Classics Mailbag #11
Here we go... eight
battle royals, but this time it's time for all RPG bad guys to step into the arena. So,
Ladies and Gentlemen... once again, let's get ready to rumbleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
And of course it turned out huge again, even more huge than the Good Guy battle. That's
why I've added another MIDI Medley to this week's mailbag. I've tired of the incessant FF
Medleys though, so I decided to play something entirely different this time: A Castlevania
Medley! ...okay, so maybe it's not entirely appropriate... but hey, let's not waste any
more time talking about that and just start what with what you came here to see: The
Battle of the Bad Guys! Here's the first battle, overseen by SpoonyBard.
"The scene: The massive Arena where the good guys fought in a
week ago (Special thanks to Merlin, who supplied the Arena) The fighters: Every RPG
villain in existance, each wanting a piece of the other. The reason: Errr, reason? Well,
this is something Macc made, so I guess there isn't a reason."
What can I say but
"And now, the fight begins........... ULTIMATE RPG BATTLE PART
After the first rounds of fighting all of the recent Final Fantasy villains would be
killed off right away, because let's face it, they're too damn easy. Exdeath and Zeromus
would be killed off soon after followed by the 8-bit villains, who don't have enough
attacks to cut it. On a side note, Ultros and Gilgamesh were eliminated before they could
even get a look at each other (maybe next time Ultros :D)."
Oh, darn... and even
after I gave him some extra coaching in battle tactics. Stupid octopus, I TOLD him to
watch where he's going while running away from each and every form of danger, but noooo...
he had to bump into Lavos and impale himself on his spikes.
"After much much fighting, and flashy attacks, there would only
be four left. Miang from Xenogears, since whenever she dies, she enters another woman's
body, and by the end of it she was in Domina's body (from Xenogears also). GuardDaos, he
stayed alive with his damn annoying status attacks. Mother Brain from Phantasy Star 2,
because she mesmorized everyone with her flashy colors. And finally, Freeza from Dragon
Ball Z RPG, who didn't do much, just extended a Ki shield around himself and stayed out of
the way, not wanting to bore himself fighting those weaklings.
GuardDaos attacked Miang/Domina with that funky sword of his, and easily dispatched her,
however Miang revived as Mother Brain (hey, female is female). Miang/Mother Brain and
GuardDaos would fight for awhile, obviously getting nowhere. Eventually they realize that
Freeza has done nothing all battle, and decide to take him out. They both rush at him but
Freeza teleports out of the way right before they strike. They attack again, and Freeza
does the same. They keep attacking and missing for awhile. Eventually Freeza would get
sick of them and levitate GuardDaos up in the air and kill him just like he did Krillin.
Freeza and Miang/Mother Brain fight for a little while, but Freeza is much more powerful
than Miang/Mother Brain. And Freeza comes out the victor. Don't mess with someone with a
Battle Power over 2 million.
(Personal note: I know that most DBZ fans think Freeza is spelled Frieza, but I've always
spelled him Freeza)"
...yeah. An original
response, to be sure. But y'know, it would have been so much easier to respond to this if
I knew anything about at least two of the combatants. This not being the case... I'm just
going to move on to battle 2. It's hosted by... er, Gilgamesh ZERO? Alrighty...
"Ok this is how the MAJOR BAD GUY TOURNAMENT would go: After
explosions and beams of light and so on, the smoke clears revealing the four finalists:
Kefka in his aweful (full of awe) angelic form, Sorceress Ultimecia, Sephiroth, the one
winged angel, and <gasp!> this can't be! It's the evil lord Exdeath's dolt of a
henchman Gilgamesh! How did this happen???"
Easy, he's a fast
runner. And if that dumbass Ultros didn't collide with Gilgamesh, who had one of his
swords extended, he probably would've made it too this battle.
"Oh well. The battle begins! As Ultimecia babbles about how much
SeeD sucks and about time and stuff, our heavenly(?) forms, Kefka and Sephiroth, fly
around the arena smacking each other around. On the ground, Gilgamesh sneaks up behind
Ultimecia, and brandishing one of his many swords, screeches, "HAHAHAHA! Feel my
wrath! For I have the ultimate sword: Excalibur!" <SLICE> ??? "What? 1 HP
off? This is the power of the almighty Excalibur??" Ultimecia scratches her back,
thinking nothing of it. Gasp! Up in the bleachers Exdeath stands up, pissed as ever!
"Gilgamesh! You are a fool! That was Excalipoor, not Excalibur! I will send you to
the void!" "NOOO!!!!" screams Gilgamesh as he is sucked into the black hole
that is the void."
Whoa, deja vu. Some
people never learn... hey wait a minute! *blows whistle* Foul! Exdeath, you
already got eliminated, I saw Diamond Weapon sit on you. Security! Take him away!
Fwa ha ha!
And what pitiful member of your security could possibly stand up to ME? ...Oh no! It's
Oh no! It's
that! Anything but that!!
that! Anything but that!!
Arghhhh.... *loses consciousness*
Hey Gogo, you don't
have to mimic him THAT well... ah, whatever. Back to the battle.
