RPG Classics Mailbag #12

You know the drill... eight battle royals, RPG regular Monsters, let's get ready to rumble, blah blah blah.
You may have noticed I'm not that enthusiastic this time... that's because all I got was a disappointing number of eight responses, just enough for the mailbag. I didn't even get to do any selecting, so this one's probably not as good as the ones you're used to. So I hope this was a one-time occurance, and that things will be better next time. Of course, that's all up to you, the reader. So, don't let me down, I'm counting on you. Okay, let's start things off with The Blunderbuss.

"*Ahem.* The problem with choosing normal enemies is that very few of them pose any problems at all to defeat. That's their whole point. You're not meant to get slaughtered by an Imp. However, they can be classified fairly easily into a few basic groups, the four most challenging being, in my opinion, the Unhittable, the Invulnerable, the Invisible, and the Big Mamma. Of course, there are many other groups, such as the Unsufferable and the Insignificant, but these generally pose very little trouble whatsoever (especially the Insignificant) and would have been eliminated earlier on in the battle. Therefore, I would say the four surviving classes of the first round would be:

1) The Unhittable: Cactrot or Cactuar (whatever you want to call it. I'll call it Cact to simplify matters). Damn near impossible to hit, and 1000 Needles is a pretty nasty move.

2) The Invulnerable: Magic "Gimme 'lixir" Pot from FF7. As everyone has all their items confiscated upon entering the arena to make things fairer, no one can do it any damage and whenever attacked it counters, admittedly with a pathetically weak move, but it still counts.

3) The Invisible: A Keese from the Shadow Temple in Ocarina of Time. Again, pathetically weak, but as no one actually knows where it is, they can't hit it. Only Link has the Lens of Truth, and he's not about to lend it to any bad guys.

4) The Big Mamma: Okay, so maybe this guy isn't particularly big, but with 44,444 hit points and an instant death attack, he can wipe the floor with most foes... Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Master Tonberry!

The match will be refereed this time by the two previous champions, Gogo and... and... Come on, where's Ultros?"

Dammit, Gogo... I leave you in charge for one battle and you let Ultros get away?

"*Ultros pops up in the centre of the arena* Hey, everyone! Don't play with the octopus, kids!

Gogo: Hey, everyone!... Alright, I've done that joke to death, now. Ultros, what are you doing in there? It's normal enemies only.

Ultros: Yes, but you do fight me several times, remember. You only fight bosses once. That means I must be a normal enemy."

*appears in Gogo's head* Use the lever, Gogo... use the lever.

"Gogo pauses for a moment, then hauls on a lever. As has happened before, a trapdoor opens up underneath the octopus, who disappears downwards with a pleasant "Waaaaaaaaaaa..."

Gogo: I've never held with logic, myself. Anyway, let's get on with the battle. Everyone ready? Let the battle commence!

The four opponents circle one another, each one rather unsure as to how to go about this. First off, Cact sights on Magic Pot and lets rip with 1000 needles. Despite taking no damage from this, Magic Pot responds with that pathetic little move it's got that does a matter of a few hundred damage, and misses. First encounter over, no score.

Secondly, Keese swoops down and bites Master Tonberry, doing, say, 10 damage. Tonberry swings his knife around in an attempt to hit it, but by this time Keese has flown up high again. Tonberry begins to look slightly annoyed.

Cact turns its attention from an invincible enemy to one with merely a lot of HP, and promptly uses 1000 needles on Master Tonberry. That does it. Tonberry raises his lantern, and, with a muttered 'grumble, everyone's grudge, grumble' waves it in the air. Swirling red clouds surround all three of his opponents, even the invisible Keese up in the rafters, which understandably gets a bit confused as to how it's actually been hit. As the smoke clears, zero damage is done to Magic Pot, the word 'miss' appears over Cact, and a *thump* indicates that the carcass of a Keese has just hit the floor. Magic Pot responds and does a couple of hundred damage to Tonberry. One down.

While Magic Pot sits and rocks around aimlessly, Tonberry begins to waddle slowly over to Cact, who runs on the spot and occasionally launches 1000 needles at one of the other two. Tonberry reaches it and waits patiently. Not for long. As Cact takes a deep breath and fires some more of its seemingly inexhaustible supply of needles at Magic Pot, the Master takes a few awkward hops forward, and sticks his knife into Cact. Temporarily preoccupied and unable to dodge, Cact flops to the floor and sticks its pathetic little legs up in the air.

