RPG Classics Mailbag #14

Now for the moment you've all been waiting for! Well, at least three of you were waiting for it... The Battle Royal Finals, between Gogo, Ultros, Master Tonberry, Metal Slime and Bahamut Zero! These eight finalists will battle each other eight times, and then we'll use the familiar point system again to determine the overall winner! Once again, I, Macc "Desumacchi" Maverick, will be the referee as we prepare for battle #1, overseen by Mazrim Taim.

"Hello, and good evening, ladies and gentlemen! This battle is being hosted by none other than Mazrim Taim, the leader of the Black Tower, from the Wheel of Time series, along with his helper/co-host, Orydio Koboldsbane, son of Rydia from FF4 (ok, so the name isn't too original), and very famous in his own right. It is being refereed by none other than Macc Maverick himself.

MT: Thank you. Now, Orydio, who do you think will win this exciting event?

OK: Well, Mazrim, I'm putting bets on Bahamut Zero. After all, we all know that summoned monsters, particularly those who can use fire, are very strong, and B. Zero seems like no exception.

MT: Well, we'll have to see about that. Now, let the battle begin!

The battle starts out with Ultros running around the Arena, randomly flailing his tentacles, and the Metal Slime, which tries to attack the more powerful contenders, but just runs in the corner when they fight back. Meanwhile, Master Tonberry is having a tough time with Gogo repeating everything it does, and Bahamut Zero is just blasting people randomly with Teraflares.

Master Tonberry tires of trying to fight an enemy that does everything he does, because it is just sort of distressing to try to destroy someone who you see in the mirror every morning. He spots Metal Slime in the corner, and feels the rage build up in him. I would have been the only normal enemy to come if it weren't for him. He will die!!!! With these thoughts, imparted to the crowd through the telepathy of some member in the audience (Just say Alvin Maker from the Seventh Son series because I can't think of anyone else at the moment), he charges at Metal Slime. Meanwhile, the Slime has decided that he won't attack anyone, since it will increase his life expectancy. He takes a pack of cards out of his gelatinous mass and starts setting them up for a rousing game of solitaire. He doesn't see Master Tonberry coming until it is too late...


Well, looks like the Metal Slime is dead. Bahamut Zero sees this senseless violence, done by someone from FF8, and gets in a rage. This is for two reasons. First, he doesn't like to see helpless characters being beaten up by such "big momma" characters as Master Tonberry, and second, he holds a deep grudge for people from FF8, as he is from FF7. While this is going on, a very different scene is unfolding on the other side of the arena...

Gogo is chasing Ultros around the left half of the arena. Or is Ultros chasing Gogo? We look at their comments to decide.
Ultros on Left: "Hey, quit following me around!"
Ultros on Right: "Hey, quit following me around!"
Ultros on Left: "Wow... I have a fan! And it is someone besides that moron Relm!"
Relm: "Hi, uncle Ulty! Can I draw your portrait?"
Ultros on Left: "Nooo... Uh... I am in a fight right now, but Uncle Ulty will come afterwards, all right?"
Relm: "OK, Uncle Ulty!" *Leaves the arena*
Ultros on Right *Changes into Gogo and starts taunting Ultros*
Gogo: "Ha! You are going to have to have a portrait! Ho ho ho!"
Ultros "Well, if I win, I won't have to! I can just pay her off, or hire hit men to kill her!"
Gogo: "If..."
Ultros: "I don't have to put up with this crap from you!" *hits Gogo for 1 hp damage*
Gogo: *Hits Ultros for 1 hp damage*
This continues for about 30 minutes, so they are both eventually down to one hp. Not yet..."

*yawns* These Battle Royals always seem to have these long periods of time where nothing happens... but this time, I came prepared. *takes out a deck of Magic: The Gathering cards* Anyone up for a game?


Master Tonberry gets mad and starts casting Everybody's Grudge, and when Bahamut Zero swoops down, he sees his chance and grabs Bahamut's wing. The piece tears off, and, incidentally, this part was the special part that Bahamut needed to fly. He plummets to the ground, leaving Master Tonberry to stomp on it, bite it, and do whatever he wishes.

Orydio Koboldsbane: What the heck! Bahamut was the best! How could he d-!
*Mazrim Taim silences him with a gag of air and an intense, searing pain in his head*
MT: You have much yet to learn, young grasshopper...

However, with all of the Teraflares, Master Tonberry is pretty weak, so Bahamut, in true dragon style, cremates himself with his last dyng breath, killing Tonberry along with him. Meanwhile, in the other end of the arena...

Ultros: This is getting boring. *pant pant*
Gogo: Yeah, lets stop for a while, rejuvenate ourselves. Hey! There are Bahamut's and Tonberry's carcasses! (sorry about the cannibalism, but I just recently read Alive, where the survivors of a plane... sorry)
Ultros, to himself "He he he..."
Gogo: *Rushes over to the food and immediately pulls some flesh off of Bahamut* Mmm... Smoky... Hey, Ultros, where are you going?
Ultros: "uh... to the head-flesh. I have heard that it is very high in chromium..." *Sneaks to the head, and gives Macc 10,000 gp in exchange for a lever to get the tooth out* He then takes Bahamut's tooth out, and, while Gogo is pigging out, hits him in the back. Gogo, not knowing that the flesh of a dragon heals nothing, gets dealt 2 damage, and dies instantly, since he only had one hp before.