"Now, with only Ultimecia, Kefka, and Sephiroth left, things get
dirty. Sephiroth flies up high and calls upon the powers of his summon METEOR. Hours later
after a grueling battle, Ultimecia and Kefka decide to team up against Sephiroth. Kefka
casts Fallen One, bringing Sephiroth down to one HP. Immediately Ultimecia draws
Apocolypse from herself and casts it on Sephiroth, killing him instantly. Now the battle
will be decided! Kefka grins a girly grin and casts Fallen One on Ultimecia. Ultimecia
laughs, even at 1 HP, and casts Hells Judgement on Kefka, reducing his HP to 1 as well.
The battle is at a stalemate! The crowd is silenced in awe! Who will win? Who will die? As
the wind blows across the arena, as the two fighters stare each other down... Suddenly,
the two run towards eachother! This is it folks! This is the end! Who will... Huh? The sky
darkens and a large shadow appears over the arena... What is it? Suddenly, a huge meteor
appears, screaming towards the ground! Its Sephiroth's summon!! In an instant, the huge
touches down, annihilating Ultimecia and Kefka, along with a third of the
Meteor, which missed him by an inch* Hmmm, that sure is one wimpy Meteor. Not all it
was cracked up to be in FF7, that's for sure.
"Well that's it, no winner... What a waste of time! But suddenly,
the sky darkens again! Fearing another meteor, the remainder of the audience panics!
What's this? A black hole is appearing over what is left of the arena! Oh my gosh! It's
the void! A beam of light touches the ground, and when it disappears, a weary and confused
Gilgamesh stands up. "Huh? What happened? This isn't the void?!" YES LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN! WE HAVE A WINNER! GILGAMESH!!!!!!!! What an upset! Who would have thought?! Up
in the stands, crushed by a rock, Exdeath looks up, "Wow, that moron actually did
something right for once...". Gilgamesh hears this and, angered, throws one of his
swords at Exdeath, cutting off his head. "Hahaha! I am king now!" Gilgamesh
laughs and takes his prize, then sets off to return to Exdeath's Castle, now named Castle
of Gilgamesh. There he names himself "Gilgamesh, supreme king of all that is, was,
and ever will be" The End. There ya go. Gilgamesh wins cause he is the man!"
Well, Exdeath, looks like you
were eliminated three times in one battle! First by Diamond Weapon, then by Meteor, and
again by Gilgamesh. So I think it's appropriate punishment that we exclude you from the
next two matches. I know that, being a bad guy, cheating's in your nature, but we'll have
none of that while I'M the ref... boys, take what remains of Exdeath away and keep it
locked up until these next two battles are over. Stupid Exdeath... thought he could cheat
without brib... I mean, sponsoring me. Is he gone? Good, time for battle 3, hosted by
"Okaaaaay. First off, FF8 enemies would have a REALLY hard time,
because they level up as you do, and more than you do. Which means that a Goblin could
wipe the floor with them."
But who cares about
Goblins, this battle was only for BOSSES... the normal enemies will get their turn next
week. (yes, I'm milking this battle royal thing for all it's worth. ;)
"This battle would finish MUCH faster than any of the hero
battles, because the first thing that would happen is that Kefka casts Fallen One, and
Sephiroth casts Fallen Angel, and everybody in the entire arena falls to 1 HP. Then it's
all down to who has the smarts to cure themselves.
When the dust and curing sparks clear, only four are standing. Ashura from FF4, Gilgamesh
from FF5, Ultros from FF6, and the Turks from FF7 (yes, I know there's three of them.
They're not a boss unless they're together.)"
Hey now... you
sometimes had to fight Reno or Rude by himself, so I think... *is handed a check by
Reno* Well, I think it's a great idea! Ultros, what are you staring at? Keep running,
"Ashura keeps casting Cure 4 on herself, until Reno gets fed up
and traps her in a pyramid.
Ashura: *suffocates to death*
Elena casts Cure 3 on all the Turks.
Gilgamesh and Ultros are both still on 1 HP, but are running around the arena so quickly
that none of the Turks can hit them.
Gilgamesh: *drops Excailbur*
Reno: *picks up Excailbur and hits Ultros with it*
Reno: What the? *throws Excailbur over his shoulder*
Excailbur: *impales Rude*
Rude: "......" *dies*
Before Elena can cast Life on Rude, Ultros speeds past her, and hits her with one of his
randomly flailing tentacles. Since she isn't in the back row, she gets killed.
Reno: "Noooo! Elena! I...I...loved you...." *dies of a heart attack*
Gilgamesh and Ultros both run into each other, doing a measly 5HP damage to the other. But
both on 1HP, they both die.
on the forehead* Ultros, you purple dimwitted freak! That's exactly what you did last
"Seeing as all the major bad guys from all RPG's ever have just been killed, the
judges come to a conclusion.
Judges: "The winner is...Goblin, for the most kills!"
Well, that's it. Hope it's stupid enough. Oh, and say sorry to Ultros for me. Tell him he
would have won in a rematch."
Feh. He's already
had three chances and he blew them all! And what's this Goblin doing here?? I told you,
the enemies will get their turn next w... *Goblin steals Gengi Armor from Gilgamesh
and hands it to Macc* Hey, nice... what an original bri... contribution. Oh very well
then, I'll let you get away with it this time, but I expect one hell of a performance from
you next week. Alright, time for battle four, supervised by...
