RPG Classics Mailbag #18

Well, another week, another mailbag... what's that? It took longer than a week? My, how perceptive of you! Okay, I gave up on excuses months ago, so let's just get this show on the road, shall we? This mailbag was about choosing an existing RPG character to star in another RPG, and boy... I've had a pleasant surprise in the amount of responses this time: 13 people responded! Yay, that means I actually get to do some selecting again. Anyway, here's the first of the eight responses I decided to post... the one sent by StarSoldier.

"Hey, SS here. I know it's been a while, but I've been busy with high school crap and all. Gee, it seems that either not a lot of people are creative or they are lazy to fill out a question."

Yup... thank goodness the situation seems to be improving somewhat recently.

"I would use Alucard (that hottie!) from CastleVania: Symphony of the Night. Yes, I know it's an action/RPG, but it still counts. After all, you people consider Zelda to count.

Anywayz, he'd star in another CV game (duh, where else would Alucard show up? Final Fantasy?)."

Hey, why not? I can see it now...

*scene fades into daydream sequence*

Eat this, Ultros! Fire3!

Yeouch! Seafood soup!

Hey, who the heck is THAT?

Alucard: I am Alucard, vampire extraordinaire.

A vampire? In broad daylight?

Alucard: Broad daylight?!? *catches fire and runs around in circles comically*

*daydream sequence fades*

Hee hee hee... now he's REALLY a hottie... errr, ahem. Do continue.

"Our favorite dashing dhampir will have awakened again when his father, the dastardly Dracula, has risen from yet another 100 year sleep. At the time, the present Belmont is only a kid of 16 and has yet to learn. Alucard could accompany him through CastleVania and teach him the ropes (and the whips, while he's at it). Maybe Alucard could score with the Belmont's older sister while he's at it..."

What a disturbing thought! ...about him teaching the kid, I mean. Nothing wrong with the scoring part. Ummm, okay... next respondee... Megaman984.

"I have the perfect idea for an RPG! It'll be a heart wrenching story about everyone's favorite Cuban, Elian Gonzalez! I can imagine it now:
You start off being rescued by a fisherman, Reno yelling at your relatives, cops bust... what do you mean it has to be about an already existing RPG character? Awwww, crap! I wanted to mooch off of him just like his Miami relatives. Fine, here's a new RPG.

You play as Albert. You journey across the land trying to free the world from Queen Alorna. Along the way you learn Karma Blade, make friends, and create enemies. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And if you don't believe me that he is a real RPG character, then play Albert Odyssey: The Legend of Eldean. You never actually see Albert, but everyone talks about him."

If that's the best alternative you have, I'd still go for the Elian story. I mean, you got your standard traumatised youth which always seems to do well in RPGs nowadays, the second-best baddie you could ask for, Janet Reno, and you get to beat the crap out of cops! Can you say instant megahit?

"For your next question, it should be, "If you had to pick a character from any existing non-RPG video game to star in a new RPG, who would you choose and what would be the general storyline of this new RPG?"."

Not a bad idea at all, saves me the trouble of having to think up another question... or at least postpone that trouble until next time.

"I saw SpoonyBard's converted Laguna sprite, so I decided to make one myself. I hope you like it. It is Cloud converted into a Final Fantasy 6 sprite."

Hey, good one.

No it's not! That doesn't look anything like me!

Yes it does, Cloud... you're just too confused to realise it. Speaking of which... where are the men in white coa... I mean fur?

Kupo! You called?

Yeah. Get this nutcase back to his cell.

No! I've been cured! Cured I'm telling y...

Raaargh! *smacks Cloud upside the head*

Owwww!! That was... I mean, I... ummm... where am I?

Don't worry, Cloud... everything's gonna be just fine. Take him away, boys.

*put a straitjacket on Cloud and carry him off*

Alrighty... next! Take it away, Bacon Slicer.

"Let's see... I think it'd have to be Sabin. He's a good fighter, he's got those button-combos that are all the rage these days, (you don't believe me? Go play Soul Calibur.) and best of all, he's wacky! He hops around on the screen, he's got some great lines, ("Uhh...why's everybody singing?") and... oh, wait.



Uh, uh, okay, uh, well, then I'd choose...uh...Barret! Yeah! I don't know what it is about him, but he's just inordinately cool. It's not hard to imagine the trouble they went through to keep him from beginning a sentence with, "I pity da foo' who..."


I think the plot of this new RPG, entitled, "Barret's Quest: I ain't no foo'!" would be where Barret goes on a journey of self-discovery. He meets new friends who gradually erode his callous exterior, and eventually he confronts his unhappy past and emerges a new man... hang on...


Dang again.

Actually, knowing Barret, it'd probably be an RPG where he gets to blow lots of stuff up. I'm thinking a sort of James Bond/Matrix mixture, with a magic system and experience levels to make it seem as if it's still fits in the fantasy genre. But there'd be plot and character development. Oh yes. Really, there would."