There are now two competitors remaining, neither of who has much of a chance. Tonberry uses Everyone's Grudge, doing no damage, and Magic Pot uses its move and does next to no damage. Time passes, and Magic Pot's cries of 'Gimme 'lixir!' become more and more urgent as it watches its MP draining slowly away. After maybe half an hour of this, by which time most of the crowd has gone to sleep, Magic Pot finally runs out of MP, with Tonberry on maybe a couple of thousand HP."

Boooooooooring... hey, wait, I've got an idea. Gogo, c'mere for a sec...

"Back in the referees' booth, Gogo and Macc are holding a whispered debate. After some considerable discussion, during which the word 'contract' is mentioned rather more than one would expect, Gogo reaches over and pulls another few levers. With a loud rumbling sound, Ultros rises back into the centre of the arena, clutching an elixir in two of his tentacles. He tosses one each to Tonberry and Magic Pot, and promptly the trapdoor opens up underneath him again and he descends to the sound of cheers from those spectators still awake.

"Gimme 'lixir! Gimme 'lixir! Aha! 'lixaaaaagh!" exclaims Magic Pot as Tonberry gets bored and proceeds to beat it to death with the fallen corpse of Cact. This receives a standing ovation from at least one or two people."

Gasp! Did you see what Ultros did, everyone? Let's get him! *watches gleefully as the spectators take turns beating up Ultros* Heh heh heh, all's well that ends well. Well, after such a long, boring battle, I'm in the mood for a nice quick battle. Let's see if StarSoldier can give us one.

"The last four standing in the ring after a grusome battle of the main monsters are the Imp, Bomb, Cocatrice, and Mage.

The simplest and shortest fight you will see, the Bomb blows itself up and its opponents. Well, let me check with the judge (who I think is Macc) on who would win.

Hmm... it was a close decision on the Imp, who died last, and the Bomb, who killed everyone. So, it was *drum roll* the Bomb! Congrats to the idiot who blew himself up."

Yeah, the Bomb was the only one who did something in the finals, so there you have it. Okay, we've had a long battle and a short battle... do we have anything in between? Let's ask a new face... Barry Allen.

"Well let's see, Macc Maverick as always should be the ref. Round one would take so long becouse the monsters always have low attack ratings and high hit points, but after much fighting the last five would be..."

*blows whistle* Hey now, wait a minute... last five? Did I hear you right? There were supposed to be four, so one of those guys will have to... oh wait, I'm receiving a transmission from Barry... uh-huh... ah, I see. Alright, I withdraw my objection. Okay, introduce the combatants now, and I'll see you after the show.

"From FF6- Zone Eater, because it would just go around eating everyone.
From FF5- That Magic Pot because it has so many hit points and everyone knows monsters can't use Elixirs to beat it.
From Chrono Trigger- Lavos Spawn, because it would just keep launching those damn needles.
From FF5- CrysDragon flew above all the fighting to stay safe.
From FF6- Peepers from Solitary Island... because it only has one hit point it was left alive."

Hey Barry... wasn't Peepers selfdestructive or something? This is getting... what? Hmmm, alright then, but I don't take Visa.

""Round one is now officially over and we are just going to interview the five lucky winners! Now take it away, Johnny!"
"Well folks we are just waiting for Peepers to come in from th... there he is. Peepers, you got through round one without taking a scratch! How did you do it?"
"gurrgel gurrgl"
".....There you have it folks, Peepers! Now on to Crystal Dragon's locker room, there he is. Dragon, would you describe your tactics as cowardly?"
"Roarrr!" *eats camera man*
"WELL, I'd better get going... keep up the good work."

We lose more camera men that way. I don't expect we'll have any left for next week... unless... *takes out Ultros' contact and writes something down* There, all fixed.

"Next up is Lavos Spawn. Mister Spawn, you performed excellently out there! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"............"
"Great! Moving on to Magic Pot... you took a helluva beating out there!"
"Well Jon, I have only one weakness and that's Elixirs and these stupid cretins can't use items so I can just lay in my pot and relax."
"Good, and last up is Zone Eater... what... Hey stop don't ea mummph mummph!"
"Ohh, poor Johnny... oh well. Round two is about to start."

