RPG Classics Mailbag #22

Okay, time for another mailbag. The question: "If you were the producer of Big Brother, and you could put five RPG characters in the house, who would you choose, and what would the results?" The number of responses: 8. The number of people following the rules I outlined: 0. No surprises there... rules are meant to be broken after all. Anyway, I got exactly the amount of responses I usually post, so I guess I'll be posting all of them... even if some of them seem rather... unfinished. Like this first one, by Dratini VIII, for instance...

"Gee, I guess I would have Squall and Locke in there.

Locke: Yeah, and put us with the three finest RPG chicks around. Start with Tifa.
Squall: Hey, don't forget Rinoa. We need her.
Locke: All right! We got us some chicks! Now what I want is a pet chocobo!
Squall: As long it's not from FF8 it's OK with me."

No, that's it, nothing else. Like I said, seems rather unfinished, doesn't it? I've got another one much like it... from Faris Satzenine. I like the way it was entitled though: Oh Brother.

"If I could put 5 Final Fantasy characters in Big Brother I would like to see Zemus, Ex-Death, Kefka, Sephiroth, and Ultimecia. 5 last bosses in a house. Why? Well I'm not quite sure why, but to see an alien, a tree, a psychopath, an artificially infused god, and a sorceress live together in a house to talk about how close they were in global conquest, annihilation, compression, etc... or what drove them all to insanity. By doing this I think we would think twice before we pound them at the end of each game. Bad guys deserve respect too and I think Dark Macc would agree with me as well."

Yeah, but who cares about what Dark Macc thinks?

I do!

Shut up, Exdeath.

Ummm... no!

*sigh* Fine then, don't shut up.

You can't tell me what to do! If I want to shut up, I'll shut up! So there!

Okay, have it your way then...

That's right, I will! Uh, I mean: "..."

... Alrighty then. In any case, it would have interesting if you had provided exactly how this meeting of bad guys would have proceeded. But since you didn't, I guess we'll all have to leave this up to our imagination. ...or maybe not. After all, if we replace Ultimecia (who wasn't very interesting to begin with if you ask me) with Lavos, we've got StarSoldier's response. Wait a minute, Lavos? That must be one BIG Brother house...

"Hey, Dark Macc, if you intercept this, can I join the GEF? I'm a very good assassin."

The GEF? You mean the George Eliot Fanclub? I didn't know Dark Macc was behind that! His evil sure works in mysterious ways...

"Anyway, onto my Mailbag answer.

Today, they've decided to lock 5 all-time villains in a padded cell, and fool them into thinking that they were on TV for scientific research. They are:

Zeromus from FF4
ExDeath from FF5
Kefka from FF6
Sephiroth from FF7
Lavos from CT

Now, let's look at the room.

Kefka: Oh, goody, cameras! Now I can broadcast my insanity to the world!
Sephiroth: Shut up, clown; no one has any respect for you.
Kefka: At least I'm not a generic villain like you!
Lavos: ...
ExDeath: What show is this anyway?
Zeromus: I believe it's Big Brother.
Sephiroth: I thought it was Survivor.
Kefka: HELLLOOOO out there! This is the Kefka Hour!
ExDeath: *smacks Kefka* Quiet, you walking loony bin.
Kefka: How dare you touch a god?
Sephiroth: OK, from one god to another then. *hits in with the flat side of his Masamune*
Lavos: ...
Kefka: ARGH! *changes into Winged Form and casts Goner*
Zeromus: Oh, yeah? *casts Big Bang*
Lavos: ...
ExDeath: I guess it's Survivor now. *starts to fight*

Lab Assistant: *sigh* There goes the experiment.

*Police runs in and kill all except Lavos since he didn't do anything*"

Say what now? The POLICE kill them all? Gee, I wonder why the RPG heroes never thought about that. "Hey, this saving the world thing stinks, let's just call the cops, they'll take care of them. I mean look at them, they have... err... nightsticks, and err... guns, and stuff... and, oh, the handcuffs of course! Those evil supervillains who could easily destroy the world ten times over with all the magic power they have don't stand a chance!" Oh and by the way, I was being sarcastic. Speaking of which, let's see what Sephiroth Katana has planned for this event...

"Regarding the "Survivor/Big Brother idea":

Who else to put on the island than the most expendable, most annoying RPG characters ever? This includes Chu-Chu from Xenogears, Selphie from FF8, Terranigma's MeiLin, Qlon from Suikoden (that guy's portrait makes him look stoned), and Pokey from Earthbound."

