RPG Classics Mailbag #12
You know the
drill... eight battle royals, RPG regular Monsters, let's get ready to rumble, blah blah
"*Ahem.* The problem with choosing normal enemies is that very
few of them pose any problems at all to defeat. That's their whole point. You're not meant
to get slaughtered by an Imp. However, they can be classified fairly easily into a few
basic groups, the four most challenging being, in my opinion, the Unhittable, the
Invulnerable, the Invisible, and the Big Mamma. Of course, there are many other groups,
such as the Unsufferable and the Insignificant, but these generally pose very little
trouble whatsoever (especially the Insignificant) and would have been eliminated earlier
on in the battle. Therefore, I would say the four surviving classes of the first round
Dammit, Gogo... I leave you in charge for one battle and you let Ultros get away?
"*Ultros pops up in the centre of the arena* Hey, everyone! Don't
play with the octopus, kids!
*appears in Gogo's head* Use the lever, Gogo... use the lever.
"Gogo pauses for a moment, then hauls on a lever. As has happened
before, a trapdoor opens up underneath the octopus, who disappears downwards with a
Boooooooooring... hey, wait, I've got an idea. Gogo, c'mere for a sec...
"Back in the referees' booth, Gogo and Macc are holding a
whispered debate. After some considerable discussion, during which the word 'contract' is
mentioned rather more than one would expect, Gogo reaches over and pulls another few
levers. With a loud rumbling sound, Ultros rises back into the centre of the arena,
clutching an elixir in two of his tentacles. He tosses one each to Tonberry and Magic Pot,
and promptly the trapdoor opens up underneath him again and he descends to the sound of
cheers from those spectators still awake.
Gasp! Did you see what Ultros did, everyone? Let's get him! *watches gleefully as the spectators take turns beating up Ultros* Heh heh heh, all's well that ends well. Well, after such a long, boring battle, I'm in the mood for a nice quick battle. Let's see if StarSoldier can give us one.
"The last four standing in the ring after a grusome battle of the
main monsters are the Imp, Bomb, Cocatrice, and Mage.
Hmm... it was a close decision on the Imp, who died last, and the Bomb, who killed everyone. So, it was *drum roll* the Bomb! Congrats to the idiot who blew himself up."
Yeah, the Bomb was the only one who did something in the finals, so there you have it. Okay, we've had a long battle and a short battle... do we have anything in between? Let's ask a new face... Barry Allen.
"Well let's see, Macc Maverick as always should be the ref. Round one would take so long becouse the monsters always have low attack ratings and high hit points, but after much fighting the last five would be..."
*blows whistle* Hey now, wait a minute... last five? Did I hear you right? There were supposed to be four, so one of those guys will have to... oh wait, I'm receiving a transmission from Barry... uh-huh... ah, I see. Alright, I withdraw my objection. Okay, introduce the combatants now, and I'll see you after the show.
"From FF6- Zone Eater, because it would just go around eating
Hey Barry... wasn't Peepers selfdestructive or something? This is getting... what? Hmmm, alright then, but I don't take Visa.
""Round one is now officially over and we are just going to
interview the five lucky winners! Now take it away, Johnny!"
We lose more camera men that way. I don't expect we'll have any left for next week... unless... *takes out Ultros' contact and writes something down* There, all fixed.
"Next up is Lavos Spawn. Mister Spawn, you performed excellently
out there! What do you have to say for yourself?"
The enemies face eachother, except for Peepers who runs to the corner. Crystal Dragon and Lavos Spawn team up on the Zone Eater. Crystal Dragon swoops down to attack but Zone Eater literally bites his head off... and is now locking up with the Lavos Spawn and is trying to eat him...... and does! But wait! It looks like those spikes are giving Zone Eater indigestion.... oh! And Zone Eater's out of the match! It looks like Magic Pot is the winner... wait, Peepers comes up behind him with an elixir and Magic Pot is down! But his dying breath hits Peepers and deals one hit point of damage and Peepers is down too!"
Uh-oh... now what do we do? ...isn't it obvious?
"It seems that Macc Is the winner! The crowds go wild, this is one rumble that will never be forgotten!"
