RPG Classics Mailbag #9

Yay!! It's letter time, it's letter time!! Oh, hey guys. You're probably wondering what the heck I'm doing here. Well Macc's been real busy lately, so I offered to do the mailbag this week. Surprised? What? Disappointed? Well tough! I'm doing the mailbag this week and there's nothing you can do about it!!! Bwaahaaahaa!! .................ahem, errrr well let's get started. Alrighty, I never got too many letters this week, so I'll just have to post whatever I got. Now, lesse, the first letter is............

Hey hey!! It's Ultros again, here to ruin another.................? What the hell are you doing here?

Oh, right, I'm doing the mailbag this week Ultros, so beat it.

YOU'RE doing it? This is great, now I can finally annoy someone without having to worry about that stupid contract! Goody!

Wanna bet? *holds up a piece of paper*

MY CONTRACT?? How did you get it?

Macc gave it to me, he thought SOMEONE would try to come and ruin the mailbag again. *scribbles something down on the contract*

Oh great. Am I gonna have to answer stupid questions again?

Oh no, don't worry. You sucked at that last week, so that's out.

What a relief. So exactly what do you want me to do?

You entertain me. Dance around and sing folk songs.

*blink* Say what?

You heard me, now get crackin'! And now for our first letter from, ummmm Carpe Diem.

"Well, if I was a girl, then the obvious choice would be whatever bra Tifa uses. I mean it's gotta be THE wonder bra....but I'm no chick, so I guess that won't work."

So you say, but how do WE know that eh?

"So let's see, of course there are the obvious choices, Link's hat, but what are you gonna do with that pointy little green thing, just go to Blockbuster and pick one up. No, that wouldn't be any good, but if I ever got a hold of The Star of Heroes, found in the land of Sharom. I mean with that little pendant, I can get great leaders to join my cause, and those leaders would then go befriend some Platinum Dragons, which they would give to me cause I am their leader. Then I would head out on the backs of one of these big things and conquer city after city, untill I controlled the world!!!

Isn't it weird how these things always end in world domination?

Carpe Diem"

Well before you go after cities, destroy the Microsoft building first. That nerd Gates really irratates me. And THEN go after the cities, it won't be long before the U.S. army and the rest of the world gets fed up with you and shoots you out of the sky. At least you would have accomplished the most important thing first, right?

Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O!!! *I'm gonna kill Macc*

Keep it up Ultros, okey dokey, now our next letter is from no name, but according to the header it's frome someone called Bruce Powell.

"I'd take the Chirrup Sandals from either Shining The Holy Ark or theChirrup Sandals form Shining Force 2. Wanna know why, because they sound funny when you walk around in them. I can just hear them now:
*Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak*
*Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak*
*Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak*
*Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak*
*Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak*
*Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak*

Well that'll be funny for the first five seconds, then it'll get annoying and someone'll probably shoot you so they can get some sleep. Well, two out of eight, not too bad, Ultros howzit going?

She'll be coming 'round the corner when she comes!!!

Good good, awright! Next up to bat is Locke Cole.

"Ahh...stealing...what I do best...this bag question was MADE for me. Not for that imposter Locke7574. I AM THE ONLY TRUE LOCKE!

Anyway, I'm curious as to how many entries you'll get with perverts saying that certain female characters losing their clothes..."

Hmm, good question let me count............................Well final talley is 2, that one from Carpe Diem, and he's not even a woman (so he says) and from some other guy whom I'll get to shortly.

"I think for this one I would just steal Kain's Dragoon outfit. I think that thing is funky. I can imagine walking down the street wearing it. And when people start staring at me, I can punch or kick them with my gloves! And then, NO ONE will laugh at me! I'll have my cool Dragoon costume, and everyone will fear me.

Fear you until the men in white coats take you away. Remember, the more you resist, the more drugs they'll give you.

"Then I can continue on my plans for world dominati--err...ignore that last part, I'm rambling. Anyway, I'll look cool. And then, I can actually DRAW his mask, something that I've been trying to do for a while, but I can't get the shape right!"

Oh good, at least it will give you SOMETHING to do while in a sanitarium. Well this is going well, Ultros? You? *looks over and sees him trying to sneak away* Hey, HEY!! Get back here!!

Umm, just out of curiosity, what will happen if I break the contract? Cause I'm damn tempted to.

Ah, glad you asked that. Alright send her in.

*Ultros looks horrified as a very familiar girl walks in*

Gaaaaaaah!! NO! Stay away!!!

Hey Uncle Ulty!! Miss me?

So there's you answer Ultros, if you break your contract you will be locked in a room with her for awhile.

OK OK OK OK OK OK OK!!!!!! *starts dancing again*

That's better, OK Relm you can leave now.

OK, bye-bye Ulty.

Well, wasn't that fun? Now on to our next letter. And according to Macc, it's from some guy called "The Pill"

"I would take the suit that Cloud wears in FFVII. I mean, not only is it streamlined for battle, but it looks cool, too. Especially that sholder pad, but I think that the desiners should have added another on the other side. It just looks unbalanced.
My other choice (and I apologize for being the hormone-crazed teen that I am, Macc) would be Tifa's clothing, because, what straight guy wouldn't want to see that SENSATIONAL body aux natural."