But, but... this was Big Brother, not Surv... ah, what do I care anyway. Whatever makes it interesting.

"In this scenario, though, I will jump onto a speedboat and get the hell out of there. After a month or so, when food gets scarce, I can imagine they'd hunt
Chu-Chu for food, then when that source of nourishment ran out, Pokey (he's so damn fat). Then they'd smoke all of Qlon's stash (whatever makes him repeat the same thing over and over and look that way). Then they'd hunt the film crew, and finally, when they were completely out of all possible sources of nourishment, I would press a button from my home that would detonate the C4 charges I had already placed on the island and sink it. This would conclude the idiotic crap show that is Survivor, since the film crew died and the island sank to the bottom. The end."

Well that certainly would make it more interesting. I mean, on the real Survivor show it's obvious they were all eating pizza and smoking crack when the camera's weren't on... at least this way, there'd be an actual "survivor" element involved. Of course, no one would survive, but then again, no one would care. They could just use the show to get rid of convicted felons who would've gotten the death penalty anyway, or something. Errr... right, digressing... time for the next one. This one has no name listed, so I'm going by the e-mail address, which says Danman5311.

"The show would start off with this group of 5: Cloud Strife, Squall Leonheart, Aeris Gainsborough, Rinoa Heartilly, and Shadow. The first week's challenge would be who can go the longest without talking. Let's begin!

Squall-"Good, we can talk now!"
Rinoa-:::shakes head:::
Squall-"What do you mean?!"
Announcer-"Squall, you're the first person to get kicked out of the house!"
Rinoa-"HA HA HA!"
Squall-"That's not funny Rinoa!!!!! Might as well leave anyway, you're no fun anymore!"
Cloud-"Sucks to be you doesn't Squall?"
Squall-"Whatever...I'm outta here!"

First week's result: Squall Leonheart is kicked out. Second week's challenge, who can say the most about their final battle experience. Let's begin!

Cloud-"So, there I was! I had Sephiroth cornered! I had the best summon spell, Knights of the Round, and was about to use it when-"
Shadow-"Knights of the Round? Sephiroth? What the hell? What ever happened to Crusader being the best summon spell?"
Rinoa-"Crusader?! You mean Eden don't you?"
Cloud-"Aeris, what's wrong?"
Aeris-"What? Have you forgotten? SquareSoft was too cheap to revive my character later on in the game! I never got to battle Sephiroth!"
Cloud-"Yeah, but...ummm...if SquareSoft felt it would be THAT expensive to revive you...well...they...must be pretty cheap!"
Aeris-"Thanks for the pity."
Rinoa-"Let me tell you what happened to..."
Shadow-"To who?"
Cloud-"What, you can't remember your most memorable fight?!"
Rinoa-"...No, that's not it...it's just that..."
Aeris-"Spit it out!!!!"
Rinoa-"The GFs did it to me!!!"
Aeris-"What do mean 'GFs'?"
Announcer-"Rinoa, you're gone!"

Rinoa runs out of the house crying because she can't remember a thing. After 2 weeks Squall and Rinoa are gone. Week 3's challenge is kinda different, who can drink the most alcohol in one week.

Aeris-"Now that IS different!"
Cloud-"Well, I'm not wastin' any time"
Cloud and Shadow begin drinking. Aeris sits at the table watching them drink. After 3 days Aeris starts drinking.
Aeris-"Mmmmm...this is...HIC...great stuff!"
On her second bottle Aeris passes out. Cloud passes out next. The week ends and Shadow is still drinking.
Announcer-"Well audience, who will get kicked out?"
The audience discusses what transpired that week.
Crono-"Mr. Announcer, sir, my fellow RPG characters and I have come to the following decision."
Announcer-"Which is?"
Crono-"Due to extreme sympathy for Aeris and Cloud's conditions we feel it's our duty to give sympathy votes for them to leave the house. Hopefully they can recover from their hangovers."
Announcer-"OK, Shadow, you win the 1 Million Gil price! How do you feel?"
Shadow-"I feel...ah...I feel...ah...I feEL...URK!"
Announcer-"Well, there you have it! The results of The RPG Big Brother contest! Shadow will take home the grand prize!"

After only three weeks, the show ends due to the extreme nature of the past challenge. Squall, Rinoa, Aeris, and Cloud tried hard but couldn't make it!
Congratulations Shadow!"

Well, that one actually got close to actually following the rules, didn't it? But don't worry... the last three people weren't supposed to have another challenge, so that means- hey wait a minute! Crono, what did you say just now?


No no, before that.