*slowly nods his head* Okay, you win, Ultros. Gimme back the prize money and you're free.

"Ultros: *Gives money to Macc with a devious smile, and then starts hitting him randomly with tentacles* HAHAHA!!! I can do this and you can't punish me! You can't make me do your bidding! I'm out of here!

Macc: *holds up Ultros' "old" contract, with a smug smile*

Ultros: Lessee... On page 184, Paragraph 3 "On all days ending in Y, said servant is not to hurt said master. Furthermore, if this contract is paid off in any way, then former said servant will go back to being under the will of said master under the following circumstances: Breathing, Being, Fighting, Speaking, Spending Money, Earning Money... (goes on for the remaining 1000 pages) Hey! That's not fair!"

*Flips to another page in the contract* "Everything said master does to said servant will be completely fair..."

Ultros: I'll hire a lawyer! I'll hire hit-men! I'll hire the geniuses at Square! I'll-

Relm: Remember, Ulty? I was going to draw your self-portrait. Now, hold still.

Ultros: *Sticks his tentacle in his pocket to pay off Relm, and suddenly, a shocked, horrific expression comes on his face* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I spent all my money on Macc! NOOOO!!!

Macc: Well, if you come sign this contract, I'll save you from Relm.

Ultros: ANYTHING! *Signs contract*

Macc: Go ahead, have your fun, Relm, as long as you don't kill him.

Ultros: But... You said-

Macc: Oh well, I lied. It says that I can do whatever I want to you in the contract.

Ultros: EYAGGHHH! I'll get you for this someday!

Mazrim Taim: *Makes a gateway to Shadar Logoth, his new hiding place* He may have won the battle, but I will win the war. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Yeah, whatever, Mazrim... just gimme the cookies you promised me. Cool, now I have a back-up contract. That could come in handy. I should make a sport out of this... see how many contracts I can make Ultros sign. Alright, get back into the arena, Ultros... we'll now revive all participants for battle two, with as host... hey, it's Kathy Rutherford again. *frowns*

"Kathy R: I won't send in two e-mails again, I promise. *crosses fingers behind back*"

Hmmm... well, all right then, go ahead.

"You know the lineup, so let's get it on!

Ultros, Master Tonberry, and Metal Slime are gathered together in a huddle.

Ultros: I think we should gang up on our worst challenge.

Everyone agrees, but who is more of a challenge, Gogo or Bahamut? Bahamut answers this question by sending a sun flare on everyone. The three head towards the king of the Dragons. Then a sun flare hits them from behind. Gogo is mimicing Bahamut. Master Tonberry uses his Glare attack which works on everyone killing the Metal Slime. Gogo decides to join Ultros and Tonberry as they beat up and eventually kill Bahamut. Now the worst is Gogo and as Ultros and Tonberry come closer to Gogo, Gogo pulls something out and presses a button. There seems to be something else in the arena now. It's Gogo's Ditto! Gogo's Ditto casts transform and becomes the form of Ultros. Gogo mimics his Ditto and also becomes Ultros. The three purple octupi decide they are better with a truce, as they cannot tell who
is who. Two of them pin Tonberry down and the other hits him repeatedly until he's dead. Then the three octupi use various ink and tentacle attacks until only one is left. But who is it? The judges decide that, to be sure, they need someone to cast dispel on the octopus. Terra comes in, casts dispel, and the octopus remains an octopus, making Ultros the winner. Because of his contract with Macc, Ultros ends up giving the money to him or facing many 100 ton weights on his head and tentacles."

Heh... no matter what I do, I always seem to win in the end.

Hey Macc, this is getting really old really fast. If I can't win anything, why would I even bother to participate?

Do you even need to ask?

...right. Stupid question.

Well, tell you what, Ultros... if you come out the overall winner, which seems to be quite probable from the way things are going right now, I'll give you a special reward.

Really? Ooooooooo! Let me at 'em! I'll cream 'em all! *heads back to the arena*

Sucker. Alright, battle number three, by... Bill Rutherford? *glares at Kathy* Hmmm... what a coincidence. Oh heck, what do I care...

"You know the competitors so LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!!!!

Ultros decides to pin Master Tonberry to the ground. Gogo is next to attack and mimics Ultros. Metal Slime casts blaze on Master Tonberry. Bahamut uses Sun Flare on everyone. Master Tonberry is trying to get Gogo and Ultros off him. Ultros hits 8 critical hits, one critical blow for every tentacle, killing Master Tonberry. Gogo uses SwordTech 7 hitting everyone except Metal Slime. Metal Slime casts blaze on himself, gets a level up, learns fireball and turns into a Metal Babble."

Wow, we finally get to see Metal Slimes powerful morphing technique in action! Everybody run, there's no hope for you now! ...I know, I stink at sarcasm...

