Classics Mailbag #10
And now for this
evening's main event... no less than eight battle royals between all major good guys from
all RPGs! Ladies and Gentlemen... let's get ready to rumbleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
I must say I had to make some of the hardest choices ever while selecting for this week's
mailbag. But as usual, only eight could make it in... and they are big. Really, really
big. No, bigger than that: They are BIG! For that reason, I've added a little mix which
consists largely of FF battle themes to this week's mailbag: It'll get you in the spirit
of things and hopefully entertain you enough so you won't mind reading this monstrous
mailbag edition. It may take a little while to load, but if you're going to read all this,
it'll have plenty of time to. Alright, let's begin! The first match is brought to you by
"It would be a HUGE event. All the geniuses would be there to
watch, including Miyamoto and Uematsu. The hosts would be Sephiroth and Kefka, as they
couldn't participate in the battle, being the evil bad guys. The referee would be none
other than Macc himself."
gotta keep the order in all the chaos... or, if the chaos dies down too much, cause more
"Now, characters such as Earthbound characters and Cait Sith
would be killed off almost immediately. Imagine, Cait Sith trying to use a megaphone on
Terra, only to be blown to bits by the Atma Weapon. Not a good idea. But, after a long and
heated battle, the last four remaining would be Tellah, Terra, Link, and Magus. Tellah
would have just sat in the corner casting magic on people. Terra would have turned into an
esper and used the Atma Weapon. Link would have used the Master Sword as well as some
arrows, bombs, hammer, hookshot, and many of his other ingenious weapons and items. And
Magus would have just slashed people with his scythe.
Now, the only reason Locke would lose is because he'd block a sword
for stupid Celes by jumping in front of it, and sacrificing himself for her (we all know
Locke would win otherwise). After he died, Celes ran at Shadow and did a Runic. And Shadow
then threw Ninja Stars at her. Her and her damn Runic. Anyway, with those four left, we go
Tellah would just stand in the corner and watch. Terra rushes at Link, sword out, and
ready to attack. Link blocks. Magus does his little run/fly thing at Link, and attacks
him. Link blocks again."
back to their corners... oh wait, this arena HAS no corners. Um... never mind then, carry
"Both of them decide to fight Link, but Link jumps away and
shoots an arrow at Terra. She jumps out of the way just in time, and transforms into an
esper. Making weird sounds, she rushes Magus. Magus casts shadow magic on her, and then
slashes her along her stomach and she dies. Now, Link is fighting Magus, and Tellah's
still in the corner. Magus's scythe is good, but Link has the Master Sword. He starts to
cut the scythe in half, and Magus jumps away and throws
it at Link. Link ducks. Magus begins to cast Dark Matter, but Link pulls out an ice arrow,
and BOOOM! Right in Magus's face! BUT, at that point, Magus wasn't weak to ice! He changes
his weakness to fire, and casts Fire 2. Luckily, Link is wearing his Goron's suit, and is
therefore unaffected. Magus begins to cast shadow magic again. Link, faster than Magus,
pulls a fire arrow, and launches it at his face again. It kills Magus, whom never had a
pull off that damn shadow magic on Link."
approvingly* Nicely done, Link. Looks like we have a winner. ...hmmm, wait, aren't we
"Now its just Tellah and Link."
Tellah! Hey, you wuss, get out of that corner! Hey, wait, how can you be in a corner when
there ARE no corners?!? Oh man, I'm so confused...
"Its an obvious victory for Link, as Tellah possesses no true
fighting skills and only survived because he hid in the corner. Link charges him, but all
of a sudden, out of nowhere, Tellah learns..................METEO! He casts METEO! Link
falls over dead! But, Tellah was too weak, and he dies too!"
Errrrr... oh crap,
now what? Judges?
"About then Sephiroth talks about the weaknesses of the
characters to their own spells, and the weakness of Meteo, when compared to Meteor, which
he would have easily survived. Kefka would disagree, punch him in the face, kick his ass,
and throw him into Meteo that Tellah is casting. What to do now though? All the contenders
are DEAD! Well, since someone has to win, they award Macc, the ref, with the award, and
all go away happy."