Thank you, thank you, ladies and gentlemen, it's a great honor to...
Hey! You can't win, you're not an RPG enemy!
Don't tell me what I can or can't do... this is my show and I...
This isn't your show, Macc! We're not doing FARTS right now!
We're not? Ummm... oh, right. Well then, ummm... oh, the heck with this! Hey guys, he's over here! *watches Ultros flee as the spectators come running to start beating on him again* The nerve of that octopus, questioning my judgement... well, let's move on, shall we? Zero's ready to announce battle four.
"After days and days of combat due to the fact that a RPG monster royal is after all a huge melee with thousands and thousands of monsters involved, only 4 emerged due to superior skill, abilities and/or wealth, and these 4 are *drumroll* Master Pug, because he was underestimated due to his size, a Necromancer, because he "asked nicely" to some other monsters to do his dirty work, a Divine Dragon, also known as a Divinegon, because simply of his raw power and... what's this? Is that blob the arena janitor in charge or did he actually survive the onslaught? We now go live to the referee to know the answer to this question."
Janitor? No way, that can't be... Ultros is right here. *motions behind him, where eight spectators are holding down Ultros' tentacles while another one punches him in the face repeatedly* Wait, I'll activate the enhance-o-matic so we can see what it is...
"Well what do you know, it's a Metal Slime, I never thought it
could make the cut for this battle.
Huh? Oh, he's just lucky I didn't spot him... I was too busy counting these... uhmm, bottle caps. Yeah, that's it, bottle caps. *tries to hide the gold coins behind his back* What, these? They're just gold-colored bottle caps, now get off my case, will you, there's a battle going on back there!
"Oh well, we are in for an epic battle between a slime and a mage, but after this short message."
Which will earn me more bottle caps... hehehe... Is that camera still running? *blasts camera*
"(Elle from overworld (Terranigma, duh!) comes talking) You wish
to visit Stockholm but can't find your way? Wolves bit your ankles to a bloody pulp when
you made it? Then say no more, and come to our shop 2 miles before town, your one stop
shop, where you can get bulbs, antidotes, and even a copy of the whistle that the
legendary hero used to chase off the wolves! For a limited time, you get a bell to help
you find your way, a whistle, a silver lance, chain mail all for 4000 gems! What a
*holds up the cardboard*
"I stopped caring about that". Well what do you know... oh, the slimes are savagely attacking the mage, who is powerless against their double attacks... he has fallen! HE HAS FALLEN! THE CROWD IS GOING WILD!!! THE METAL SLIME HAS WON THE BATTLE!!!!!!"
Good! That lousy Necromancer didn't give me the amount of... er, bottle caps he promised. He got what he deserved. On to battle five with Larry Jensen.
"1) A Tonberry with its 9999 damage Everyone's Grudge (Ever hear of a dungeon in an RPG nobody ever returns from? The monsters in there kill a lots-a-folks, so this does lots of damage to them.)
2) A metal slime (with a vicious blaze-run combo).
Wait, there seems to be a loose end here... the slime never died! *sees the Ninja step on the slime* Oh... never mind. Well now that that's been taken care of, time for battle six with... Hm? No name. According to the e-mail address it's... Megaman984? Okay...
"Announcer: "Welcome back to the Regular Enemies Battle
Royal. I'm Wink Spiffleman."
I protest, gentlemen! This is not a sick game, it is entertaining, educational and profit... uhhh scratch that last part.
"Wink: "...is Hattari from Shining the Holy Ark. Whenever it got in any danger, it just ran away. I hate how it does that."
Energon: "We all hate it Wink; we all hate it. Anyway, our fourth
contestant is Memnoch from Albert Odyssey: Legend of Eldean. Since not one of these lowly
creatures defeated Valerian, Memnoch was invulnerable."
"*Macc comes up and takes all the money then smiles greedily.*"
Alrighty, that takes care of that. Now for battle seven, by Chris.
"The four enemies left standing in the battle royal would be... Hmm... Let's see.... The first would have to be the Metal Slime from DW1 --- The second would have to be the Mad Ogre from FF2 --- The third would have to be the Mover from FF5 --- And the fourth would have to be Omega from FF5."