No doubt. But you know, in an RPG all about Barret, I don't think we'd need any of that. Barret's jibba-jabba would be enough to keep me playing. The plot could just be something like: "Some foo messed up my van! I pity da foo who messes up my van! He gonna pay!" As for character development... Barret would expand his knowledge of vocabulary during the course of the game, adding the occasional "sucka" to the mix. Oh yeah, this sounds sweet, alright.

"Oh, and here's a FF6 style picture of Barret. I can't claim rights to it, the original creator was B-Man, at BMan_@excite.com. But I think it looks cool."

That's also a good one, 'cept for the gun-arm that is. Looks more like he's wearing a boxing glove. Well, now we also have Cloud and Barret FF6 style... who's next? Hmmm, this is interesting... this next respondee is apparently called: "God save the queen cause nobody will". That's a fascinating name! Where ya from, Mongolia? Ah well, let's see what he has to say...

"I'd take whoever the guy from Crystalis is, because I loved paralyzing entire towns then attempting to poke them with me sword. There was also that
dolphin... oh well I shouldn't ramble, or should I?"

Hey, either you ramble or I do, makes no difference to me.

".....Oh yeah, a plot. Why not include Nixon in this? Well, it seems Nixon was plotting, but he screwed up. He was amassing an army of Stickmen (I suppose since they can walk they're 3D, so that makes them Rodmen....) drawn by some kid named Jason, age 8. So throughout this game while your not paralyzing/beating up the townspeople you're fighting these crappy drawings. As you gain levels the kid also gets better at drawing. Until about 3\4ths into the game, when the kid gets fired and a two year old with a box of crayons replaces him. Hmm, maybe we should cut out the drawings and just make the game about beating up the townspeople....."

Nah, I kinda like the idea about fighting Rodmen. Haven't seen a game yet in which you get to beat up on basketball players with a freaky fashion sense. Okay, moving on to someone who seems to wish to be known as the TLMuk.

"Hi this is the TLMuk and would choose Shadow from Final Fantasy 6 and make him star in Chrono Trigger. Image a team of three characters who never talk.

Shadow: .......

Magus: ......

Crono: ......

And it would go on like this forever. If they ever talk in the 65,000,000 B.C. they would spend so much time trying to start a conversion that by the time they ever say anything, it would be year 1999 (remember, RPG characters don't age or die unless the story says so) and finally argue to get a beer with Lavos, because he doesn't talk either.

Magus: .....Hate you, Lavos.

Crono: ......

Magus: .....Oh who cares now anyways, let's get drunk.
Shadow: ......(Shadow's music can be heard in the background)

Lavos: ......."

......yes, well... very interesing. However, this is more like a crossover than old RPG characters starring in a new RPG. But then, what do I care? People have been breaking the rules I set for the mailbag in just about every edition.

"Now that is a weird game with Shadow in it. Or at least stick Ultros in Pokémon so he can get beat up by Gogo's Ditto.

Ultros: I hate this, rip up the contract Macc.

Gogo: I hate this, rip up the contract Macc.

Ultros: Don't tease the octopus kiddies.

Gogo: Don't tease the octopus kiddies.

Ash: What's going on?

Ultros: Shut up. *rips Ash's head off with a tentacle*

Gogo: Shut up. *rips Ash's head off with a tentacle*

Ultros: Screw this I'm going home.*leaves*

Gogo: Screw this I'm going home.*leaves*

Now is that messed up or what."

It sure is. I mean, not only did you break the "new RPG" rule, you also broke the "one RPG" rule. Oh well, at least you didn't go quite as far in it as Dr. Nick did, but we'll deal with that later... why don't you say something first, Khazad?

"There are so many great characters that i could recall- Cain from FF4, he just looks too cool- Magus from Chrono Trigger, a mage with an attitude, gotta love it- Dias Flac from Star Ocean: The Second Story, so cynical and literal. I guess I would have to chose Magus. The story would be that Magus, after helping Crono and crew save the world, he would betray them goodie goodie's and attempt to seize control of the world himself. The plot of the game would be to steal the Epoch, kill Crono and troup and conquer the world in every time era. I just love it, complete control of the world for the rest of time. Come on, you gotta love that ending!!!!"

EVERY time era? Well, that'd take him QUITE a while. Not that that wouldn't be a good thing of course... I've been looking forward to an RPG which takes over a year to complete. But you know that he'd fail in the end... in the far future, he'd end up against Armor Nixon and gets his ass kicked. No one can withstand the might of Nixon's head, no one!! ...ahem. Well, so much for cartoons not having an effect on the way you think. Okay, the next thoughts come from a guy named Sand.