"Bahamut hits a critical blow on Gogo killing Gogo. Ultros uses Lode Stone on Bahamut hitting him into single digits. Metal Babble casts fireball killing the king of the dragons.

Announcer: "This will take forever.""

*is playing Magic: The Gathering with The Pill* Doh! Quit countering my Erhnam Djinns!

"<<<<<fast forward>>>>>
Ultros is down to single digits. Metal Babble casts fireball killing Ultros. Metal Babble is the winner."

*looks up* Huh? It's over? Metal Babble won?!? How did that happen?

"Announcer: "What are you going to do with your money?
Metal Babble: Blime blowing blu Blinbly Blan!!!
Announcer: "It sounded like he said he's going to Disneyland."
Well there you have it; the winner of the Battle Royal Series is going to Disneyland."

*blinks* Okay... the less said about this, the better. Let's hurry to the forth round, with TH Cole.

"Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen, to the final, ultimate, biggest, baddest mutha on the 'net - the Final Round RPGC Battle Royale!!!!!! I'm your host tonight, TH Cole, and with me here is Locke. Ultros couldn't be here tonight because, by some bizarre, otherworldly, unnatural miraculously weird twist of fate, he's in the battle tonight. Locke, having many a run-in with Ultros, what do you think about that?

Locke: Well, TH, I'd say it defies the laws of physics, the rules of the universe, The Ten Commandments. It boggles the mind, really. But at least that Gilgamesh pansy isn't here tonight. I don't even know the guy, but MAN! He's a real asshole!
TH: Yeah, I couldn't agree more. But it appears he's drawn somewhat of a meager fan base. So, all three of you Gilgamesh fanclub members, give a cheer for yourself!"

Well, I may not be a member of the fan club, but for a "Attack, then run but come back to bug you over and over" guy, he does have style. More style than Ultros, anyways.

Gilgamesh: You Bastard! You'll pay for that! Excalibur, attack!!
* 1 hp *
Locke: You dumbass, that's excalipur. Genji Glove, Offering, Graedus, attack.
* 9999 hp x8 *
Gilgamesh: *dies*
TH: Don't worry, he'll be back.
Locke: Damn!"

...he's just got that little Excalipur problem...

"TH: Anyway, the battle looks like it's about to begin. Again, the contestants tonight are Metal Slime, Bahamut, Ultros, Gogo, and Master Tonberry, for a grand total of five contestants. As per usual, Macc will be reffing, and Locke & I will be announcing. I appears that the contestants are ready, so we'll be back after this break.

*After crappy, leftover super bowl commercials*
Locke: And, we're back. This match brought to you by Blast-be-gone Blast-proof plexiglass domes, for those high intensity Blasts, get Blast-be-gone! TH?
TH: And, the match is just about to begin. Let's go to Ivan, my large Russian friend, on the Sidelines. Ivan, your thoughts on the possible victor here tonight?
Ivan: *thinking of meat*
TH: *blinks*...right. Oh, the match has begun! Let's take a closer look.

TH: The five opponents come out of their corners and onto the field. They appear to be sizing each other up. Bahamut flies high into the air, and is out of sight right now. Ultros is gone, probably hiding. Where's Tonberry? He can't hide!
Locke: There! He came up out of a hole in the ground behind Metal Slime. Oh, I can see the shine of that Chef's knife...
TH: Metal Slime goes down! Will he get back up? He's still got that idiot grin on his face.
Locke: I believe that Tonberry said something just then. It sounded like "Doink" but I don't...
TH: Oh my God! Master Tonberry just took a brutal cooking knife to the back from Gogo! That looks bad!
Locke: He's getting up! Oh, he's gonna hold a grudge against Gogo for that one! Hey, my timing's getting pretty good, because Gogo just got hit with EVERYONE's Grudge!
TH: Man, that takes a lot out of a guy! But he's getting up, and it looks like he's got a gudge against Tonberry! Yep, they're trading grudges like no tomorrow! Huh? OH GOD!! BAHAMUT!! GOGO TAKES A MEGAFLARE TO THE HEAD AND GOES DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Locke: SHIT!!! THAT'S A LOT OF GOD DAMN GP!!!!!!!!!!!
TH: Christ, there's a month's salary down the drain! Hey, how did Tonberry avoid that?
Locke: He didn't. Tonberries have vey high HP. So, we have a hiding Ultros, a very angry Tonberry, and a flying Bahamut.
TH: Look at all that blue fire coming from Tonberry! That's gonna hurt Bahamut when it hits! *looking up* Holy Shit! Bahamut is falling!!
Locke: OH SH- *really really loud crash*
TH: Is... OH MY GOD!! THE KING OF DRAGONS IS DOWN FOR THE COUNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TAKEN DOWN BY A TONBERRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS ONE FOR THE RECORD BOOKS, LOCKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TH: Sorry. Wow. So after several MAJOR upsets, we're left with a near-dead Tonberry, and Ultros.
Locke: *!* Oh no, please, say it ain't so, Cole...
TH: Oh, jesus...I see Ultros. He's right behind Tonberry...
Locke: Christ, not again...
TH: *begins crying* Ultros... just took out Tonberry... Ultros... Ultros...w..w..wins...
Locke: I'm going to kill that *censored...please stand by...censored...please stand by...* MYSELF!!!!!!
TH: *!* Ivan! Go beat on Ultros! Hmm, It seems we have Ivan, Locke, and now Macc are beating the flaming crap from Ultros...Ooh! Along with the entire crowd! Man, Ultros will have a headache tomorrow! ...Ummm, I'm gonna go join them. Heh... see you next time, everybody!