Thank you, thank
you... *bows, tears in his eyes* I... I've never won anything in my whole life. *sniff*
I'd like to thank all the little people, except Mario, for making this possible. *raises
the trophy, and the crowd goes wild!*
"The next year a video game is made about the super ref Macc. It
was called "The Legend of Macc". Nintendo quickly sued, and the name was changed
to "Final Macc Fantasy". Square sued, and the name was finally put to
Brothers". Nintendo tried to sue, but the Supreme Court decided they were full of
shit and told them to shut up and get out."
That's right ladies
and gentlemen... Super Macc Brothers! Macc discovers that someone he's known for years is
actually his brother, and they team up to battle the forces of darkness in an epic
adventure you won't soon forget! Super Macc Brothers, coming a long time from now to a
computer store in a galaxy far, far away. Pre-order now, and you'll receive this wonderful
T-shirt bearing the phrase "I pre-ordered Super Macc Brothers and all I got was this
Of course, after a battle like this one, things can't get any better. But hey, we do still
have seven matches to go, so let's move on to battle 2, brought to you by Rast.
"I think if you threw in all the good guys from every RPG out
there and let them battle it out, I'd have to put my money on Edward (That spoony
"Let's see.. after many hours of bloody combat, the last 4 people
standing would be:
Barret - He's tough as a brick and if you give him healing spells he can fight forever.
Edward - He'd still be hiding somewhere.
Terra - Give her a gem box and economizer and ultima and no one can even get close to her.
Galuf - No one likes to beat up old guys, so they'd just avoid him. Since he's a slow old
fart he coudln't keep up with the action.
I predict that after it gets down to these 4, Barret would take a long range shot at Galuf
and blow his head off and spill his brains all over the rocks. Then he would open up on
Terra, knocking her down to 1 HP just as she's walking by the hidden Edward and comes in
range of Barret. She would then cast Ultima on Barret, reducing him to a black mark on the
rocks. Then, Edward would unhide behind Terra, hit her over the head with his harp, and
since she's only got 1 HP, she'd die.
Edward would then gain a shitload of xp, and go from 1st to 65th level in one shot, and
then, hopefully, not suck so bad."
Ha ha ha! Edward?
Not suck? That'd be the day!
Hey! I did
win didn't I? I am mighty!!
whatever. *pushes over Edward with his pinky finger*
Right. On to the
third battle... presented by Sandman.
"Now presenting the RPGC Battle Royal. After several hours of
intense competition we have arrived at our four finalists, and here they are:
That loveable critter Mog, the hopping mad Kain, that cowardly spoony bard Edward and last
but not least that young ancient Aeris."
I'm good! Not just Rast thinks so!
Don't make me use
the pinky attack on you again.
"Edward - Hide
Kain: "Hey, come back here you spoony bard!"
Mog - Snare on Kain
Kain - Jump
Kain: "Missed me you winged furball."
Kain - Land on Aeris
Aeris: "Hey, that hurt."
Aeris - Great Gospel
Aeris: "Come on, try and hit me."
Kain - Attack Aeris
Kain: "What the..."
Kain - attack, attack, attack, attack, attack, attack, attack
Kain: "Why can't I hurt you, this isn't fair."
Aeris: "Hahahaha, you cant hurt me you little runt"
Aeris - Seal Evil on Kain
Mog - Snare on Kain
Mog: "Dodge this you spiky headed freak."
Aeris: "That was uncalled for."
Mog: "You must be confused, of course it was."
Mog - Specter
Mog: "Now lets have some fun."
Mog - Poison Frog
Aeris: "Agh, getting weak."
Mog - Snare
Mog: "hehehehe, looks like I win. Hey wait a minute weren't there four of us?"
*Looks at floor*
Mog: "one two, one two..."
Edward - Sing
Mog: "Agghhh that awful sound, I've never heard anyone so off key."
Edward - Attacks Mog
Edward: "HIHI I WIN, I WIN."
Announcer: "Geeehhh, well this is sure a surprise, Edward is the winner of the RPGC
Battle Royal. Wait a minute, this can't be right, how the hell did that spoony bard win?
All right lets get the judges in here, we must have missed something..."
Convinced yet of my superior abilities?
Hmpf, I really don't
know what's wrong... no way Edward could win twice. Well, no use thinking about it...
let's just go on to the next battle report, written up by Zero.