"What better character to star in a new RPG then the one who started it all...

I would imagine an RPG where the story revolves around a lowly unimportant knight, who is a related to a grand family of lowly unimportant knights, who is sent on a grand and suicidal journey to save the world from predictable evil villain by a miscellaneous backwater king...

Hey why play with a winning formula???"

Well, because it would be... oh I dunno... boring? We need a new concept, like... like...

Like someone accidentally creating an evil twin of himself, and setting out to defeat him?

Dammit Dark Macc, get the hell out of my mailbag! I thought we agreed to settle this later!

Yes, we did. But in case you haven't been paying attention, I'm evil. Agreements mean nothing to me.

*sigh* Well, alright then... what do you want this time?

Nothing much. Just thought I'd come over and ruin your stupid mailbag.

Hey, I'm quite capable of ruining my own mailbag, thank you very much! Uh... I mean...

Hey, good point! Alright, I'll see you later then. *disappears*

Huh??? Well, that was easy... not to mention pointless. Oh well, let's go to the last one... by Dr. Nick.

"Because I'm special I get to do four RPGs with previous characters."

*reappears* If this were MY mailbag, I'd have said: "Because you're so special, you get to do NO RPGs", and leave it at that.

Well, that's very impolite... although I do agree that people shouldn't be constantly breaking the rules I lay down, I'll let it slide just this once.

...Ya big softie. *disappears*

Always need to have the last word in, don't you... oh well, anyway... go ahead, Dr. Nick.

"RPG 1: This RPG will feature the ultimate evil. A worse bad guy then ever before. Who will fight this bad guy? A dream teem of the best Final Fantasy heroes ever. You start out as Edward from FF4. Along the way you meet other characters that join you such as Gau and Relm from FF6, and Cait Sith from FF7! This will be one heck of a battle!"

Yes, I can see it now... in the final battle, Edward hides, Relm tries to Sketch and fails, and Gau tries to Leap onto the bad guy's back, only to get knocked off by some of Cait Sith's giant dice. After that, the bad guy does the world a favor with an ultimate attack which destroys them all. Then he'd enter the presidential elections and gets an overwhelming win. The name of this ultimate bad guy? Why, Nixon, of course.

"RPG 2: For my second RPG I will take Edgar from FF6 and put him in one of those dating sims that never seem to get translated to English. You will laugh when he gets slapped for saying something stupid: "Ha ha ha. That's our Edgar". You will cheer when he makes it to third base. You will cry when he gets dumped. It's going to be a bumpy ride, Edgar."

You know, there's a reason why those games never get translated... Knowing those games, he'd most likely end up scoring with Ultros in drag. Ewww.

"RPG 3: Crono's Quest. Crono has a problem. He can't talk. That's why Crono is starring in an all new RPG! In this RPG, Crono must search through all of time for his tongue. Along the way, other characters will join him, such as: Vhan from Legend of Gaia, the hero from Suikoden 1, and Umaro from FF6. The game features great game play but a crappy plot as none of the characters talk except for Umaro, but all he does is go "Uggggghhh" (unless he's leading the party. That's a FF6 in-joke)."

Well, that's an easy quest... all he needs is to get a Fiend's Tongue. You did know that a severed Fiend's Tongue can grant speech if placed within a mute person's mouth, didn't you? If not, you have obviously not played Planescape: Torment. Anyway, I can just imagine Crono's first words now...

*scene fades into another daydream sequence*


*daydream ends abruptly*

Whoops! I forgot about that little detail... the Fiend's Tongue has a mind of its own. Heh heh... would be pretty amusing though, Crono would be going from a person unable to utter anything at all to a person unable to utter anything but threats.

"RPG 4: Ultros' escape. You play as Ultros as you try to somehow get out of Macc's contract. This is one of the hardest RPGs of all time. You will go up against feats that no octopus should have to face. The final boss is Macc himself, but you can't beat him. You have to hold down the L and R buttons to get away. Good luck Uncle Ulty!"

Heh, I like the sound of that one.

Well, I don't! With that part in my contract about me not being able to harm you, it's no surprise I wouldn't be able to beat you.

Okay, then let me do you a favor for once, Ultros...

What? Are you erasing that part from the contract?

Yeah, right... no, I just wanted to let you know I have someone else under contract now... I believe you know him...

Ummm... hi, Ultros.

YOU?! You got me into this mess! Why I aughtta...

Cut it out, Ultros. He's in the same boat as you are right now, isn't that revenge enough?

No! Come on, let me kill him... just once!

Ha! You could never hit me, I'm the fastest runner in all of Final Fantasy!

Yeah right, I can run much faster than you can... and I don't even have any legs!

Well, guys... only one way to settle this. It's a race! On your marks, get set... *Ultros and Gilgamesh start running* ...well, I guess it was predictable that they'd both cheat...