. You might just want to let Lavos come out and do his thing. Nothing like the end of the world to get you a great tan. Be sure to use plenty of sunblock, though. Alrighty, next up is that Xwing1056 guy.

"Well, before I choose who to be, I'd have to decide whether or not to become an RPG character at all. I mean, what if I get stuck with a player who enjoys casting Doom on his own team? That'd make for a rather painful existence. I'd really need some sort of guarantee that I would have a skilled controller...or at least a built in Safety Bit, Ribbon, Paladin Shield, and Genji Armor..."

Well, you know what they say... you gotta take the impact of the sadistic players with the good. Or something.

"Anyway, assuming that I could somehow be in control of myself, back to the question.

After much forethought, I have decided that I'd choose Magus. He has the most potential power of any RPG character I've seen. Think of the possibilities that a master of magic would have with a time machine available for use.

First, I'd travel back to the Prehistoric era and proceed to enslave the world's inhabitants of the time. I'd have to be careful, though, that I kept my ancestors alive ^_^. Next, I would attack and defeat Lavos, and absorb his powers. After all, if it took him 65,000,000 years to gain enough strength to take over the world, he must have been pretty weak to start out with. When I'm finally unchallenged ruler of all, I'd sit back and spend a few millennia (remember, I absorbed Lavos's powers, so I'm immortal) marvelling at what a neato character I am."

Why Crono and his, dare I say it, cronies didn't think of this we'll never know... they said something about not being able to reach him in that time or something? Well then why not go to the future and take your pick of any advanced equipment you need to reach him? Or, in a pinch, have Robo and Lucca fix something up. Oh well... let's go on to the next letter. I'm going to have to go with the e-mail header here and say it's from Locke7574. Wow. I never realised there were so many. Well anyway, he writes:

"Maaaaaaaaagus. Maaaaaaaaagus."

That's original...

"Yeah! Magus! From Chrono Trigger, the best character in the game. First of all, because he kicks some royal arse with his Dark Magic and scythe... Mwa ha ha... Then I'd take the Epoch for a little spin. Hehehe... I'd go to the future and have a little chat with Balthy. Balthazar, the Guru guy. Plus he's got a great attitude... "You got whacked 'cause you're weak." Hehe. He looks really evil, and that's a plus. I happen to like things of darkness. Then I'd go kick some Ozzy tail, 'cause he took over my business :-)."

Hey, lay off Ozzie! He's cool!

Say what? All he ever did was run away and get his ass kicked a couple of times. ...a lot like you, really.

H... hey! Don't tease the octopus... *sob* *goes backstage*

Big baby...

"But, then, I have to stay with my name and go with Locke... Ah, Locke Cole. And I'd go around plundering Imperial bases, and picking locks and running away like ding-dong-ditch, hehe. And I'd finally find and pound the living sh- er, um... Snot? Snot, out of Lone Wolf. Hehe. Lousy pickpocket. He gives a bad name to thie-- No, no, treasure hunters like me. Yeah. Locke!!"

Oh dear, we have another schizophrenic in the house! Why can't you people make up your mind? Are you making fun of my indecisiveness or something? Hmpf... well, let's get to the next e-mail by StarSoldier.

"I'd have to choose between two characters, both from FF6. If you're going to get onto me like you did Zero, just stick one in the Mailbag section."

Oh, what does it matter... everybody's doing it now anyways...

"I'd go with Kefka, simply kill him off. I'd probably die too, but if that's what it takes to save the world, so be it."

Just make sure you make a complete fool out of yourself then before commiting suicide. That's how we want to remember good ol' Kefka.

"Or I'd go with Edgar, just to show him how to treat ladies in order to get a date. I know because I'm a girl."

Hmmm... a girl inside a guy picking up girls... that's... a very disturbing thought, that's what that is. Let's quickly move on to Wertigon.

"Hmm... I dunno. Maybe enter the body of Meilin and do the world a favour by throwing myself off that canyon cliff...>:) Or enter the body of Perel and wreck his reputation by throwing snowballs at the people in Freedom and skate on the streets... Gah! TOO hard to decide... I want to do both equally much... I suppose I can't do both? *Looks hopefully at Macc*"

You guys are all gonna end up like me if you don't learn how to make choices. And you DON'T wanna be me, trust me. It's not all it's cracked up to be. Okay... maybe it is. I just don't wanna share the experience with anyone. But in this case, it should be obvious. Take over Perel, get on your skateboard, bump into Meilin throwing her off the cliff and keep going until you too fall off the cliff. Two birds with one stone. Or in this case two annoying Terranigma characters with one cliff. Okay, one more... by Locke Cole. Hey, didn't we just have him already? Hmmm... two Locke's... interesting. Reminds me of the ARGH. Well, whatever. Here's what he has to say:

"Well, it seems like an obvious choice to choose someone like Sephiroth or such, and stop them from killing certain people, in this case Aeris. But where's the fun in that?"

Yeah really. If you were gonna take over Sephy, why not let him do something more interesting? Like give him a good entrance or something. It would've been so cool to see Sephy do a little breakdancing every time he appeared.

"Really, if I got to take control of any video game character, it would be Pikachu from Pokémon Yellow. It may be a little yellow rat, but it CAN be useful. First of all, I'd go kill those damn Team Rocket members Jessie and James. They are SO annoying! Then, I'd have to go for Misty. Take her out. No one would suspect me, cause I'd be the "cute" little rat that everyone loves."

Take her out, eh? You do realise this can be interpreted in two ways, don't you? Either one would be interesting. ;)

"Then, I'd get Brock and his perverted ass. He's annoying. Then Gary. His voice is too annoying. Professor Oak would be next. He's not TOO annoying, but he's on Pokémon, so that gets him somewhere. Now for the coup de grace...I'd kill Ash. Ash is the most annoying character in the game! He has to die! Finally, after they're all dead, I'll have the little yellow rat Pikachu commit suicide and then I'll go back to my regular self."

A Pokémon killing spree! Wonder what the show would be like if that ever really happened. We'd probably be watching one of the two trainers from Pallet Town who's still alive on his quest to become a Pokémon master, and who is followed by Sabrina, who just sics her puppet on everyone in sight for no apparent reason, and Blaine as the new Brock, who pisses off all the girls by annoying them with stupid riddles like: "It's blonde, at least 50 years younger than me, and thinks I'm the coolest guy she's ever seen."

"Before I'm massacred by thousands of 10 year olds, I'd like to note that I like Pokémon, but all the characters are morons, so I felt I needed to say that."

Don't worry about the ten-year olds... what are they gonna do, cry? Ack, come to think of it, that IS bad! Anyway, what you should be worried about is me! I kinda like seeing Team Rocket make asses out of themselves, so lay off Jessie and James! ... Hmm? What's that? No, the rest I don't care about, go ahead and off them so Jessie and James can have their own show.

*trap door opens beneath Macc* What the...? *falls* D'oh! Ultros!! I told you not to touch those buttons! Just for that, I'm writing additional clauses in that contract of yours!