"The 4 last standing would be: Kain, Butz, Cid (FF7) and
Oh no, you can't be serious... not him
"The reason is simple: While everyone would be bashing each
others guts out, Kain, Butz and Cid would do a jump attack, avoiding all what's going down
under, and Edward would do his usual hide, so he vanishes... he's still there, but since
they can't put the target cursor on him, they ignore him.
Since jump takes forever+1, everyone is down except a few, and Cid, Butz and Kain fall on
them, ending their little struggle to be DA best.
Butz would attack with his twin daggers (so what if he jumped with daggers?) while Kain
would use his holy lance, and Cid would just stand there, letting them duke it out, and
Edward is still hiding. After a brief combat, Kain would be the victor of the duel and Cid
would back attack, making Kain only no3, then Edward would pop up, use his sleep song and
then throw Cid off the arena, making a ring out (not like he could ever kill anyone) and
getting the title of being the greatest RPG fighter of all eternity... and then would trip
on the side of the ring and die."
*shakes head* This
is wrong... this is so wrong... Edward wins again... Well, he died in this
battle, at least that's SOMETHING.
If this keeps up,
I'm resigning as referee... hey wait, that's right, I'm the referee! Heh heh heh... well,
in that case... Edward! You're disqualified from the rest of the matches!
'Cause Macc Maverick
said so! Now beat it!
No way, I
won't go, I won't... *is thrown away far into the distance after being hit by Macc's
There. Sometimes you
just have to force sanity into the world. Okay, let's continue on with match 5... by Carpe
"Well, with ALL the good guys in an RPG, it would be tough to
have to pick 4 total, but since you ain't giving us a choice, I guess we will just have to
do it, won't we. I guess I will have to dig deep into my vast RPG knowledge to choose some
of these guys. And I just want you to know that I don't consider anyone from FF5, 6 or 7,
or any other game where any spell can go to any character to be better, I just count how
useful their unique abilities or spells are. Everyone has equal healing opportunities,
Yeah yeah yeah....
less talk, more action.
"First semi-finalist would have to be the man in the cape, good
ol' Magus. I mean this bad boy was good at damn near everything. He was fast, good attack,
great magic and not bad hit points. Unfortunately he doesn't have any augmentation magics
that boost his defense, but he would still end up as one of the four.
Second semi-finalist is Umaro *gasp*. I mean this guy would be in there, tossing everyone
to and from, making blizzards and all that, and hitting pretty hard. My choice, and you
can't change it!!!"
Oh really? I
wouldn't be too sure. This is the mailbag, where I have final say about everything. I can
change anything I want. It's against my principles to do so, so I won't just now... but
don't tempt me.
"Good ol' number three, I would have to pick General Leo, I mean
if you could ever build this guy up to higher levels, he would be a killer!!! Shock was
just an awesome skill.
And that brings us to number four, i got lots of ideas in my head, and it's close between
Shadow, Edge and Ryu(1st BoF), but in the end, anyone who can turn into a giant Dragon a
couple of times a fight has to win... and he does.
Ok, that was enough work in and of itself, so now we have to say what goes on from here.
Ok then, Magus' cocky attitude gets himself into a fight with Leo right off the bat, with
Dark Matters and Shocks flying every which way.
Umaro jumps in, and picks up Ryu and tosses him at Magus. While on the way, Ryu transforms
into the giant dragon, Rudra, but Magus is quick and does his little disappear and
reappear trick, and the huge dragon misses completely. In a second, Leo is on the fallen
dragon, hacking away with his trusty sword. As Ryu's life slowly depletes, he decides to
revert back into his human form, and run away from Leo. When he gets to a safe position,
he realizes he has enough energy left to transform him into a regular Dragon.
Concentrating as hard as he can, he doesn't realize the air getting colder, until he
notices the golden armor of General Leo charging him, with the final thought of 'gold' in
his head, he transforms, but to his dismay, he turns into a Gold Dragon! Leo charges him,
and finishes him off in a couple of swift strikes. Meanwhile, Umaro is making an
incredible blizzard, but Maguc puts up a Magic Wall, and the cold only affects Leo. After
finishing off Ryu, Leo decides that the biggest threat is Magus, and decides to leave
Umaro make his blizzard. Not realizing the danger of this, he swings his sword at Magus
who blocks with his Scythe(which is unaffected by the cold, because of Magus' Magic Wall)
and Leo's sword snaps right in half. Magus, realizing the opportunity, fires off several
Dark Bombs straight into Leo's chest, the mighty general falls.