"This battle was seen, co-refereed, and so on by none other than
Jay Zulpes... AKA, some idiot wearing a big blue cape, and carrying around a katana.
"Katanas are cool!" *Idiotic Power Pose*"
...yeah. By that
"This has been a spectacular match! For those of you just tuning
in, this is the 'Battle of the Baddies', in which all the bosses, mini-bosses, or extra
special normal enemies have come together to duke it out! It's been unbelievable so far,
but now we're down to the last four contestants... sorta. As it turns out, a lot of the
baddies took it upon themselves to cheat a bit, and bring in any lackeys, friends, or
whatever to come help them. Any time the refs questioned this, they were quickly paid off
in whatever currency that particular enemy used."
everyone looking at him* What? What?!?
"So the final 'four' are as follows:
Siegfried, Chupon & Ultros(Final Fantasy III/VIj): Ultros would usually rear in
someone with his tentacle, giving Siegfried the chance to stab 'em... Or Chupon would
sneeze... Or, if all else failed, Ultros would simply use his ink attack to blind an
opponent, causing them to stumble around stupidly until some other baddie put them out of
Don't blow it again,
been thinking... why are you rooting for me anyway? I thought you enjoyed watching me
I have my reasons.
Now shut up and either start running or hide behind your buddies.
"Pokey & Giygas(EarthBound): Pokey managed to wheel in the
'Devils Machine' on a gigantic truck, with Giygas' essence inside. Being invincible inside
that thing, he was undefeatable, and kicked the butt of anyone coming his way. Pokey
himself hid behind the machine.
Jessie & James(Pokémon): These two almost didn't get in the compitition, but they
insisted that they were legit video game baddies since they made a sort of cameo in the
Pikachu/Yellow version of the game. After that, they proceeded to hide at the edge of the
arena. Noone really cared about them, since they were such losers, and anytime someone
came up to them, usually one of the really wimpy bad guys that can't hurt squat... like a
blue imp from Chrono Trigger... or a Slime from Dragon Warrior... they were quickly
knocked flat by Jessie's mallet."
Team Rocket and
again an incursion from regular monsters? I'm getting a headache... Jay, you just take
care of the rest of this match yourself, okay?
"Gilgamesh & Enkidu(Final Fantasy V): The ultimate warrior,
and his... sidekick. Gilgamesh quickly cast the spells Safe, Shell, and Haste at the
beginning of the match, making him much more formidable, and then proceeded to kick butt.
Enkidu hung at Gilgamesh's back, healing him with White Wind anytime he needed it...
And now here's the rest of the match!
Pokey wheels up the devils machine towards Siegfried, Chupon & Ultros.
"Heeheehee! You can't beat Giygas! Give him your best shot, losers!" Ultros acts
shocked. "Siegfried! Did you hear what he called you?! Get him!" Siegfried
proceeds to pound mercilessly on the bubble thing of the devils machine, but all the
damage bounces right back at him, just as strong as whatever he threw at him... *Dink*
-Siegfried received 1 HP Damage- (Hey, Siegfried is weak, remember? That guy in the
coliseum is just his imposter. Who, by the way, didn't enter the contest, since he was too
busy battling for Megalixirs.) *Dink* ... *Dink* ... *DinkDinkDinkDinkDink* Pokey laughs
evilly as Siegfried futily bangs on the bubble thing. Giygas gets slightly annoyed, and
casts a PSI Special Alpha, knocking Siegfried to the ground, and scorching Chupon. Chupon
gets scorched a bit, and starts sneezing uncontrollably, blowing the entire machine out of
the arena, despite the fact that it was a fourth the size of the place, and weighed well
over two million tons. Pokey begins to apologize profusely... The trio stares at him...
Pokey edges closer to the enemy... Siegfried smacks him over the head with his sword,
knocking him unconscious. Pokey gets fourth place.
Meanwhile... At the other side of the ring... Gilgamesh and Enkidu have been fighting
Jessie and James, whose entire strategy consists of James hiding behind Jessie, and
throwing roses at the two, while Jessie tries to smack them with her mallet. As it turns
out, Jessie and James are exceptional dodgers, and Gilgamesh and Enkidu haven't been able
to land a hit. Jessie bashes Enkidu over the head, causing him to fade into that little
red mist stuff... Gilgamesh grumbles, before yelling, "Gilgamesh, Change!" , and
turning into a huge beast-type man with eight arms, each one holding a different weapon.
Jessie and James do the understandable thing... They scream like babies, hugging each
other tightly for a second, before running away... Even if the doors are locked to prevent
escape, they just do that 'Fade the screen to black, then switch back and they're gone'
thing that all Rockets are so good at doing in the Pokémon games. Looks like the 'Prepare
for trouble, Make it double' duo only get third today.
Finally, there are only two... four... well, two teams left, anyway. Damn those bad guys
and their ways of stretching the rules so well...
Gilgamesh rushes at Chupon, and hacks it in two with his gigantic sword. But don't worry
folks! There's never any blood in Final Fantasy games. (Crowd: Ah... What a gip.) Chupon
just fades into a red mist. After a brief sword fight with Siegfried... it comes down to
just Ultros and Gilgamesh. The final battle, between those two annoying bad guys that seem
to show up at the worst times... Who will win?!
