RPG Classics Mailbag #13
Well, whaddaya know... eight battle royals, with RPG summoned creatures this time. I won't "let's get ready to rumble" again, that would be too predictable. Still a very small number of responses... only a little bit more than last time. Only one more to be exact. I sure hope more of you will answer to the big finals next week. By the way, you might be wondering why I'm so obsessed with these battle royals... well, so did I, until recently. You see, I found out that "Death Match" translated to Japanese is "Desumacchi". Well, it can hardly be a co´ncidence that my name is in that word... no doubt about it, destiny is at work here. With that in mind, let's proceed to this week's rumble, starting off with Jeffrey Goebeler.
"The last four standing fighters would be: Phoenix, Knights of
the Round, Bahamut, Golem. KOR and Bahamut have the advantage of being able to pack a
wallop to their opponents. Golem has the advantage of being able to take a very large
amount of damage. And Phoenix just keeps coming back. The two big hitters have just beat
all their other opponents, and are turning on each other. Golem has survived by taking as
little damage as possible from the other fighters. Phoenix has been given damage, and has
also died several times. In the midst of the fighting between KOR and Bahamut, some stray
blows from some tired Knights happen to land some blows on Phoenix and Golem. This happens
to be too much for Golem, who finally falls to all the blows, his Earth Wall finally
falling. And in the meantime, Phoenix dies a couple more times. Over all the fighting, the
King of the Monsters just can't stand up to the repeated attacks from 13 knights. Bahamut
gives one last MegaFlare, and takes KOR down real low, almost, but not quite to the
breaking point. But in a surprise, Phoenix is able to finish KOR off, after dying several
Well, unless it runs out of MP, or gets muted, or something... oh heck, what do I care. I've made so much money already, I'm not even betting in this battle royal. That's not to say I won't take any... donations, though. Anyone? No? Suit yourself. You'll soon see things my way, mwa ha ha... Ahem, right, time for battle two. Here's one by Kathleen Rutherford... hey wait... here's two by Kathleen Rutherford? Different e-mail addresses, different battles, same name. Co´ncidence? Forgive me if I'm a bit skeptical. Looks like I really only got eight uniques responses after all. Well... whatever. I'll just give you some of the highlights of both battles then...
"Phantom casts bserk on Ifrit. Shiva appears and Phantom also casts bserk on her. Then Phantom casts vanish on itself. Shiva and Ifrit attack anyone in sight. Titan notices that every time they attack Phantom a little 'miss' sign appears in the air. Titan waits until he sees the 'miss' and attacks Phantom, who is amazed that someone could have hurt it while invisible. Phantom recovers and casts bserk on Titan and Vanish on itself, for the third time. Shiva has killed Ifrit and is looking at Titan. Soon she attacks and they both ignore Phantom who waits as they kill each other. At some time Titan wins and Phantom casts Demi, halving Titans HP. As Titan cannot think clearly because of bserk, Phantom casts demi until Titan is knocked down to single digits. Titan has only 8 HP and still hasn't hurt Phantom, whose attack is so low it barely hits 6 on Titan. Titan misses again(what a surprise)and Phantom wins with a stunning hit of 2 damage!!!"
"Tritoch casts Fire3 on Odin hitting for 1253 HP. Odin then uses Atom Edge on Tritoch chopping him into tiny pieces. All of a sudden they come together and start glowing. Odin taps his foot impatiently until the pieces stop glowing and becomes magicite which Odin equips. Interceptor (Shadow summons him) does a Wild Fang attack on Odin hitting a Critical Blow damaging Odin 2314 HP. Odin gets P.O.ed and casts Meteor on everyone killing Interceptor and hitting Terrato 2348 HP. Shadow comes and throws an Imp Halberd at Odin hitting 4810HP. Terrato casts Quake on everyone; Shadow falls to his death. Odin realizes he will to if he doesn't do anything. The hole is growing toward Odin at a grueling speed. As soon as the hole is under foot Odin jumps off his horse and then the hole goes to crush the 2 victims. Odin is really, really, really, really, really, really mad that Terrato killed his horse and uses True Edge which instantly kills Terrato."
Two battles... as different as they are, they are yet very similar. Well, sending in two different responses is an offence I have not yet seen. I wouldn't have posted either of them if I wasn't so short on responses. Well anyways, I guess it's on to battle... Three? Four? Let's say three and a half to make things even more confusing. Take it away, TH Cole.
"Good evening ladies and gents, let's get on with tonight's show
shall we? I'm TH Cole, your announcer for this evening, and as usual, we have Macc
5000, 6000, 7... what?
"*turns off microphone* That's a lot of cash. I'll keep quiet for half."