With only Umaro and Magus left, one of Umaro's most powerful skills is useless, so he
decides to rush the mage. Digging deeper into his repertoire, Magus finds a form that
would be much more fitting for the sasquatch. With a quick flip of his hand, a flash of
light, the sasquatch is no longer in front of him, but the form of a person, dressed in
many different forms of clothing. He thinks to himself is this a man, a women, or should I
ask. (If you didn't get the HUGE clue, then you don't deserve to know who it is). He
realizes that this is not the form he has thought of, and only a true mime could have been
unaffected by a spell of such magnetude (another huge hint). This person in front of him
changes again, pulling a chainsaw from the depths of his clothing. Magus, realizing a bit
too late, realizes he is defeated...
And there you got it, the Mime(Gogo) wins!!! (Gogo then proceeds to take over the world as
all of the good heroes are dead)"
thought... but we'll get to the "who takes over the world" part next mailbag.
Man... this sure has turned out to be a HUGE mailbag. And there's still three matches
left! I'd better get to them quickly and not talk so much... so here's match 6, by Fluffy
"Well the top 4 "champions" are gonna be:
1) Squall. He entered the tournament with 1 hp, junctioned initiative and is cheesing ppl
down with Lionheart.
2) Emmy (emerald =P) Weapon. Quote, "Now, imagine we'd throw in all the major GOOD
guys from all RPGs in existence." You, however, never DEFINED GOOD. I interpret Good
as in being superb in abilities not in the goodie two shoer way. Ha! Loopholes, God Bless
I could call off the
match for such a thing, you know. But I won't. Know why? Because the Weapons in FF7 were
only attacking people because they were destroying the planet. And although I can't
approve of their methods... defending the planet seems like a good thing to me. So why
not, let 'r participate.
"3) Mog. This cute lovable fur-ball has been Invis/X-zoning ppl
4) GoGo. With all the mimicking he hasn't lost yet =)
And on with the battle:
(Each "Round" is where everyone takes a turn, Btw)
Squall, being the cheeseball that he is, obviously, goes first. He Renzokukens Emmy, but
unfortunately pulled a Blasting Zone instead of Lionheart. (Emmy 950k/1mil Hp, Mog
4000/9999 hp, Gogo 4000/9999 hp)
Emmy using one of his light bulbs and zaps 200 mp from Mog =( (Mog 50/ 250 Mp)
Mog tried using an Ultima but shucks, he ran out of magic =(
GoGo mimics and ends up with nothing.
Emmy gets ready to attack with full force with his lightbulbs.
Squall sees that the refs aren't looking and quickly pulls a hero potion making him
invincible. Unfortunately Gogo mimics =(
The Refs call timeout to interrogates the situation
Well, being the head
referee, I guess that means me... be back in a moment.
THe Following program was paid for by Chocobar.
Cloud:Man I'm beat.
Tifa: WEEEELLLL MAYBE YOU NEED A QUICK JOLT WITH CHOCOBAR
Cloud & Barret: GASP!
Tifa: YEEESSSSSSIRRRREEEEE Packed with Vitamins A through Z, It'll make you buckle. (Get
it? Chocobuckle? ... ahhh, I think I better shut up)
This message from
our sponsors was brought to you by Pepsi, the choice of a new generation.
*Pepsiman strolls by, hands Macc a check behind his back and walks
Squall didn't get kicked out because of the persuasive argument he gave to the refs...not
to mention the 100k gil.
"Mog decides to dance but stumbles over the empty vial of the
Emmy Squishes Mog. (Mog - R.I.P.)
Gogo mimics. Mog's corpse is crushed yet again.
Squall Rezokukens. HOWEVER, he was stupid enough to target Gogo. 0 Damage.
Emmy takes a beating from cheese ass Squall and Gogo. (-800k HP for Emmy)
Hero Potion fades.