Ultros starts off by using his own 'Safe, Shell, Haste' combo, and then proceeds to smack
at Gilgamesh with a tentacle. "I'm the better baddie! Give up!" Gilgamesh brings
up an arm to block the blow, and the tentacle wraps around it. "Never! I'm the
ultimate warrior! You're just bad sushi!" Ultros and Gilgamesh continue this for a
bit, slinging half rate insults at each other, and Ultros wrapping tentacles around
Gilgamesh's arms... until... "Wahaha! You don't have any free arms left! Now what're
ya gonna do? I got ya in a stale mate, Gilgy!" With all his arms entangled, Gilgamesh
uses a different option... he kicks Ultros across the arena. "Don't call me
Gilgy." Ultros flies into a wall, but quickly recovers. (Bad guys like these just
never seem to die, do they?) Ultros spits a bit of ink at Gilgamesh, which connects in his
eyes, blinding him. Gilgamesh falls back a bit, and swings his weapons around blindly.
"Crap! You haven't won yet..." Ultros laughs evilly. "Uwee hee hee! Don't
tease the octopus kiddies!" Gilgamesh gets in a lucky hit, and lops off one of
Ultros' tentacles... which turns into a red mist. Ultros yells numerous curses, before the
tentacle miraculously regenerates. Ultros then proceeds to thrash at Gilgamesh
mercilessly. "Feel the power of an enraged octopus!" Gilgamesh stumbles back a
bit, and finally manages to rub the ink out of his eyes. Raising that giant sword of his,
he poses dramatically. "Starkle starkle little twink... Now it's time for you to
sink!" He brings his sword down on Ultros, creating a rather large wound. Ultros
screeches in pain for a few minutes, before suddenly becoming semi-calm. "Well...
It's been fun, but I really must be going. I'll let you win /This/ round, but I'm still
the most perfectly powerful piece of octopus royalty you'll ever see! Bye-bye!" The
Octo then proceeds to 'dive' into the ground, as if it had been made of water, and
disappears, leaving Gilgamesh the winner, and holder of the title 'Most Powerful Bad Guy
of All'! Now the only thing standing between him and world domination is... Gogo. Curse
that multi-colored do gooder! And his mastery of Mimicron! Curse him!"
Hey, I'm back! What
did I miss? Oh, Ultros got beaten again? Why am I not surprised? He must be furious,
getting beaten by his new arch-enemy Gilgamesh every time, heh heh... Well, four battles
down, four to go! Next up is the insightful commentary of... Mazrim Taim, the M'Hael, did
I pronounce that right? Oh, and let's not forget... Security, you can release Exdeath
"It is so hard to decide who would survive, but I would have to
A. Magus (You put him in good guys, but he is also, technically a bad guy)
B. Gilgamesh (Everyone tries to hit him, but he can run really fast to avoid them)
C. Kefka (Sorry, Exdeath, but Kefka used Fallen One on him and Gilga hit him for 1 damage
with his Excalipur - sucks, doesn't it?)"
Ha ha ha, good for
you, Gilgamesh! Sweet revenge... again.
"D. Sephiroth (His black cape is very cool as well as his sword,
and is the most powerful polygonal character-He killed the WEAPONS by teaming up with
Kefka's Fallen One attack)
Now, let's get ready to Rumble!!!
First, Gilgamesh gets everyone mad at him by poking them with the Excalipur, then running
away when they use their powerful magic attacks. Magus, Sephiroth, and Kefka huddle
together, and make a pact not to kill each other until that moron Gilgamesh is killed.
Everyone agrees, and they start to plan. Meanwhile, Gilgamesh, after healing, tries to
take a look at their conversation. Magus suddenly whips around and shoots about ten dark
bombs at Gilga's chest. At the same time, Kefka casts Fallen One and Sephy cast Super
Nova. Gilga explodes into little bite-sized bits that scatter around the arena. Kefka and
Sephy decide not to fight until they have each seen what the pieces taste like.
"Tastes pretty bad. One of us should have used a fire-elemental attack", Sephy
said with a grimace. "Uwee hee hee!" said Kefka, "You want me to warm it
up?" Saying this, he launched a Fire 3 at Sephiroth. Meanwhile, Magus has been
casting Magic Wall about a hundred times, and is ready to face ANY magical spell. Now
let's go back to Sephy. He calmly lets the fire hit him, and does a reenactment of the
time when you see him walking out of the flames in the flashback of Nibelheim. He then
takes his big-ass Masamune out and slashes Kefka to bits. He then sticks a Gilgamesh bit
and a Kefka bit on his sword, and tries them both at the same time. He then spies Magus,
and says to himself, "Perhaps something a bit...darker," and uses all of his MP
to cast Ultra Super Nova (100000x Super Nova power-enough to destroy a small galaxy). He
watches in satisfaction as it hits Magus, preparing himself for an explosion of world
(galaxy)-wrecking proportions. However, it just fizzles out on Magus's 100001x Magic
Walls. When the ref was watching Kefka and Sephy, he drank all of his elixirs that he had
been hiding under his cloak (useful as well as cool!) to replenish his MP. Now Sephy, with
no magic left, has to fight with his sword, as does Magus with his scythe. Magus's scythe,
of course, is invincible, as is Sephy's sword (made with the One Power?-ref. Wheel of
Time, by Robert Jordan). They battle across the arena, with Sephy bearing down on Magus,
almost about to slice him through, until a lone voice yells out from the crowd, "You
suck, Sephiroth!" and a lone tomato smacks Sephy in the face. Magus grins. Everyone
thinks that he turned to the good side, but that was only to get into the good Battle
Royal. As a result, all of the good guys are cheering for him. He catches a bottle of
elixir and 100k GP, throws the GP to Macc, drinks the elixir, and proceeds to use Dark
Matter on Sephiroth."