The enemies face eachother, except for Peepers who runs to the corner. Crystal Dragon and Lavos Spawn team up on the Zone Eater. Crystal Dragon swoops down to attack but Zone Eater literally bites his head off... and is now locking up with the Lavos Spawn and is trying to eat him...... and does! But wait! It looks like those spikes are giving Zone Eater indigestion.... oh! And Zone Eater's out of the match! It looks like Magic Pot is the winner... wait, Peepers comes up behind him with an elixir and Magic Pot is down! But his dying breath hits Peepers and deals one hit point of damage and Peepers is down too!"

Uh-oh... now what do we do? ...isn't it obvious?

"It seems that Macc Is the winner! The crowds go wild, this is one rumble that will never be forgotten!"

Thank you, thank you, ladies and gentlemen, it's a great honor to...

Hey! You can't win, you're not an RPG enemy!

Don't tell me what I can or can't do... this is my show and I...

This isn't your show, Macc! We're not doing FARTS right now!

We're not? Ummm... oh, right. Well then, ummm... oh, the heck with this! Hey guys, he's over here! *watches Ultros flee as the spectators come running to start beating on him again* The nerve of that octopus, questioning my judgement... well, let's move on, shall we? Zero's ready to announce battle four.

"After days and days of combat due to the fact that a RPG monster royal is after all a huge melee with thousands and thousands of monsters involved, only 4 emerged due to superior skill, abilities and/or wealth, and these 4 are *drumroll* Master Pug, because he was underestimated due to his size, a Necromancer, because he "asked nicely" to some other monsters to do his dirty work, a Divine Dragon, also known as a Divinegon, because simply of his raw power and... what's this? Is that blob the arena janitor in charge or did he actually survive the onslaught? We now go live to the referee to know the answer to this question."

Janitor? No way, that can't be... Ultros is right here. *motions behind him, where eight spectators are holding down Ultros' tentacles while another one punches him in the face repeatedly* Wait, I'll activate the enhance-o-matic™ so we can see what it is...

"Well what do you know, it's a Metal Slime, I never thought it could make the cut for this battle.

And now, the final round will begin in a few seconds, after the ref finishes counting something handed by the Necromancer to him.

(bell rings)

Oh my god! After 6 seconds of battle 2 contestants are already out! Master Pug was brutally sent in orbit by the Divinegon, who was afterwards destroyed by the Necromancer who, for a short period of time, summoned a Bone Dragon! Why didn't the ref do anything about that?"

Huh? Oh, he's just lucky I didn't spot him... I was too busy counting these... uhmm, bottle caps. Yeah, that's it, bottle caps. *tries to hide the gold coins behind his back* What, these? They're just gold-colored bottle caps, now get off my case, will you, there's a battle going on back there!

"Oh well, we are in for an epic battle between a slime and a mage, but after this short message."

Which will earn me more bottle caps... hehehe... Is that camera still running? *blasts camera*

"(Elle from overworld (Terranigma, duh!) comes talking) You wish to visit Stockholm but can't find your way? Wolves bit your ankles to a bloody pulp when you made it? Then say no more, and come to our shop 2 miles before town, your one stop shop, where you can get bulbs, antidotes, and even a copy of the whistle that the legendary hero used to chase off the wolves! For a limited time, you get a bell to help you find your way, a whistle, a silver lance, chain mail all for 4000 gems! What a bargain!

(Ark comes in) And now back to your show.

Well, nothing is happening right now, they are just staring at each other, or shooting at the crowd which is blessing the new double layer of plexiglass... but wait? What is that slime doing? It's... it's... eww... splitting in 2... does that count as a penalty? Oh wait? The ref is writing something on a piece of cardboard...

*holds up the cardboard*

"I stopped caring about that". Well what do you know... oh, the slimes are savagely attacking the mage, who is powerless against their double attacks... he has fallen! HE HAS FALLEN! THE CROWD IS GOING WILD!!! THE METAL SLIME HAS WON THE BATTLE!!!!!!"