Aaah, that was refreshing. There's no real reason for me to beat the crap out of Ultros as well, since I get the prize money now anyways, but it's just so hard to resist when you see everyone ganging up on him. Well, now that everyone's had their fun, please get back to your seats, everyone... Ultros has four more battles to fight. When everyone's ready, let the next battle begin! For this one, I will hand the mike to The Blunderbuss once again.

"So this is it. The final battle. I've gotta say, I'll miss these things. After all, I've made it into the mailbag for three out of the four (although admittedly two of those were only because there were just enough entrants to fill the mailbag) and I'm going for the grand four in a row..."

Well, I'm glad you and a couple of others enjoyed it enough to keep sending in responses. Without you, I would again have too little responses to fill this mailbag.

"Anyway, back to the arena. Not such a chaotic battle this time. Just the five previous champions, back to test their skills against the others. Only one will make it through to the grand prize of one million GP, although what exactly Tonberry or Metal Slime will do with money is beyond me.

"Could I just have a word with you guys?" Ultros asks the others, a matter of moments before the bell for the start of the round is due to go.

"What?" Gogo, the only other with the power of speech, replies.

*bell goes*

"We're up against Bahamut," Ultros continues. "Now, I'm not too stupid... No comments please, Macc... and
I can tell that if we don't work together we're going to have some serious trouble. All he needs to do is -"

Tera Flare!

The fireball engulfs all four of them, completely disintegrating Metal Slime and doing not inconsiderable damage to the three others. Bahamut Zero glides gracefully into the arena on a wingspan of at least twenty metres, and lands in the centre. It roars.

Hang on, there seems to be something on its back...

"There you are, you cad!" Archchancellor Ridcully shouts at Macc, launching a crossbow bolt at him and only just missing. "Take my prize money, would you? Take that!" He reloads and fires again. "And that!"

AND THAT, adds Death, throwing one of the Lavos needles he kept from last week's battle. I WON THAT LAST BATTLE, AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF I'M GOING TO GET SQUASHED TWICE FOR NOTHING.

"Do you realise how many books have escaped because we haven't got our roof yet?" Ridcully yells. "Three of them almost beat the Bursar to death!"

Macc shrugs. "I've got more than enough bottle caps for the moment. You want some, you can have them."


*sigh* What a petty attitude for an entity of your caliber. But if that's the way it's going to be then bring it on!

"Bahamut seems temporarily distracted by this conversation going on from its back. It cranes its neck round to try and get a glimpse of the annoying figures, behind it, and this gives the others a chance to recover.

"Does anyone have any really nasty moves?" Ultros asks. Master Tonberry shrugs noncommitally and waves his lantern around, but it seems as if Gogo has an idea. He begins muttering for a few seconds and then...

"Tera Flare!" he yells.

Bahamut seems quite considerably shocked as its own fireball swallows it up, although definitely not as surprised as Ridcully and Death, who thankfully are thrown away from the blast as the dragon rears."

*stifles a laugh*

"Bahamut turns and glares at Gogo. Its eyes narrow.

Exa Flare!

After a few minutes the flames finally begin to fade away, revealing an unconscious Gogo, a rather scorched and also unconscious Ultros, and a charred Tonberry. Three contestants down, two to go.

Death picks himself up, dusts himself off and stalks over to Bahamut.

I AM DEATH, he intones solemnly, AND I HEREBY COMMAND YOU TO -

The term 'singed eyebrows' does not normally apply to a skeleton, but nevertheless Death managed to make it seem appropriate. His cloak now in flames, he draws his scythe and holds it out towards the dragon king.


While Bahamut is temporarily engaged Tera Flaring Death, Tonberry draws its knife and waddles forwards, muttering incoherently to itself. The king of the dragons looks round just in time to see Tonberry stab it before everything goes black.


Tonberry shrugs again.

Death puts a friendly arm round its shoulders.

MY DEAR TONBERRY, he says pleasantly as the two wander off, I THINK I MAY HAVE A BUSINESS PROPOSITION FOR YOU...

And Ridcully is left alone in the arena.

"Don't think you're getting away with this that easily," he tells Macc, waving his staff menacingly. "Just when you think you're safe, I'll be back. And I'll bring the entire faculty with me.""

Yeah yeah yeah, I've heard it all before, pal. Don't let the door hit you on the way out. Now then... everyone get ready for the next battle! Death, you can finish your conversation with Tonberry later... right now it's time for battle six, with Megaman984.