What? I don't need to give you anything, I organise these battle royals, I can just fire you! But heck... you had Ultros whipped after he tried to sneak out of the battle royal before we could have some fun at his expense, so you can't be all bad. Besides, I have plenty of money now. But I won't give you more than 30% of this... take it or leave it.
"Fine, 30. *Turns mike back on* We have a ruling that KOTR is
indeed legal, for they are all summoned at once. OK, it looks as if all the summons are
charging up their moves. This should be interesting; they all only have one attack.
Bahamut's the first one, and he unleashes a Mega Flare. Oh! It toasted 2 of the knights!
11 left, and three of them have begun to counterattack the dragon king. He takes a couple
of hits, but gets up. And a Shockwave Pulsar comes out of nowhere! Griever seems to be
done, and 6 more knights down for the count. I believe that move broke the 9999 barrier on
at least 3 of those knights, don't you Ultros?
Oooh, pretty lights... Well, that was... interesting. Hey Ultros, how ya holding up?
I heal quickly, I'll be just fine... *wounds begin to heal*
Nasty bruises. You'll need to disinfect those. Here, let me help you. Don't worry, this won't hurt... me. *pours sulfuric acid on the wounds*
Phew, gotta watch myself... all this battle royal stuff is making me downright sadistic. Sorry Ultros, I kinda crossed the line there, didn't I?
*wounds heal completely* Well, I suppose it was hard to think up what ELSE you could still do to me. Hey! You apologised to me, that's a first. Kinda makes it all worthwhile... *sniff*
Don't get soft on me now, Ultros... 'cause I have a feeling that... let's say... your presence will be required again later on. Now, time for Donald Marco's response.
"Donald: Hello, and welcome to RPGClassics Royal Rumble Round 4!
The Battle of the Summoned! I'm Donald Marco,
So did I. It was hard work, but finally I managed to banish it from my mind.
"[After interviews by correspondents Terra Branford and Lenna
Of course, of course... the more the merrier, right? That goes for just about everything... (glaces at the received entrance fees)
"[Imp, Mage, Bomb, Roc, Chocobo, Generic Moogle, Remora, Fairy,
Sylph, Siren, Kirin, Stray, Shiva, Indra, Jinn, Ifrit, Ramuh, Titan, Unicorn, Phantom,
Shoat, Bismark, Carbunkl, Maduin, Golem, Zoneseek, Seraphim, Fenrir, Odin, Terrato,
Starlet, Palidor, Ashura, Leviathan, Salamander, Alexandar, Tritoch, Kjata, Hades, Lich,
Cyclops, Churpon, Phoenix, Bahamut, and Neo Bahamut, as well as Golbez' Shadow Dragon.]
*tries to ward off angry Knights of the Round, Crusader and Zodiac* Don't look at me, I had nothing to do with that, it wasn't my idea! It was... it was... Ultros!
Figures! Oh well, guess I'll start running again... I'm almost beginning to enjoy this after so many times... almost.
"Donald: Not to mention the fact that all three consist of
multiple sepearate forms. By the way, Rydia, where's your Mist Dragon?
[Round One goes off with various magics flying.]
Hey you! Bahamut! That's an illegal move, you know! Got any cash on you?
*Bahamut Zero tosses Macc the Bahamut and Neo Bahamut Materia*
Hey... mwa ha ha, thanks! That'll do!
"Donald: Well, if Macc doesn't mind, I don't mind.
Ultros, you dolt, you're blocking the lens! *moves tentacle* I only saved you from the angry "disqualified ones" because we were short on cameramen and it's on your contract you'd help out this week. Now don't give a hard time or I'm tossing you into the arena again.
Yeah yeah yeah... I'm new at this, okay? Gimme a break.
Wait... I think we're on. Well, I'm here in Chupon's dressing room... So, Chupon, what's going to be your strategy for this fight?
Ah... Ahhh... Ahhhhhhh....
I knew that was the wrong question to ask... RUN!!!
*Camera is blown away, picture goes black. Macc's voice is heard*
B... back... to you, Lenna... hey Ultros, could you hand me my... hand?
"[Cut to Odin's Dressing Room]
Yes you are!
No I'm not!
Yes you... oh, I think we're on again. Well, thank goodness I had a spare camera around... not to mention a spare hand... *glares at Ultros* Well anyway, we're here at Bahamut Zero's dressing room. So Bahamut, what's your strategy gonna be?
*a charging sound is heared in the distance, getting louder and louder*
I should really stop asking that question... uh, bye! *disappears*
Hey wait, where are you go- *Camera goes black*
"[Cuts back to Broadcast Booth]
Someone's gotta pay for making me use that line... too bad Ultros was already fried by that Teraflare.