All in all, this is
proving to be quite a profitable... I mean, interesting match-up.
"He then shoots about 100x Dark Bombs, thus killing Sephiroth. Go
Magus!! The entire crowd falls silent to hear Magus' speech. "I realize that you have
all thought that I was a good guy. However, I only pretended to be one to get into the
Good Battle Royal. I now show my evil side, as I destroy Ultros here. No hard feelings,
Ulty, just have to prove that I am evil." Suddenly a sphere of darkness, blacker than
black, begins forming in Magus's hands. A dark cord stretching up to the heavens seeps
with dark power. He shoots the ball of anti-light at Ultros, and he is suddenly gone.
"He is now in the Cleft of Dimension. I like the ray form of X-Zone better than the
cloud form." Magus reaches down to the floor and picks up three different pieces, and
bites on them together, like a sandwich. "Mmm... Tastes like when I had Ozzie, Flea,
and Slash sandwich. Does anyone have some bread?"
Okay, Magus, whatever. Lucky for Ultros all combatants are
regenerated/reassembled/resummoned back from whatever they ended up at the end of every
match. Alrighty, time for match six, with Wertigon. I won't interrupt this one, since
there are already two hosts in this one...
"Well, for a start, the four remaining should be:
Ultros: Got to the top by running away every time he got hit(worked for Edward, didn't
Terapin(that EVIL turtle in BOF2): Fought his way to the top by using mindcontrol,
earthquake and firebreath.
Dark Lich: Morphed into the 'two hands and one head' form and killed everything that
touched them(the villains are always stupid, y' know, so they just went into those hands,
and everyone that didn't got beaten up by the other three(two))
Dark Gaia(Terranigma, second form): Turned on lightning beam and fried the opponents with
And now, to the fight:
Wertigon: Welcome back to the fight. Now we have four contestants left, and after each
been given a megalixir, they will engage in a battle. I'm Wertigon, host of this evening,
and by my side I've got Cojiro, another member of the Terranigna community.
Wertigon: So, who do you think will win?
Cojiro: Well, lesse now. First, I think Ultros will bite the grass. Then Dark Lich, then
Terapin and Dark Gaia will be the winner.
Wertigon: We'll see about that. Oh, here they come!
Wertigon: Okay, Ultros starts off by running around the arena. Is he trying an ambush
Cojiro: Maybe. Oh hey, look. Dark Gaia and Dark Lich starts to engage in a combat.
Wertigon: Yeah. Dark Lich morphs! Uh oh... This is going to be ugly.
Cojiro: Huh? Dark Gaia turns his attention to Terapin instead! This is incredible...
What's he doing now?
Wertigon: Oww... Nasty. Dark Gaia just sent out his lightning beam, and drains Terapin.
But wait a sec... What is he doing?
Cojiro: It looks like he's moving to those hands of Dark Lich. Wait a sec.. He... No! I
cannot believe it, but still...
Wertigon: WTF is he doing there? Oh no! He just touched those hands! Instant death for
Dark Gaia... You didn't bet on him, did ya?
Cojiro: Unfortunately I did. DAMN! One million dollars down the drain. Typical. Ah well...
Let's see what the rest are doing.
Wertigon: Hey, Dark Lich is engaging in a fight against Terapin now. Have you seen Ultros
Cojiro: Yeah, he's standing there, behind that barrel. Huh? Hey, Dark Lich just punched
himself! What a drag! Terapin must have used mind control.
Wertigon: I guess he used it on Dark Gaia too... Oh my god! Dark Lich just killed himself!
How is Ultros supposed to survive this?
Cojiro: What? You don't mean you actually did BET on him, did ya?
Wertigon: Well, only a little... Huh? Ultros is sneaking up behind Terapin, and he slaps
him! Terapin turns around...
Cojiro: ...And Ultros climbs up on its back and gives it another punch. And.. Oh my god!
Wertigon: Well, this was the biggest surprise I've ever seen! Ultros is the number 1
villain ever! Wonder how he could survive all that?
Cojiro: Well, he did hide until only Terapin was left, and everybody didn't bother about
him... I assume they thought he already was killed by some of the other guys.
Wertigon: Yeah. Thank you Cojiro for being here. This is Wertigon, and you've just
witnessed the first ultimate bossfight in history. Good evening.
Wertigon: Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go down and collect my money... Cya later."
Yes, I think I'll do
so too... heh heh... well, now you know why I wanted Ultros to win so badly... Sabin said
he wouldn't win a single battle and I took him up on that bet. I guess the extra battle
tactics I discussed with him paid off... eventually. I also know why he won this battle:
The only thing that makes Terapin dangerous is his Mind Control, and against Ultros he had
nothing to control. Okay, time for battle seven, with Ye Blunderbuss as your host.