"Energon: I’m back and I am now the head announcer of the RPGC Battle Royal. My guest host, Edward, was once again killed by Macc, so our new guest-host is... PIKACHU?!!!!! How in the Pokéhell did that rat get to be the host? Oh well. How are you doing Pikachu?

Pikachu: Pika! Pi pi! Chu!

Energon: Good for you. After four long battle royals, the finalists are Master Tonberry, Metal Slime, Ultros, Bahamut Zero, and Gogo. Wait a minute. Are you Gogo’s Ditto, Pikachu?

*Pikachu shakes his head as if saying no*

Energon: That’s good. Macc is saying some stuff to Ultros, but we can’t hear them, oh well. The battle is now starting, so let’s let the contestants do their stuff.

Ultros: Hiya Gogo. How ya’ doin’?

*Gogo transforms into Ultros*

Gogo: Hiya Gogo. How ya’ doin’?

Ultros: I’m doing fine.

Gogo: I’m doing fine.

Ultros: All righty then. I, Gogo the mimic, forfeit from the RPGC Battle Royal.

Gogo: All righty then. I, Gogo the mimic, forfeit from the RPGC Battle Royal. Uh-oh.

*Kefka comes in and drags Gogo out of the arena*

Energon: Wow. It looks like Ultros outsmarted someone for once. Wait, he’s now saying something to Metal Slime. Let’s listen in.

Ultros: Funga. Urghhh. Oghh. Ech.

(Translation): All right Metal Slime. We call it a truce, and if I win, you can have 30% of the money.

Metal Slime: Oklrt.

(Translation): Ok.

Energon: That was weird. We’ll go now to Bahamut Zero and Master Tonberry.

*Bahamut Zero casts Teraflare on Master Tonberry.*

Bahamut Zero: And now, before you can get up, Teraflare!!!!!

*Bahamut Zero casts Teraflare on Master Tonberry. Master Tonberry dies.*

Bahamut Zero: Bwhahahahahahahaha-huh?!

*Metal Slime hits Bahamut Zero for 12 points of damage*

Energon: Well it looks like Metal Slime is going after Bahamut Zero, but where is Ultros?

Bahamut Zero: Now you’ll pay!!!! Teraflare!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Bahamut Zero casts Teraflare on Metal Slime, but it does nothing.*

Metal Slime: Urg.

*Metal Slime attacks Bahamut Zero for 13 points of damage.*

Energon: Well, this isn’t going anywhere. We’ll just Fast-Forward a bit.

*Five Hours Later*

Energon: Booooooooring. Metal Slime has kept on hitting Bahamut Zero, each hit doing around 10 points of damage. Ahhhhh, look at Pikachu sleep.

Pikachu: Pikazzzzzzzzzzuuuuu. *Snores*"

*is playing the Pokémon card game with a friend of his, Jerhova* Those Kadabras are really starting to get on my nerves...

"Energon: Well, back to the battle.

Metal Slime: Agh.

*Metal Slime hits Bahamut Zero for 53 points of damage*

Energon: That was amazing. Metal Slime did some damage to Bahamut Zero. Wait a minute, Bahamut Zero is now down to 21 HP. And here comes Ultros finally.

Ultros: Don’t tease the octopus kiddies!

*Ultros then deals 22 points of damage to Bahamut Zero*

Bahamut Zero: To be defeated by such lowly creaturessss..

*Bahamut dies.*

Ultros: Now remember our deal Metal Slime.

*Ultros repeatedly hits Metal Slime for 100 points of damage each until Metal Slime dies.*

Energon: Now that definitely was weird. Metal Slime just stood there while Ultros killed him. It looks like Ultros won Pikachu!

Pikachu: Pika. Huh?

*Pikachu transforms into a Ditto then transforms into Macc*

Energon: So you were Macc’s Ditto all along.

Ditto: Yes, I am. Macc told me Ultros would try something like that, so he sent me here to take all of his money.

Ultros: Whhhhhhhaaaaattttt?!

Ditto: You heard me. And now, Transform!

*Ditto transforms into Kefka’s angel form*

Ditto: Now give me the money.

Ultros: No! Never!

Ditto: Alrighty then, Transform.

*Ditto transforms into Macc again.*

Ditto: Hey good guys, Ultros is trying to take over the world!

*All of the good guys from every RPG (except Edward) charge in and beat the crap out of Ultros until Ultros gives up the money*

Energon: So, does this mean the good guys win? Naaaaah. Ultros won and Macc got all of his money, that’s all that matters. Good bye everybody."

That about sums it up. You've got an excellent way with words, Energon. Next we have a very original take on a battle with Donald Marco.