Good! That lousy Necromancer didn't give me the amount of... er, bottle caps he promised. He got what he deserved. On to battle five with Larry Jensen.

"1) A Tonberry with its 9999 damage Everyone's Grudge (Ever hear of a dungeon in an RPG nobody ever returns from? The monsters in there kill a lots-a-folks, so this does lots of damage to them.)

2) A metal slime (with a vicious blaze-run combo).

3) The big brontosaurus thing from FF3 ( or 6 in Japan ) that casts Ultima when it dies.

4) "Ninja Bob" - your standard RPG ninja type enemy.

First off, the Tonberry casts Everyone's Grudge at the metal slime, which does zero damage because the slime always runs whenever you're about to kill it. Then the Tonberry gets smacked by the big dinosaur's tail, stabbing his chef's knife into it at the last second, killing the thing which unleashes Ultima before it dies and damages the Tonberry. Ninja Bob takes off its invisibility and throws some shuriken, finishing off the Tonberry."

Wait, there seems to be a loose end here... the slime never died! *sees the Ninja step on the slime* Oh... never mind. Well now that that's been taken care of, time for battle six with... Hm? No name. According to the e-mail address it's... Megaman984? Okay... 

"Announcer: "Welcome back to the Regular Enemies Battle Royal. I'm Wink Spiffleman."

Announcer 2: "And I'm the Lord of Paper Cuts, Energon."

Wink: "Well, after many battles, the first remaining contestant is Pikachu from Pokémon. He does classify as a regular enemy because you can fight and capture him. The only reason he's here is because all of the other baddies thought he was just too darn cute to kill."

Energon: "The second contestant is Zeon Guard from Shining Force 2. That stupid little flower sat in the very back and blasted everyone with its laser."

Wink: "The third player in this sick game by Macc..."

I protest, gentlemen! This is not a sick game, it is entertaining, educational and profit... uhhh scratch that last part.

"Wink: "...is Hattari from Shining the Holy Ark. Whenever it got in any danger, it just ran away. I hate how it does that."

Energon: "We all hate it Wink; we all hate it. Anyway, our fourth contestant is Memnoch from Albert Odyssey: Legend of Eldean. Since not one of these lowly creatures defeated Valerian, Memnoch was invulnerable."

Wink: "I'm placing all bets on Memnoch. No one can defeat her if she is invulnerable."

Energon: "One of these creatures will find a way, maybe, probably, hopefully."

Wink: "Quiet, the last fight is beginning. All of the opponents are sizing each other up. What's this? Zeon Guard fires a laser at all of the contestants."

Energon: "Pikachu is so short the blast misses him entirely. Hattari runs away and isn't even hit."

Wink: "Look! Memnoch's been hit straight out of the stadium!"

Energon: "That's gotta hurt. Hattari's back now and he looks P.O.ed. It looks like he's casting Spark 2."

Wink: "He's casting Spark 2 on Zeon Guard. Oooh. Zeon Guard is down to 3 HP. Pikachu is coming in and... BAM! He used Quick Attack on Zeon Guard. Zeon Guard is down for the count.

Energon: "Nicely done Pikachu, you stupid little gay yellow rat. Hattari is casting Spark 2 on Pikachu!"

Wink: "I don't think Pikachu will be able to stand the force of that magic."

Energon: "He is taking that Spark 2 quite well Wink. What's this? Pikachu is evolving into Raichu!"

Wink: "I think the Spark 2 is acting like a Thunder Stone. Raichu is going in for the kill and... KAPOW! Raichu used Body Slam on Hattari."

Energon: "Hattari's not getting up Wink. It looks like Raichu wo-What the ... ? Raichu is changing. He's getting shorter and fatter. What is it Wink?"

Wink: "It was a Ditto all along Energon. Wait a minute. Someone is coming into the arena. Who is it?"

Energon: "It's Gogo Wink. That Ditto must belong to Gogo. It looks like Gogo is going to say something."

Gogo: "Good job Ditto. You have done a mimic proud. You are the grand champi-What is that!?"

Wink: "It's Memnoch! She must have flown over the arena until there was one contestant left! She's flying in at full speed and... BLAMMO! She punches both Gogo and Ditto in the face! They're both down for the count."