As true as that is, you have to keep in mind two things. A) You only get her clothing, so you won't be able to see her, and chances are she has more than one set of clothing anyway, remember that blue dress in the flashback? B) She is just a buncha polygons, so it's not like looking at a REAL woman. Ok, man I'm running short on letters, and I still need to do four more. Hmmmmmm, well I'll continue anyway, next is someone called Donald Marco.

"First of all, you can't really steal their clothes because A. they're sprites of Computer Generated Images and B. Even if they could fit you, you'd have to STEAL the article, which requires a STEAL or CAPTURE skill or the like. Since most of us do not have such skills (even regular Pick-Pockets cannot pilfer a full suit of Leather Armor) the answers to this question reside only in the realm of imagination."

What REALLY? Oh crap, looks like I'll have to forget my big crime spree in Jidoor........errrrrrrrr, forget I said that.

"With that important point behind us, I'd pick the Final Fantasy Ribbon. Sure, I'm a guy, but what's the embarassment of wearing a girl's item compared to immunization of all negative statuses or shielding you from Magic Damage (depending on the version. I am NOT including the CT Ribbion, a measley +2 Hit for someone who doesn't use guns or bows to fight...)"

And of course it is an everyday occurance to walk down the street and have some punk cast "poison" or somesuch thing on you. That is a real pain in the ass. Of course then I proceed to beat the living snot out of him, and after he turned red and vanished I picked up all the GP and items that were conveniently left behind.

"The astute observer will note that the ribbon can be used by ANYONE, (FF5 requires Dancer Mastery) but really, when you think of a ribbon you don't think of a Bow-Tie...

Donald Marco (yes, that's my name)"

It is? Well it makes sense and everything, since your name was on the header. Ok, I still need three more, and I have no more accepted ones. Well I'll have to pick from the rejects pile, oh well. Here's one from the newest RPGCstaffer, Kentar.

"if I could steal any cloths in any rpg I would steal a plumed hat and become a Chicken.....

so I could sue KFC for using rat instead of me in the meals"

*sitting at a table scarfing down KFC* Ummm, sorry I wasn't paying attention, what did you say? *looks back and reads the message, and turns green* Uhhhh, I don't feel so good all of a sudden, Ultros you handle the next letter. *runs off*

Oh, NOW he wants me to answer letters, all right, all right. The next one is from that guy Ganj.

"I'd have to say Vincent Valentine's cape, or Leisure Suit Larry from the Leisure Suit Larry games' leisure suit, or any other strong, resilient garment that I could use to strangle you and thus end the reign of reeeeeally stupid mailbag questions."

HEEEEEY!! Now you're talking!!! Be my guest. Then I'll finally be free of this damned contract. Strangle Gilgamesh too while you're at it.

*toilet flushes*

Not really Ultros, because if something happens to Macc, you legally become MY property then. Now go back to singing songs. It's almost Christmas, so sing something appropiate.

Grumble grumble. I don't know which I hate more. Ahem. On the first day of Christmas.............

Ok, we need one more letter. Ah, and here it is. From Rast.

"If I could steal any RPG character's clothes, I'd steal Edgar's underwear. Haven't you ever wondered if he wears boxers or briefs?


No, actually, I never DID wonder that until now, thanks to you! Great, I won't be able to sleep now until I figure that out, thanks a lot!! Oh well, I may as well end the mailbag now, that question is gonna drive me nuts. Ultros, any final words?


What happened?


......................? OH! You lost your voice!! Ok then, here have some Buckley's Mixture, that'll help.

*Ultros downs the whole bottle, then runs to the bathroom in a real hurry*

Well he'll be in there for while. Buckley's Mixture, tastes awful, and it works. Well that about wraps it up for this mailbag, Macc'll be back again next week in case you didn't enjoy me. Maybe I might return again to do the mailbag. I've been told that Macc has something special in mind for the next mailbag, so I'll leave that annoucement to him. Seeya. *walks off*

*rushes in* Hey Spoony, am I still in time to answer a letter or two? *looks around* Spoony? Drat, looks like I'm too late. Oh well, at least I can announce next week's mailbag topic. It needs a little more clarification than the previous mailbag topics, so that's why I decided to tell you myself. I'm passing along this text to Ultros so he can tell you on the main page when he does this week's update for me... so if you already read it there, you can skip this part.

This week, it's time for... the RPG Classics Battle Royal! How does it work? Okay, imagine a very large arena. Now, imagine we'd throw in all the major good guys from all RPGs in existance. And then, you guessed it, it's time for one massive, chaotic battle! The rules:
1) There is no escape from the arena. You can only get out by being the last man/woman/whatever left standing in the arena;
2) No wedgies, wetwillys or anything involving tickling;
3) Other than that, there are no rules.
So, your mailbag question for this week is: "In this battle royal, who would be the last four people standing, and how would the battle proceed from that point on?"