"Now, let's see. In my eyes, there are three obvious contenders
for the final clash:
The Great Sephiroth, in his original form (ie. as he was in Cloud's flashback). After all,
whenever anyone tries to hit him or cast a spell on him, they almost always miss, and when
they do actually hit, it does zero damage. Let's face it, he doesn't even have an
animation for getting hurt.
Lavos - now this guy is just silly. Having absorbed all the energy from an entire planet,
he's basically invincible. Even Magus couldn't beat him the first time 'round. Add to that
the fact that even after you get him the first two times the core's still ready for more,
and you have a pretty damn nasty contender.
Ultros - well, everybody likes a good octopus, and who else can hold eight weapons at
Well, Gilgamesh, of
course. Unfortunately for him, one of those is always that weird Excailbur/Excalipur
thing... why on earth he still carries it around is beyond me. It's probably the main
reason why he didn't make it to the final four this battle...
"The last one is rather more difficult to decide on. I would have
chosen Magus, but he'd obviously head straight for Lavos at the start and get thrashed
without Crono to save him. Therefore, after much consideration, I reckon that the fourth
bad guy would have to be Heidegger and Scarlet in the Proud Clod (ah, the joys of
inaccurate translation. Who else apart from Square could have translated 'double' as 'W'?)
After all, it does have enough assorted weaponry to fight off a whole army, and if
absolutely necessary it can step on its adversaries.
Unfortunately for Sephiroth and the Proud Clod, quite a substantial proportion of the
other contenders are only sprites, and as such are 2D. Obviously this would confuse our
polygonal friends, who by the final stages of the battle have spent most of their time
looking around them and trying to work out what's going on. They've only stayed alive
because the Proud Cloud has been spraying bullets and lasers in all directions and taking
out anyone stupid enough to try and get near it, and anyone who tries to kill off
Sephiroth tends to give up after a few tries and goes for some more
Once there are just the four remaining, Ultros tries to sneak up behind Sephiroth and
gives him a few good whacks, each one, of course, doing 0 damage. Sephiroth spins round in
surprise and neatly takes off a couple of tentacles with the Masamune. In response to this
Ultros decides to get mean and calls in Chupon, or Typoon or whatever he wants to call it.
(It's a real classic line, though, isn't it? Fungaaaah!) He doesn't realise, of course,
that Sephiroth is from FF7 and in FF7, Typoon turned the world upside down and caused
everyone to fall off, which now happens. The Proud Clod, at the far side of the arena,
clamps itself onto the ground and stays put, while Sephiroth and Ultros both fall upwards,
eventually colliding with the underside of Lavos, who is still hovering above the arena
trying to decide what to do next.
When the world reverts itself, Ultros plummets once more, landing by some stroke of luck
neatly on top of the Proud Clod. Sephiroth realises what's happening slightly earlier and
is quick enough to stick his sword into Lavos up to the hilt, then hangs on to it, while
Lavos tries to get at him with those pathetic little claws. Taking one hand off the
Masamune, Sephiroth proceeds to cast Fire3, Ice3, and Bolt3 repeatedly until Lavos goes
down, crashing on top of our grey-haired friend.
Ultros, meanwhile, has clambered down into the cockpit of the Proud Clod and is presently
gripping both Scarlet and Heidegger with two tentacles each and hitting them against the
metal walls. After a few minutes he tires of this and chucks them out. This leaves Ultros
in command of the metal giant, and still having six remaining tentacles he can get to more
controls at once and make the robot do far more things at once than was originally
Having taken zero damage from his fall Sephiroth emerges from Lavos' carcass and spots
Heidegger and Scarlet, two 3D characters who he recognises and immediately impales with
the Masamune. A few seconds later the Lavos Core emerges from its shell and examines its
two remaining adversaries thoughtfully.
Sephiroth immediately goes for the 'Lavos Bit,' destroying it with one swipe. The core
removes its defences in preparation for its Active Life spell. Ultros promptly hits it
with lasers, machine guns, artillery cannons, flamethrowers, and that huge cannon on the
Proud Clod's back. Lavos bites it. This leaves only Sephiroth and Ultros.
Sephiroth turns to the huge robot, and realises that this is the final battle and he
should be looking more impressive. Muttering some esoteric incantation along the lines of
'estuans interius' he rises into the air, unfolding into his One-Winged Angel form. This,
however, means that he can now take damage. Once again, Ultros unleashes everything he's
got. Sephiroth survives and rises higher in preparation for Super Nova. Ultros realises
he's going to have to do something about that and uses the magic lock on Sephiroth.
Sephiroth tries to cast Super Nova, fails, and floats back down again.
Unable to use any of his really nasty attacks, Saviour Sephiroth gets pretty much whipped
at the tentacles of Ultros. He collapses back onto the arena floor, reverting to his
normal form in preparation for his final stand. Ultros steps on him. The crowd goes
Wow, great battle
tactics, Ultros, I didn't know you had it in you. And the more battles you win, the more
money Sabin will owe me, so try and take this final match too! And for the final match,
I'm passing on the mike to Rast. Take it away, Rast.