Energon: "It looks like you were right Wink. Memnoch won."

Wink: "I know. Hee hee hee. I know."

*Wink chuckles then counts a big fat wad of money*

Energon: "Where'd you get that money Wink?

Wink: "I won it from gambl-, ummm, the Lottery. Yes that's it. I won it in the Lottery."

Well, well, well... what's this, gentlemen? Betting is prohibited to non-staff members... didn't you know that?

"*Macc comes up and takes all the money then smiles greedily.*"

Alrighty, that takes care of that. Now for battle seven, by Chris.

"The four enemies left standing in the battle royal would be... Hmm... Let's see.... The first would have to be the Metal Slime from DW1 --- The second would have to be the Mad Ogre from FF2 --- The third would have to be the Mover from FF5 --- And the fourth would have to be Omega from FF5."

What? Omega? How did... oh never mind, I don't care how it got in there, let it participate. I kinda missed it in the previous battle royal, so let's see what it can do in this one.

"O.K., now that we have our final four determined, here is what will happen. The Mover will keep moving around, dodging all attacks, Omega will do his Laser Beam on the Mad Ogre, thus damaging him really bad. The Metal Slime conjures up a plan with the Mover and the Mad Ogre. They come up with a super powerful petrify attack, and turn Omega to stone, but Omega seems to be resistant to the attack, so while they are trying to think of something different, Omega kills the Mad Ogre with another powerful Laser Beam. So now we are down to the Metal Slime, the Mover, and Omega! Now the Metal Slime and the Mover use their magic powers to morph into one!! So now we have a Metal Mover! Omega tries to petrify the Metal Mover, but nothing happens! The Metal Mover tries everything it has got, but just can't get Omega finished off. Omega tries everything, and his Laser Beams seem to affect the Metal Mover a little bit. So now the Metal Mover realizes that it is over for him. But he does not want to lose by himself, so with all of the will from the Mover and the Metal Slime combined, The Metal Mover conjures up an extremely powerful spell, called Heat Lightning. The spell kills Omega in one shot. Now the will is broken between the Metal Slime, and the Mover. So now they have to face each other! The Metal Slime casts Stone!!! But the Mover dodged! The Mover casts Stone!!! But the Metal slime is strong against Stone, so it has no effect. They battle for hours, using regular attacks, and cures, but the Metal Slime gets sleepy, and asks the Mover to finish the battle tomorrow. The Mover says O.K. , and once the Metal Slime goes to sleep, he has a bad dream, and kills himself, thinking that his dream is real, and by killing himself, can relieve him of the agony. (Just imagine what he was dreaming!) So your undisputed winner --- The Mover!!!!!!!!! (Probably your smallest enemy in RPG history, so remember kiddies, size doesn't always count!!!)"

Uhhh... yeah. Well people, I have here a written confession by the writer that he was, in fact, Stoned himself when he wrote this, so that explains a lot, doesn't it? ;) Well anyway, for the last battle we're going to another Chris... one you all know better as Rast.

"Rast: Welcome back to another Battle Royal! As we did last week, I'll be announcing, with Macc being the ref. Also, we have a special guest announcer today, none other than Ultros!

Ultros: Ung...

Rast: Ultros is still recovering from having a 100 ton weight dropped on his head last week, but I'm sure he'll do a good job spicing up the conversation, right Ultros?

Ultros: Aaagg..."

Well Rast, he did recover from the 100 ton weight that dropped on his head last week... he just didn't recover yet from the one that was dropped on his head this week, just now, by the angry spectators.

"Rast: Anyhow, we've enlarged the arena to make room for all enemies that will be fighting today. Let's hope it's big enough. Let the battle begin!

<< Macc rings the bell >>

<< Fast forward >>

<< Macc rings the bell to indicate the end of round 1 >>

Rast: And that's the end of the first round! Concession stands will be serving complimentary monster burgers in a few minutes. Till then, we'll review the winners.

<< Rast looks out over the field to see who's still standing >>

Rast: It looks like we have a Metal Babble, a Night Blade, a R. Dragon, and... Kefka?? Kefka, step up to the announcer's booth please...

<< Kefka walks up to the booth >>

Rast: Aren't you a boss? I thought we tightened security around here after Kerrigan showed up last week!