"Before we begin, I'd like to say this Royal Rumble was brought to you by Macc Maverick and a die. What I mean by this is, the results of each round (played Dragon Quest Style (Neutral Site, you know)) were somehow tabulated with the help of a single six-sided cube. (If you played Paper RPGs, you'd know how.) I won't go into full computational mechanics here, but I will list some of the key points: Since Bahamut ZERO is airborne, all Attacks or Tentacles will auto miss. However, if he "Attacks," anyone has a chance to counter-attack (even Gogo). If a 6 is rolled, counter-attack is successful and Baha takes physical damage. Metal Slime and Ultros can "Counter" after they've been attacked. This means that that person can roll after being attacked (doesn't matter if he's hit). If that person "Runs" that means he forfeits his next turn, but any hit rolls affecting him (whether he's attacking or someone else is)
until the turn thereafter have a -1 modifier. (i.e. 5 becomes 4, etc.) 6 will always remain 6 and 1 will always remain 1. Only 1 modifier active at a time.
{Whenever Master Tonberry hits with Everyone's Grudge, each character rolls. If roll is 5-6, character gets hit and gets a strike. A die is then rolled. If number rolled is LESS than number of Strikes, character dies. Oh, and we had to Tone-Down TeraFlare for vs. Gogo (66% cut) and Ultros (50% cut) Mimic also reduces TeraFlare's power 33% across the board}"

Anyone still following this? He lost me as soon as he mentioned the words "computational mechanics".

"The rumble is supposed to be continuious, the "Rounds" are demarkated so you can follow the HP status.
Finally, Character HP:
Gogo: 9999
Ultros: 9999
Metal Slime: 4
Master Tonberry: 44444
Bahamut Zero: 99999
And now, on with the show:

Donald: Well, here we are. All I've gotta say, is that it's been one h@!! of a month! What, with the Y2K flop and the Road Runner blowing out Wile E. in the Big Game! What's that? We're doing the Royal Rumble Finals? Oh. Well, then, the impressive skill of Gogo, master of the Similarcron, the speed and cowardess of Ultros, the purple octopus we all know and love, the boredom as Master Tonberry and the Metal Slime stared each other down to a time-limit split decision, and the shear spectacle of Bahamut ZERO's TeraFlare putting on a laser light show just this past week! And now, we're ready for the Final Round. One of these five may walk away with a Million Gil, if they're smart enough, courageous enough, and Greedy enough... oops, wrong show! Anyway, One will leave very rich, and the other 4 will be lucky to leave at all. So, let's get down to it! The Gladiators have taken the field!

Round 1:
Donald: Metal Slime makes the first lunge, but Master Tonberry ducks and responds with... His Lantern Death Attack, Everyone's Grudge. [When the cloud dissipates, all 5 are still there]
Donald: Well, I didn't expect that attack to work right off; these 5 have already staved off similar attacks to get even THIS far. But look! Ultros is running scared! Bahamut ZERO is taking flight even higher in the air now... And there goes TeraFlare! [TeraFlare hits all 4 and vaporizes Metal Slime]
Donald: WOAH! Metal Slime is now Vapor! Man! I'd 've expected the Metal Slime to last through two of those! And there goes Gogo, mimicing Bahamut. [TeraFlare only hits Tonberry and Bahamut ZERO. A ray just misses Ultros]
Donald: Taste of his own medicine. Wait! How'd Ultros dodge that? Woah, he's fast!
After Round 1: Gogo: 6731HP, Ultros: 5128HP, Metal Slime RIP, Tonberry: 31137HP, Baha-Zero: 95478HP

Round 2:
Donald: Ultros turns around and goes on the offensive now with those tentacles of his. But there's Gogo, once again turning the tables... And Tonberry suffers a Critical hit! Only 1000HP damage, probably, but that might hurt later. And there goes Ultros again. Tonberry counters with Everyone's Grudge. Bahamut swoops down at Ultros, but the Octopus is just too fast for him.
After Round 2: Gogo: 6476HP, Ultros: 4818HP and still running, Tonberry: 29402HP, Baha-Zero: 95478HP

Round 3:
Donald: Gogo lunges at Bahamut, but the dragon just floats above it all. Wait, he's swooping at Tonberry now and connects! Tonberry tries to take his frustration out on Ultros, but again the octipus is too fast.
After Round 3: Gogo: 6476HP, Ultros: 4818HP, Tonberry: 28426HP, Baha-Zero: 95478HP

Round 4:
Donald: Gogo goes for Ultros himself, but misses. Bahamut ZERO dives at the prone Gogo and connects, but the Mimic gets off a parting slash! Tonberry uses that lantern of his again. Again, no effect. And look at Ultros go!
After Round 4: Gogo: 5964HP, Ultros: 4818HP, Tonberry: 28426HP, Baha-Zero: 95211HP

Round 5:
Donald: Gogo is mimicing Everyone's Grudge! But, still no effect. Master Tonberry is trying Grudge as well, but what's this? Bahamut is rearing up! Look Out! [TeraFlare rains down! It misses Ultros, but hits the others]
Donald: Woah! Looks like Baha only needed time to recharge his TeraFlare. And Ultros was able to dodge it! Someone get this guy a contract with a battery company!
After Round 5: Gogo: 2652HP, Ultros: 4818HP, Tonberry: 19495HP, Baha-Zero: 95211HP

*looks up from his Game Boy* No chance of that happening... I think Ultros will have developed contractophobia by now.