"Rast: "Welcome back, ladies and gentleman for another RPG
Classics battle royal! I, Rast, will be your announcer tonight, and Macc will be the
referee again. As you will notice, since last week we've installed blast-resistant
plexiglass around the arena. We hope that this will reduce casulties among the specators.
We apologize for the injuries that resulted last week. Anyway, the contest will begin
shortly, but first... hang on, we appear to have a late entry!"
Infested Kerrigan strolls onto the field, surrounded by a pack of zerglings.
Rast: "Wait! Kerrigan, this is for RPG bosses only! You'll have to wait for the RTS
Kerrigan psi-storms the crowd near the announcers booth.
Kerrigan: "I'm here now. I am the Queen of the Zerg and I choose to participate in
this competition. Do you have a problem with that?"
Rast: "Uh... no." Macc grows tired of this and rings the bell. "Well, looks
the battle is started!"
Macc rings the bell to signal the end of round one.
Rast: "And that's the end of the first round! We'll be hauling the corpses off the
field shortly... while we're waiting for that, Macc and I will be interviewing the
finalists before the battle royal! And now, a word from our sponsors."
Camera cuts to Ghaleon, showing off his newest textbook.
Ghaleon: "Ever wonder where a great mage like me studied up before magic class exams?
I used Cliff Notes of course! Each book in our Magic Cliff Notes series is guaranteed to
improve your finals by one full grade level, or your money back. And, if you call in
within the next 10 minutes, you'll recieve a collectors edition DragonBoy figurine
absolutely free! So what are you waiting for? Call now, it's 1-800-GHALEON. That's
Camera cuts back to Zoma's locker room, with Rast holding a microphone while standing next
Rast: "Amazing, Zoma! You've come through the entire competition without so much as a
scratch! How did you do it?"
Zoma: "Well Rast, unlike those fools from the Dark World, nobody here remembered to
bring a Sphere of Light. Without it, I am invincible!"
Rast: "How do you feel?"
Zoma: "I'm ready to go out and kick some butt. I never did conquer the Dragon Warrior
world, but I will conquer this arena!".
Rast: "Well, we'll see in the next few minutes."
The camera cuts to Ultros' locker room, where Macc is standing by for an interview."
Yes, thank you Rast,
I'm here with Ultros, who I'm sure needs no further introduction. Well, Ultros, looks like
you actually managed to avoid bumping into someone while running like a chicken with its
head cut off all battle... So what's your battle plan for the final round?
think first I'll run up to that Zoma guy, he looks like a big loser to me, and then
I said: Wrong. What
you're gonna do is hide from everyone, and when you see an opportunity head for the gazebo
I had placed in the center of the arena. Use what you find there and you'll stand a
chance, at least.
What is it? A long sword? A battle axe? A... hey wait a minute, you're trying to help
Haven't you been
paying attention? ...oh, never mind, just do it. I'll write it in your contract if I have
to. Alright Rast, I think Ultros is as ready as he's going to get... back to you.
"And as Macc leaves the locker room, the camera cuts back to
Rast, who is now in Ghaleon's locker room. Ghaleon has a few cuts and bruises but nothing
Rast: "How do you feel, Mr. Ghaleon?"
Ghaleon: "I may not have been able to give the people of Lunar the wisdom that only I
have, but I'm sure I have nothing to worry about here. That fool Alex has helped me this
time, since my stats are based on his. I was even nice enough to give him some extra
training before I came here to get him past the level 99 barrier. Hmph, the Dragonboy can
have his little world, I'll be happy with RPGC."
Rast: "So you expect no problems then?"
Ghaleon: "No.. none at all. Ha ha ha."
Rast: "And now back to Macc, for our last pre-finals interview"
Camera cuts to Macc, who is standing by to interview Kerrigan."
*picks up the
camera, which was laying on its side, wipes the blood off it and points it at himself*
Er, yes, well... it appears that the Queen of Blades doesn't appreciate visitors... her
Zerglings just ripped my cameraman to shreds. So if it's all the same to you, Rast, I'm
not going near that... woman. I'm heading back to the arena now, I'm sure you can think of
something to fill the remaining time.
"Camera cuts back to the arena. The crews are just finishing the
removal of the corpses.
Rast: "Alright! It won't be long now, and then we'll see who the baddest bad guy
really is! Hey... what's that?"
Camera zooms in on a worker pulling on a not-so-dead corpse.
Edward: "Hey! Let go of me! I'm perfectly all right! I've just been hiding
Rast: "Macc... could you get rid of that guy?"
clear out, Edward, you've had your chance last week!
No I didn't,
you disqualified me! I would've won otherwise! It's a conspiracy I say! A conspiracy!
That's it! You
should've known better than to use the "c"-word around here! Eat Death Spark!
Hmmm... maybe I
overreacted just a tad... Oh well, RPG Characters can recover from any wounds just by
sleeping at an Inn, so he should be alright if I put what's left of him in a bag and throw
it on a bed.
"Rast: "...anyway... let the battle begin!"
Macc shoots the bell. DING! Zoma, Ghaleon, Ultros, and Kerrigan all stride onto the field.
Rasts puts the Mortal Kombat soundtrack CD in the stereo, and the Mortal Kombat theme
plays over the PA system.