Squall Rezokukens Emmy and kills her/him =(. (Emmy - DEAD)
Gogo Mimics and kills Squall! (Squall- DEAD)
Looks like Gogo's the champion of the wor- gasp! Look! Emmy snuck in a final attack +
Phoenix. (Emmy- Revived + Gogo is at 1000/9999 hp)
Emmy fires all four lasers consecutively. (-5000 HP, -400 mp for Gogo)
AND EMMY's THE WIIIIINNNNNNNEEEEEERRRRRRRR
The moral of the story is: Always find Loopholes.
WWEEEEEHHHEEEEEEEE *Runs around in circles*"
Hmmm... well, pretty
cheap use of Materia, I don't know if I can let this one pass...
*large shadow looms over Macc*
second thought... hooray for Emmy! N... next battle please! This one's by StarSoldier.
"First off, please stop picking on poor Ultros. I just said that
because Ultros told me to."
glad someone cared enough about me to...
Don't listen to
Ultros anyone, you all know he's an evil octopus who deserves to be pushed around.
enough! I've learned my lesson, really! I'll change my ways and be good from now on!
Oh really? That's
nice, Ultros, very good.
NOW will you
please break our little contract?
GAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! *squirms around in frustration until he falls down a trap door*
I still owed you
that one. Ahem, right, back to the match...
"I'd have Sabin, Edgar, and GoGo from FF6, and Ash Ketchum from
Pokemon. Be warned, it is stupid."
Wouldn't have it any
"Sabin and Edgar start off the fight with a little sibling
Sabin: Admit it, you stole my stuffed moogle when we were five!
Edgar: I didn't; royal word of honor.
Sabin: It isn't going to work with me. You forget; I'm a prince too!
Edgar: You don't act like it, running around in a tasteless tanktop. You have no fashion
sense whatsoever, unlike real royalty.
Sabin really loses it and starts Pummeling on Edgar. Edgar doesn't have any time to react,
so he's dead. Look, something's falling out of Edgar's pocket! Sabin is picking it up.
Sabin: Mr. Moogle! WAHHH!!!!
Sabin starts to cry like a wimp.
Ash: Hmm, the water from his tears would be perfect for an Electric Pokémon. Pikachu, I
Pikachu: PI- KA- CHUUU!!!!!!!!!!
Pikachu sends out a big bolt of lightning and kills Sabin. GoGo starts mimicking.
GoGo: PI- KA- CHUUU!!!!!!!!!!
GoGo fries Pikachu and Ash.
Ash: How did you do that? You're not a Pokémon!
GoGo: How did you do that? You're not a Pokémon!
Ash: Stop that!
GoGo: Stop that!
GoGo: Pikachu, attack!
Pikachu, what a wuss! He fainted from the confusion. Dumb animal.
Ash: Pikachu! Oh, no!
GoGo: Pikachu! Oh, no!
Ash: Shut up!
GoGo: Shut up!
Ash: Stop it; I'm warning you!
GoGo: Stop it; I'm warning you!
The battle goes on like this until Ash passes out from frustration.
The winner: GoGo!
(Wasn't this a stupid fight?)"
It still makes more
sense than Edward winning. Alrighty, now for the last battle, brought to you by Merlin.
You must all have gotten pretty tired from all the action, so I won't interrupt this one
and just let you enjoy it.
"Well it's been a thrilling battle so far J.D. and many a hero
has claimed victory for themselves, while others must leave hanging their heads in
terrible, terrible, shame."
"You are absolutely right Dirk, this has been a thrilling day in the Arena but
unfortunately the fury of combat has caused a cloud of dust to cover the entire
battlefield for about a half an hour now and it's no telling who is still alive!"
"Wait a minute! The dust is clearing! I can see four distinct forms walking wearily
towards the middle of the colosseum! Let's see we have: Squall of FFVIII fame; the
legendary savior of Hyrule known only as Link; the young boy Ness who saved Eagland during
the epic war against Giygas; and lastly, OH MY GOD! It's Mario! Everyone's favorite
plumber has made it this far!"
"Well J.D. some of our listeners may be wondering whether Mario is even an RPG
character, but he did have his own self-titled RPG so I guess the powers that be let him
qualify. I personally think that Link has a good chance of winning this myself."
"Not on your life Dirk, Link's gonna die. Just look at him in that green Erol Flynn
*Boomerang flies out of nowhere and cleaves off J.D.'s head*
Link calls up, "What do you think, announcer?"