What? Omega? How did... oh never mind, I don't care how it got in there, let it participate. I kinda missed it in the previous battle royal, so let's see what it can do in this one.
"O.K., now that we have our final four determined, here is what will happen. The Mover will keep moving around, dodging all attacks, Omega will do his Laser Beam on the Mad Ogre, thus damaging him really bad. The Metal Slime conjures up a plan with the Mover and the Mad Ogre. They come up with a super powerful petrify attack, and turn Omega to stone, but Omega seems to be resistant to the attack, so while they are trying to think of something different, Omega kills the Mad Ogre with another powerful Laser Beam. So now we are down to the Metal Slime, the Mover, and Omega! Now the Metal Slime and the Mover use their magic powers to morph into one!! So now we have a Metal Mover! Omega tries to petrify the Metal Mover, but nothing happens! The Metal Mover tries everything it has got, but just can't get Omega finished off. Omega tries everything, and his Laser Beams seem to affect the Metal Mover a little bit. So now the Metal Mover realizes that it is over for him. But he does not want to lose by himself, so with all of the will from the Mover and the Metal Slime combined, The Metal Mover conjures up an extremely powerful spell, called Heat Lightning. The spell kills Omega in one shot. Now the will is broken between the Metal Slime, and the Mover. So now they have to face each other! The Metal Slime casts Stone!!! But the Mover dodged! The Mover casts Stone!!! But the Metal slime is strong against Stone, so it has no effect. They battle for hours, using regular attacks, and cures, but the Metal Slime gets sleepy, and asks the Mover to finish the battle tomorrow. The Mover says O.K. , and once the Metal Slime goes to sleep, he has a bad dream, and kills himself, thinking that his dream is real, and by killing himself, can relieve him of the agony. (Just imagine what he was dreaming!) So your undisputed winner --- The Mover!!!!!!!!! (Probably your smallest enemy in RPG history, so remember kiddies, size doesn't always count!!!)"
Uhhh... yeah. Well people, I have here a written confession by the writer that he was, in fact, Stoned himself when he wrote this, so that explains a lot, doesn't it? ;) Well anyway, for the last battle we're going to another Chris... one you all know better as Rast.
"Rast: Welcome back to another Battle Royal! As we did last week,
I'll be announcing, with Macc being the ref. Also, we have a special guest announcer
today, none other than Ultros!
Well Rast, he did recover from the 100 ton weight that dropped on his head last week... he just didn't recover yet from the one that was dropped on his head this week, just now, by the angry spectators.
"Rast: Anyhow, we've enlarged the arena to make room for all
enemies that will be fighting today. Let's hope it's big enough. Let the battle begin!
Don't look at me... I stopped caring about it. My money quota for the day has already been reached.
"Rast: Um... OK, I guess.
Okay Kefka, I didn't care about you entering before, now I don't care about you being disqualified either. I'm with Rast on this one. Security, take him away.
Security? Hah, you mean Gogo? He's no match for my limitless powers! Uwee hee hee!
I don't even need to get my hands dirty on you, Kefka! Ditto, Transform! *Gogo's Ditta begins to transform...*
Uwee hee... huh?
Uwee hee... huh?
Ditto, use Fallen One!
Ditto! *casts Fallen One on Kefka*
Argh! I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate ha... *Kefka is interrupted as a 100-ton weight falls on his head, sending him crashing down to the arena floor*
Okay, that'll be quite enough of that. Thanks guys. Now escort Mr. Kefka to the exit, please.
"Rast: Well... by disqualification, I pronounce the Metal Babble here the
winner! How does it feel?
We would? I thought he said more sensible things in this last battle than in any other, actually. Well now, let's use the point system again to determine the overall winner! (The winner of a battle gets 5 points, second place is worth 3, third 2 and fourth 1.)
Third place goes to... Magic Pot, with... um... phew this is hard to count with all that strange stuff that happened, but I guess it's 6 points.
And... this is unbelievable ladies and gentlemen! We have a tie for first place! The Metal Slime and the Master Tonberry both have 9 points! Well... I think it's only fair that both of them will go on to the grand finale, two mailbags from now.