Kefka: No. When the heroes fight me at the Imperial Base before Doma, I'm a regular bad guy!

Rast: Well... Ultros?

Ultros: Funggaaa..."

Don't look at me... I stopped caring about it. My money quota for the day has already been reached.

"Rast: Um... OK, I guess.

Kefka: Uwee hee hee. Idiot. << He returns to a bench and sips a Gatoraid >>

Rast: Anyhow, It seems as if the Metal Babble managed to get this far simply because he's almost invulnerable and runs away a lot. And, in case you hadn't ever noticed, RPG enemies have their stats fully restored between battles. As for the R. Dragon, these guys are so powerful, they may as well be bosses, but you run into them like they are normal enemies. Night Blades never show themselves till they strike, and if they get you in a corner, you're dead meat. And as for Kefka... well... he's Kefka. What else can we say? Any picks, Ultros?

Ultros: Ooogoofffuuu...

Rast: Well then, let the battle begin!

<< The four opponents stride out onto the battlefield >>

Metal Babble: *runs away*

Rast: Wow Ultros! He runs almost as fast as you do!

R Dragon: *casts Heat Ray on Kefka*

Kefka: Yeoch! You'll pay for that... uh... later! *runs away as well*

Night Blade: *sees the R. Dragon in a corner* *sneaks up behind it then mercilessly pounds it to death*

R Dragon: Urg... *dies*

Metal Babble: *Firebal on Night Blade*

Night Blade: Eh? *Takes a swipe at the Metal Babble*

Metal Babble: *miss* *runs away*

Night Blade: Dammit! *chases the Metal Babble*

Kefka: *stepping out from behind a big rock* Gotcha! Bio!

Night Blade: Crap! *Slowly takes damage till he dies*

Rast: Ooh! We have a sneaky trick from Kefka! But... what else would you expect? Eh, Ultros?

Ultros: Urrg... head... hurts...

Kefka: Uwee hee hee, I have you now! Fire3!

Metal Babble: *miss* *attacks Kefka*

Kefka: *is poisoned* Ouch! You'll pay for that! Ultima!

Metal Babble: *miss* *runs away*

Kefka: Eh!? *chases after the Metal Babble*

Rast: Looks like we got a heckuva match going here! Who will win? The awesome Kefka, or the lowly Metal Babble?

Metal Babble: *turns and casts Firebal*

Kefka: I've got you now! Uwee hee hee... Transform! *transforms into his angel form*

Rast: Wait wait wait... Kefka, you just turned into your boss form. We're gonna have to disqualify you.

Kefka: B... b... but...

Rast: Macc..."

Okay Kefka, I didn't care about you entering before, now I don't care about you being disqualified either. I'm with Rast on this one. Security, take him away.

Security? Hah, you mean Gogo? He's no match for my limitless powers! Uwee hee hee!

I don't even need to get my hands dirty on you, Kefka! Ditto, Transform! *Gogo's Ditta begins to transform...*

Uwee hee... huh?

Uwee hee... huh?

Ditto, use Fallen One!

Ditto! *casts Fallen One on Kefka*

Argh! I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate ha... *Kefka is interrupted as a 100-ton weight falls on his head, sending him crashing down to the arena floor*

Okay, that'll be quite enough of that. Thanks guys. Now escort Mr. Kefka to the exit, please.

"Rast: Well... by disqualification, I pronounce the Metal Babble here the winner! How does it feel?

Metal Babble: ...

Rast: Oh, that's right, Metal Babbles aren't intelligent. Well, I guess that's it. Show's over, folks! Till next week, send Ultros here Get Well Soon cards, we'd like him to be in better shape next week.

Ultros: Blurrg..."

We would? I thought he said more sensible things in this last battle than in any other, actually. Well now, let's use the point system again to determine the overall winner! (The winner of a battle gets 5 points, second place is worth 3, third 2 and fourth 1.)

Third place goes to... Magic Pot, with... um... phew this is hard to count with all that strange stuff that happened, but I guess it's 6 points.

And... this is unbelievable ladies and gentlemen! We have a tie for first place! The Metal Slime and the Master Tonberry both have 9 points! Well... I think it's only fair that both of them will go on to the grand finale, two mailbags from now.