"Uhhhhh....go Link!! Heh Heh.... Well looks like I'll be finishing the rest of the
narration myself since my color man was--uh--censored...The four warriors seem to be
staring at each other, they must be sizing each other up. Wait a minute! Link is lashing
*Link leaps across the battlefield, destroying Squall after a short sword duel*
"Good thing Squall ate it first, having never played FF8 I have no love for him and
that furry black vest thing makes him seem...odd..."
"While this has been going on Ness and Mario have been skirmishing a little. OH MY
GOD, Mario just kicked Ness across the arena's floor! He's starting to come towards Ness,
but Link seems to be getting his attention."
Link: "Come get some."
Mario: "But it's a-meeeeeeeee, Mahrio! Why would you want to hurt me, Mahrio?!? Are
you a-still jealous over me being the main a-character of a-Nintendo?"
Link: "I would be much better as Nintendo's flagship character you dolt! Now lets get
*Link and Mario run towards each other, Link swings around his sword, lopping off Mario's
"MARIO IS DEAD!! LINK JUST BEHEADED HIM! Wait a minute, what is he doing?"
*Link grabs the head and holds it over his head, magically it hovers over his outstretched
palms* *Weird pick-up-item music plays*
"Listen to that crowd!!" *Crowd chants L-I-N-K LINK, LINK, LINK!*
"It seems now that Link is going to focus on Ness, he is starting to walk across the
battlefield towards him, BUT WAIT! What is Ness doing? He seems to be just dropping to one
knee, is he surrendering? He knows very well that surrender is not an option for the
*Ness begins to mutter to himself, hands placed together*
"Wait a minute, he seems to be...be PRAYING! Yes Ness is praying but I have no idea
how this is going to help!"
Ness: "Please...give us strength...if it is possible...please...somebody help
*All of a sudden, the souls of the killed heroes feared that Link will win the tournament,
and they began to pray for the safety of Ness*
*A big bolt of white energy comes from the sky, knocking Link flat*
"Link still seems determined, he's getting up and coming closer to Ness!"
Ness: Anyone out there...please...help me...
*Merlin, as he writes this, suddenly is afraid that Ness will die and begins to pray for
*Bigger bolt lashes out and knocks down Link*
"Link seems to be groaning a little, but he is still trying to come towards
Ness: I--I don't know who's left, if anyone can hear this help me...
*A glow surrounds the luxury area, where the RPGC staffers are enjoying the festivities.
Suddenly, ShaheenJim, Sinistral, Sephiroth Katana, Macc, Zero, RPT, SpoonyBard, Luna and
the rest of the staff felt a new, startling feeling they had never experienced before, and
they all started praying for the safety of Ness*
*A huge bolt of white energy comes crashing down from the sky, rending Link into shreds*
"Ness has done it! Ness has done it! He's won the tournament!!! All hail
*Ness is hoisted on the shoulders of the exuberant crowd and they carry him off to the
theme of Ness' House in Earthbound*
By the way, I'm not really too religious or anything, it's just the way the battle would
go based on a certain videogame (it should be apparent to all who haven't played through
it)....also I don't mean any disrespect to the RPGC members who I didn't name those were
the only ones i could think of off the top of my head..."
*wipes away tear
from the corner of his eye* Sorry about that, Link, but somehow I just couldn't help
myself from rooting for poor little Ness...
Okay! Now that these battles are finished, time to do the math and see who
the overall winner is! Allow me to explain: Each character named as one of the final four
gets a certain amount of points: 5 for first place, 3 for second, 2 for third and 1 for
fourth. This also includes the responses not posted here. And here are the results:
Third place goes to... Link, with 10 points.
Second place... Edward, with 15 points. Unbelievable, but true.
And first place goes to... Gogo, narrowly beating out Edward with 16
points! All hail the ultimate champions!
Alright, you might have already guessed what's next... another Battle
Royal, but now for the major baddies from all RPGs in existance, same rules as last
time... but, although it's hard to cheat with so little rules, I imagine some of the bad
guys will find a way...
One important detail: With "major baddies" I mean that besides
final bosses, the "normal" bosses will also be participating.
from the trap door* Does that mean...
Yes Ultros, you too.
Oooooooohhhhhhh... *loses his grip and falls again*