Round 6:
Donald: Looks like Gogo might not be able to survive another TeraFlare. Ultros turns and hits Tonberry. Gogo retaliates by hitting Tonberry and Ultros. And there he goes again! Tonberry lunges at Bahamut, and Bahamut dives for Ultros, but they both miss.
After Round 6: Gogo: 2652HP, Ultros: 4533HP and still running, Tonberry: 18488HP, Baha-Zero: 95211HP

Round 7:
Donald: Tonberry uses his lantern again, but what's this? Bahamut ZERO is having some problems staying up! He recovers, however, as Gogo tries his hand. Tonberry looks shocked! I'm wondering why, we've seen Gogo use Tonberry's attack earlier... And Ultros takes a quick swipe at Gogo, followed by a dive bomb courtesy of Bahamut. Things aren't looking too good for the mimic right now.
After Round 7: Gogo: 1088HP, Ultros: 4533HP, Tonberry: 18488HP, Baha-Zero: 95211HP

Round 8:
Donald: Ultros uses his octopus ink on Tonberry, but he dodges, and Ooh! Bahamut dives right on top of Ultros! Ultros doesn't have much left, and he knows it. But what's this? [We see Gogo start to run as fast as Ultros, and as scared]
Donald: Gogo's taking off! What's he up to? Tonberry makes another pass at Ultros, no effect. That squid's as fast as the Road Runner!
After Round 8: Gogo: 1088HP and still running, Ultros: 3212HP and still running, Tonberry: 18488HP, Baha-Zero: 95211HP

Round 9:
Donald: Woah Boy! TeraFlare!
[TeraFlare shoots out. It somehow misses Gogo and Tonberry, but hits Ultros Dead on]
Donald: And THAT's the end of Ultros! I guess he couldn't run from TeraFlare forever... Tonberry tries to leap for Bahamut, but the dragon floats out of range. And Gogo's Still running!
After Round 9: Gogo: 1088HP, Ultros RIP, Tonberry: 18488HP, Baha-Zero: 95211HP

Round 10:
Donald: Master Tonberry's using his lantern again, but all it's doing is clouding up the field. I can barely make out everyone missing everyone else.
After Round 10: Gogo: 1088HP, Tonberry: 18488HP, Baha-Zero: 95211HP

Round 11:
Donald: The smoke clears and Bahamut lunges for Gogo! Gogo's Down! Wait... he's struggling, but he's getting up. Man, X-Meteo might be a factor now. Tonberry uses his lantern again, no effect, but Gogo's mimicing...
[We see something falling to earth in the Red Cloud]
Donald: And Bahamut ZERO Goes DOWN!
After Round 11: Gogo: 367HP, Tonberry: 18488HP, Baha-Zero RIP

Note: All attacks are now directed at opponent. If Gogo is attacked, then Mimics, [1,2]: Misses, [3,4]: Regular Hit, [5]: Critical Hit [6]: uses
X-Meteo instead of mimicing (Can mimic X-Meteo).

Round 12:
Donald: Now it's down to Gogo and Master Tonberry. Gogo's mimicing his last attack, Tonberry's responding with his own lantern. No good, they're both standing.
After Round 12: Gogo: 367HP, Tonberry: 18488HP

Round 13:
Donald: They're both going for the lanterns again...
[We see both fall in the Red Cloud]
Donald: Oh, God! They're both down!
[Hold a few seconds, then show Gogo slowly getting up. Tonberry is still down, looking very dead]
Donald: Wait, what's this? Gogo's up! Gogo's Up!
[SSF2 Tournament Victory music plays]
Donald: Gogo has done it! Gogo has won the RPG Royal Rumble!"

*yawns as he puts his Game Boy away* Well, I hope someone understood how that all happened. I certainly learned something from this experience: I should've paid more attention in Math class. Now, it's time for the final battle, which, as tradition would have it, will be brought to you by Rast.

"Rast: Welcome back everyone, for the final conclusion of the RPG Battle Royal! As usual, I'll be announcing tonight, with Macc as the ref. We'll be starting momentarily, as soon as Ultros shows up.

Ultros: (from behind Rast) I'm right here! I don't want to compete this week!

Rast: Eh? Why not?

Ultros: Because if I win, Macc will just take all my money again! I won the last time and then that whole 100 ton weight thing started! I'm not going out there!

Rast: (reaching into a desk drawer) I can understand if you feel that way Ultros... (puts a materia in the slot in the bridge of his glasses), so you know what I'm going to do about it?

Ultros: Uh.. what?

Rast: This! Manipulate!

Ultros: (is manipulated) Agh! This isn't fair!"

*sigh* Isn't it pitiful, Rast? No matter what you do to him, he can never think of a better line than "That's not fair".

"Rast: Life's not fair Ultros, get used to it. Now, off to the arena. March!

Ultros: (begins to move toward the arena, against his will) This isn't fair! I'm only doing this because I don't have any choice.

Rast: OK, Macc. Hit it!

Macc nods, and hits the bell.

Master Tonberry and the Metal Slime come out of the Normal Monster gate. Master Tonberry immediately turns to the Metal Slime and and uses Everyone's Grudge.

A little "miss" sign appears above the Metal Slime, who casts Blaze on Master Tonberry.