"Raiden then proceeds to charge Ashura.
Indeed, that it will. Or will it? *ominous music... which suddenly stops when Macc adds...* Nah, just kidding, last week's the last Battle Royal, I promise. Now then, time for The Blunderbuss to make a return appearnce.
"Welcome all for this, the final qualifier for the RPGClassics
Battle Royale! This round is between all monsters, creatures, allies etc. who can be
summoned, and what an impressive one it's been so far. Who can forget the sight of Odin
and Raiden cutting each other in half, or the spectacular self-annihilating blunder that
was the Great Sephiroth summoning Meteor. You've turned up just in time for the second
half, in which the four survivors from the first duke it out for a place in the final. And
here they are, together with their trainers. After all, every summon monster needs
Ultros? How'd he recover from a Teraflare so quickly?? Well now, Ultros... as Barret would say: "Yer jes' full o' surprises".
"And let the battle commence!
All sneeze and no brawn, that Chupon... Now will someone please destroy Lavos before it... oh, I dunno..... destroys the world or something?
""Frog Squash ZERO!" Glenn yells.
Yes, using someone who's already dead... who is, in fact, Death itself as your entry was a stroke of genius. Not to mention illegal. Security, please take Mr. Ridcully away... and be sure to retrieve the prize money. *sigh* Yes, ever since that little Judge Macc episode, I know the burden of having to dispense justice is a heavy one... *touches his forehead and shakes his head in a dramatic fashion* Oh well. Time now for ShadowX.
"Ok, so when almost all is said and done, 4 beasts are left. Shade (SD3, he teaches death after all =), Shoat (FF5, Demon's Eye is a kill spell after all..), Odin(FF5, best at True Edge), Marduk (SD3 Lise spell, prob strongest beast attack in any RPG, keep in mind Ancient, Meteo, Merton, and Ultima aren't beast attacks).
Next.... Shoat starts to try Demon's Eye, but Marduk attacks and
silences him. Odin tries for True Edge on Marduk, but he flies up and Odin hits Shoat and
kills him. Meanwhile, Shade is in the shadows getting ready to cast Death Spell. Marduk
silences Odin, but Odin's True Edge ain't magical and so Marduk gets cut into nice little
pieces. Shade tries Death Spell, but Odin is a boss in FF5 as well as an esper, so it
fails. Odin tries for True Edge, but it fails and he only does Gungnir(physical attack,
not a KO). So, both beasts start charging up to fight again, but some red mist forms and
Shoat reappears (remember, he's a random battle monster too). He does Demon's Eye on Odin
and headbutts Shade out of the arena. Over the PA, you hear, "And the winner is
Sho.........wait a minute! Shade is falling back down into the arena!!" And as he
does, Shade impails Shoat with his tail and bonkes him with his eye. "The winner
is.......... SHADE from SD3!!"
"Announcer 1: Hello again everybody. I'm your host Wink
Spiffleman, and this is my co-host, the Lord of Paper Cuts, Energon. How are you doing
"Edward: Yayyyyyyy! Our fourth contestant is none other than Bahamut from FF5. Gotta' love that big ol' king of dragons."
face* Please... someone... get him out of here... before... I lose... self-control...
What does it
look like? You just killed me! Again!
Welcome everyone, to yet another Battle Royal! Tonight, I have a surprise for you all...
Wait wait wait! I haven't summoned my entry yet!
Ultros, what the hell are you doing here?! You can't compete!
Yes I can! And Macc can't take my money this time if I win since I'm not competing, the monster I'm going to summon is!
You? Since when when can you summon?
Since I bought this scroll. I got it from some guy who said he was from the Forgotten Realms. Ahem! Ultros unrolls the scroll, labeled "Monster Summoning V" and reads it aloud.
*600 kobalds appear on the field*
Ultros, they can't compete! There's more than one of them!
Yes they can! The rules say any entry may only include monsters summoned at the same time!
Dang, now I wish I hadn't changed that rule in favor of the Knights of the Round earlier on...
Well, OK. I guess. Now shoo, Ultros. Anyway, like I was saying, I have a surprise for you all. See, I'm going to compete today, and Macc here will be the announcer.
Uh-huh, uh-huh... and since when are you a summoned creature? Sorry man, but you really can't compete.
Yes I can! You can summon me in Arpagee!
Big deal. Half of the people reading this probably don't even know what Arpagee is... or should I say what it was going to be, since it was never even finished.
Doesn't matter. The rules say anyone, from any game. Never says if they have to be finished or not. Oh, and I have a gift for you too. *Rast hands Macc a small pouch* See, more gold bottle caps. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to change.