Kerrigan stands back, and throws a psi storm over Ultros, who promptly begins bleeding
from every orifice!
The crowd roars.
Ultross: "Yeoch! I'm outta here!" Ultross dives under the dirt. The crowd boos.
Then, Ghaleon, with his trademark "Time to die.", rains fireballs down on
Kerrigan! Zoma joins in the fun by casting Blazemost on Kerrigan! Kerrigan, who is still
casting psi-storm on the spot Ultross was at a moment ago, is burned to a crisp!
With that, Zoma stands aloof and begins raining spell after spell on Ghaleon, who
struggles mightily but is unable to affect the invulnerable Zoma!
But wait... where is Ultros? He's behind... Macc?
Rast (over a walkie-talkie): "Uh... Macc. Look behind you..."
Macc looks behind him, to find Ultros trying to fish his contract out of Macc's leg
storage units! Macc kicks Ultros and he flies away, landing in the gazebo at the center of
Ultros notices a shiny object at the edge. Ultros: "Hey... what's this?" Ultros
gets a Sphere of Light!
Meanwhile, at the edge of the arena, Zoma and Ghaleon duke it out! The blast-resistant
glass does an admirable job of protecting the crowd, and they press against it to get a
good view. Ghaleon is taking a beating, Zoma doesn't seem to do much damage with each hit,
but since he is impervious to everything Ghaleon can throw at him he just laughs and casts
Camera pans to Ultros, who throws the Sphere of Light! He misses completely and hits
Ghaleon in the back of his head! Ghaleon is knocked out cold! Ultros hurries over, but
arrives just too late, as Zoma takes the Sphere!
Zoma: "Looking for this?"
Zoma holds the Sphere above his head, and Ultros jumps up to grab it but can't reach it!
All the while Zoma is hitting him on the head!
Ultros: "Man, you are a wimp. I think Terra had more HP than the hero who defeated
you when she was first level. Your blows don't hurt at all, wimp!"
Zoma bellows in rage, dropping the Sphere while kicking Ultros, sending him crashing into
the glass at the far side of the arena!
Ultros starts to hurry back over. Zoma starts attacking Ghaleon again! He awakes, notices
the sphere next to him, he picks it up, and not knowing what to do with it, puts it in his
Ghaleon: "I'll find your weakness yet!"
Zoma: "Ha ha ha! You can't hurt me, little man!"
Ultros arrives back at the scene just as Ghaleon goes down...
Ghaleon: "No! Defeated again!" He dies.
Ultros picks the Sphere out Ghaleon's pocket before Zoma has a chance to.
Zoma: (sees Ultros holding the Sphere in front of him) "Uh oh."
Ultros hurls the Sphere at Zoma, shattering his barrier. Deprived of his defense, Ultros
finishes him off with a few blows from his tentacles!
Zoma: "Argh! To be defeated... by a damned octopus!"
The crowd roars again. Macc shoots the bell. *Ding ding ding*
Rast: "It looks like we have a winner! Ultros is the winner of the battle royal and
will receive the grand prize of 80,000 gil, as well as... wait... it looks like Macc wants
to say something..."
*grabs the mike* Yes,
that's right... you see, there's another reason why I wanted Ultros to win so badly. I
have here a contract between me and Ultros, and as you can see it says right here:
"If, by some miracle, Ultros should win any battle royals, all his winnings will be
awarded to Macc Maverick." Well, how about that? Alright Ultros, fork over the gil.
gotta be kidding!
I do not kid when it
comes to money. Now gimme the dough or I'll be forced to stop you in a real corny fashion.
one person who can run as fast as me, and that's Gilgamesh! So you just try and catch me!
*Ultros tries to run away, but from out of nowhere, eight weights
bearing the inscription "100 T" fall down on each of Ultros' tentacles*
over to Ultros, whistling... then picks up the prize money* Nice doing business with
*a ninth weight drops on Ultros' head*
strange gurgling noises*
Rast: "Tune in next week, for another great mailbag!"
I couldn't have
concluded this evening of Battle Royals any better myself. Oh wait, yes I can, by using
the point system I used last week and determining the overall winner! (In case you don't
remember the point system: The winner of a battle gets 5 points, second place is worth 3,
third 2 and fourth 1. The battles which didn't get posted in the mailbag were also
Third place goes to... Kefka, with 14 points.
The second place is for Gilgamesh, with 17 points.
But the undisputed winner is none other than the squished squid beside me:
Ultros, with an impressive 23 points!
Now, as I promised, I would stretch this Battle Royal thing as far as
possible (hey, we got a good thing going here, don't we?) so next week it's an even more
massive battle as the "regular" enemies collide! Expect to see old favorites
like Dragon Warrior's Slime and the classic Imp in a battle for which we'll probably need
to enlarge the arena! There's so many enemies to choose from... And for an added
incentive... whoever wins that battle will join the winner of the Good Guy battle, Gogo,
and the winner of the Bad Guy battle, Ultros, plus the winner of the Battle Royal which
will take place in two weeks for one final battle, where once again, YOU predict the
outcome. Will Ultros win, and conquer the world? Or will Gogo be free to annoy everyone
with his mime act? Or will there be an upset from the two yet to be determined
participants? We shall see...