Then Bahamut, who flew out of the Summoned Monster gate arrives at the scene, and spews a fireball at the both of them, hitting Master Tonberry for 2587 and the Metal Slime for 0.

Master Tonberry: Ouch! Everyone's Grudge!

The number 9999 appears above Bahamut's head.

The Metal Slime casts Blaze on Master Tonberry.

Meanwhile... at the Bosses gate...

Rast: (Through the manipulate materia) OK Ultros, go after Gogo.

Ultros: What? He's the security guard! He'll kick my arse to kindgom come and back! *starts the slither toward Gogo*

Rast: Just trust me... not like you have any choice.

Gogo sees Ultros heading toward him, and obligingly starts toward Ultros.

Rast: Now hit him with your tentacles.

Ultros: (Hits Gogo with his tentacles. The number 387 appears above Gogo's head). If I'm eliminated first, it's all your fault Rast!

Gogo: (Hits Ultros with tentacles. The number 571 appears above Ultros' head). If I'm eliminated first, it's all your fault Rast!

Rast: Now cast Doom on yourself, Ultros.

Ultros: Oh... I see... (Casts Doom on himself. The word "Miss" appears above his head, since bosses are usually immune to Doom).

Gogo: Oh.. I see... (Casts Doom on himself. He falls over dead.)

The crowd sits in stunned silence.

Meanwhile, across the arena...

Master Tonberry: Everyone's Grudge!

Bahamut: Argh... (Falls down dead)

Master Tonberry: Now... where'd that little metal critter get off to... Well... Ultros is right over there, he can't be too hard.

Ultros: (Sees Master Tonberry heading straight for him) ...Uh... Can I run away?

Rast: No. He doesn't have very much health left, just hit him with your tentacles.

Ultros: (Hits Master Tonberry with his tentacles. Tonberry promptly falls over dead). Wow! I might actually win! All that's left is that wussy Metal Slime.

Just at that moment, an angry spectator waving a sign that says "Save the Octopusses" breaks into the announcers booth. He tackles Rast, and the Manipulate Materia pops out of his glasses and rolls under the desk.

Ultros: (Manipulate is broken) Hey! I'm free! (To the Metal Slime) This is your lucky day! Later! (He dives under the dirt, and is seen resurfacing outside the arena).

Rast: (Runs the annoying Ultros lover through with his sword, then grabs the mic) Security! Get Ultros back here! (Looks at Gogo's battered corpse on the field). Oh... yeah.

Don't worry, I've got Kefka doing the security for this match. He won't get far. *a large shadow passes over the arena as Kefka, in angel form, flies over* But still, running away counts as an elimination, so...

"Rast: Well then, I guess the Metal Slime wins! But... metal slimes aren't intelligent, so I guess we'll have to award the 1 million GP to a trust fund. Macc, step up to the booth please.

Rast gives Macc 1 million GP.

Rast: Macc, congratulations on a fine match! How do you plan on spending your winnings?"

Well, Rast... this money is nothing compared to that GP rain last week. I've got so much money now, I'll never be able to spend it all. So that's why I plan on doing a little gameshow... "Who wants to be a Millionnaire" sounds good. I'm sure I can "convince" the producers to let me host one show for RPG characters. That should be entertainment enough for the next mailbag. In these Battle Royals, we've seen who has the most brawn... now we'll see who has the most brains.

"Rast: And now, since the whole Battle Royal thing is over, could everyone please vacate the arena so we can put it away. Except for that group of people waving around the "I love Ultros" signs... stay in the center of the arena. I want to talk to you after everyone leaves.

The specatators gradually clear out. About 20 minutes later all that's left is the group of 15 or so protestors.

Rast: (Still in the announcers booth). Wow. What suckers. (pushes a button. A gate opens, and three hungry dragons pop out and messily devour the protestors. Then they go back through the gate). Guess we won't be seeing them again. (Pushes another button. The arena folds up on itself, until it's the size of a deck of cards. Rast is neatly deposited on a street corner).

Rast: (Picks up the compacted arena, and puts it in his pocket, then walks off).

*stares at Rast as he leaves* Hey Rast, don't forget to return that to Merlin, it's his arena you know. Okay, now let's use the point system one more time to... what, you forgot the point system? *slaps himself on the forehead* Why do I have to say this every week... oh, alright, one last time: The winner of a battle gets 5 points, second place gets 3, third 2, fourth 1 and fifth zilch.

So we have to conclude that the fifth place is for the Metal Slime, with 13 points. He did place first twice, but he didn't do too well in the rest of the battles.

Fourth place is quite a shocker... I thought Bahamut Zero would do better. He has only 15 points.

Third place is for Gogo, who also had 15 points, but he places higher because he actually won a battle. Bahamut didn't even win one battle. I still can't believe it.

Anyway, second place is awarded to Master Tonberry with 18 points, so that means... Ultros is the winner, with 29 points! Well, Ultros, nice job, you get a million bonus Gil for being the overall winner! ...oh, right, he's not here anymore. Too bad, I'll just have to keep the money then... which will be the prize in next week's mailbag!