*checks the pouch* Hmmm... oh very well then... I grudgingly withdraw my objection. But I won't do this for just anyone, you know. Well, at least not for such a small amount. Now, let the games begin! *takes out his remote and presses fast-forward* And it looks like the finalists are Rast (figures...), 271 of the 600 kobalds, Ashura (from FF4), and Bahamut from FF7. Okay, time for the final round everyone. Hey Rast, remember the X-Com motto: "Don't get hurt"!
The four finalists stride onto the field. Bahamut flies after Ashura, while Rast and the kobalds seem to be on a collision course.
Breathes on Ashura.
Meanwhile, while they continue their pointless battle, Rast finally reaches the kobalds.
Hey you guys! You can't hurt me! You're only kobalds! Ha ha ha! Lit3!
Twenty of the kobalds are roasted. The rest reach Rast and start attacking from all sides! Arg! You'll pay for that! There's only 1 of you and 251 of us!
Yeah whatever. Starts cutting through the kobalds like they're butter. Each swing decapitates about 5 kobalds.
Meanwhile, Ashura and Bahamut continue their battle.
Ha ha ha! You can't do any damage that I can't heal! Takes a jab at Bahamut.
Roars in anger and breathes again at Ashura.
Cure4! Not enough MP. Uh-oh...
Laughs, then easily finishes off Ashura.
Argh! I can't believe you killed all of us! Dies...
I told you I could, you dolt! They did beat me up a bit though... Drinks a high potion. Let's see.. who's left. Just Bahamut.
Flies over to Rast. I have you now, you puny Knight! Breathes on Rast.
Oh please. The fireball hits Rast, and the number 0 appears above his head. I'm immune to non-elemental damage. Now it's my turn! Ice3!
Is out of range. Argh! I don't have any other attacks either! Well... I'll never admit defeat! Breathes again.
Once again, a 0 appears above Rast. Great, now what do I do? Oh, I know! Pulls out a Palm Pilot and establishes a wireless internet connection.
Roars, and breathes ineffectively again.
Let's see.. ftp.220.127.116.11... what was that username and password again? Flips through his ICQ history for that one message from that one guy.
I know you can't last forever!
Yeah whatever... now... let me edit this mailbag page... and...
Turns into a grasshopper.
Well... that wasn't too hard. I think I'll be off now.
Hey Rast, I hate to burst your bubble, but that was cheating.
Oh, right. It wasn't cheating... Scribbles on his Palm Pilot some more. Gold coins fall from the sky and bury the announcer's booth and a few of the grandstands around it... Right?
*head pops out from the pile of gold* Uhhh... forget what I said... In fact, right now even I can't remember what I said. Heh heh... I don't need anymore money now... ever. I'm so filthy rich I don't give a crap about anything anymore. Mwa ha- oh, wait, one little detail remains to be taken care of... *takes out a portable and starts typing*
As for my winnings, just run this ad instead. See you all next week! Hands a script to Ultros. Read this.
Huh? OK... if you pay me!
Scribbles on him Palm again. A 100 ton weight drops in front of Ultros.
OK, OK! I'll read the damn thing! Ahem: Want to make your own games where people can summon you too and you can beat on Ultros all you want just like Macc does? In that case, go to RPGMaker.net, where you can find not one, but three upcoming RPG creation tools. One of them is sure to be just right for you, and you download the latest versions of all of them. That's RPGMaker.net, at http://www.rpgmaker.net.
That wasn't very nice! Especially the part about beating up on me! Macc does enough of that! Change the script!
Whatever. Scribbles on his Palm some more. A Red Lobster truck appears from nowhere. Two men jump out and throw Ultros in the back and drive off.
Hey, that one guy looked like Shrouded One... *shrugs* Oh well. *finishes typing and puts the portable away* There ya go. What was I doing? Why, change the FTP password, of course... mwa ha ha.
Don't worry about Ultros, they won't hurt him... much. In any case, he should be back in a few days. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be back next week. Rast leaves.
Okay, one thing left now. The final contestant for the finals will be determined by using the point system again to determine the overall winner of today's battles! (Winner of a battle gets 5 points, second place is worth 3, third 2 and fourth 1.)
Third place goes to... Ashura, with 8 points.
Second place is for... Odin/Raiden, with 10 points.
And first place, pretty much as everyone expected, is for Bahamut/Bahamut Zero, with 14 points.
Now, it's time for the finals... How would a battle royal between Gogo, Ultros, Metal Slime, Master Tonberry and Bahamut Zero play out, and what would the winner do with his/its prize money of 1 million Gil? Stay tuned...