Hmmm... I thought for sure you... aw, skip it. Next up for a response is Rirse.

"Hi Macc, this is Rirse(formerly TLMuk) and I have also wanted to do the battle arena, but missed out. But this is the next best thing and I going to do a all villain theme Big Brother. I will start the story at the next paragraph (it follows your corny paragraph of beating Ultros to a pulp)."

Huh? I wasn't planning such a paragraph at all, what are you talking about?

Yeah, I always fall down trap doors or get a weight on my head or something, remember?

That's right, I'd never actually beat Ultros to a pulp.

No sirree, you'd never do anything like that.

........ *stares at Ultros*

........ *stares at Macc*

*beats Ultros to a pulp*

"Announcer: Welcome to Big Brother, where we will make five RPG characters live in a house until one is left and that person wins a million gil. But they can't leave their house and are being filmed 24 hours a day. So let's meet our house guest. Take it away Rirse."

Rirse: Okay Announcer. Our first guest is the dreaded general for the Empire from Final Fantasy 6(did they have a name?), Kefka. Our next house guest is founder of the St. Evn church(from Breath of Fire 2), Habaruku. After him is evil prince of Highland Army(from Suikoden 2), Prince Luca Blight. After the mad prince is the mad creator of the mechanical army of Smithy(from Mario RPG), Smithy. And after him is the most vile villain to walk the Earth, Pikachu.*crowd starts to get scared* Let us begin.

Week 1: is started with the villains all getting into a fight. Here's how it started.

Luca: I don't have to work with those dogs. I should be killing more townspeople for their blood.
Kefka: Wuahahahahahaha. Listening to the sound of people dying is sweet. Wuahahahahahahaaah.
Luca: I agree, but I don't like your laugh. Do it again and I cut your head off.
Habaruku: Stop fighting you non believers. Do you want St. Evn to kill you where you stand?
Smithy: Shut up Habaruku. You're just a old fool who wants to bring a fake God into this world. While I just wanted to get rid of everything and make a world full of... weapons.
Kefka: Wuahahahahahaha. You both suck. Wuahahahahahhahah.
Pikachu: Pika Pika Pikachu. *I can pull a better plan out of my ass.*
Luca: I'm going to cut your head off and drink your blood Pikachu.
Pikachu: Pika Pika chu.*I'd like to see you try.*
Luca: Gladly.*they all get into a fight*

Rirse: Later on that night the villains finally get tired of fighting and stop to eat dinner.

Kefka: Wuahahahahaha. I got the last hot pocket.
Luca: I will kill for a hot pocket.
Habaruku: Let us pray to St. Evn before we eat.
Smithy: Cram it Habaruku. I'm not praying to some fake God.
Habaruku: Grrhhhh. You will die for that.
Pikachu: Pika Pika Pikachu Chu?*Don't you guys ever stop fighting?*
Kefka: Wuahahahahhaah. Yea, but that's when I kill someone.*this goes on for days*

Rirse: Finally the week ends and they pick who to vote off. There was one vote for Habaruku(from Smithy), one for Smithy(from Pikachu), and three for Pikachu. But instead of leaving the house after getting voted off, the person who does gets to fight an all star team of heroes composing of Cecil, Terra, Cloud, Ryu, Bowser, Squall and Cidolfas. They all fight Pikachu until he is dead.

Pikachu: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! *dies*"

Wow, Pikachu goes "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" when he dies? So the only time he ever says anything but his name is when you kill him, eh? I'm gonna have to try that out... And what's this about Bowser being a hero? ...oh well, I guess he is compared to the likes of Pikachu.

"Week 2:

Rirse: This week starts out good, with the villains finally getting along and working on building better weapons of mass destruction(Smithy's idea), but when it became time for the assignment, they always get into a fight over who does what.

Luca: Why does a prince have to do this crap?
Kefka: Because you can't hold a candle to me. Wuahahahahahaha.
Habaruku: I pray to St. Evn that this chore will be over soon.
Kefka: Still praying to that demon, Habaruku?
Habaruku: You are a fool to question the judgement of St. Evn.
Smithy: Just shut up and do this assignment so we can built that weapon out of used car and vcr parts.
Luca: Okay, but I still think I shouldn't have to do this.

Rirse: It goes on like this for weeks, until it was voting time. And the votes were one for Habaruku(Smithy), one for Kefka(Luca) and two for Luca Blight for being whiny.

Luca: Time to get out of this crappy house.*but he is suddenly attacked and killed by the heros*

Week 3:

Rirse: This week goes on rather quickly for this is the last week for the group of three. But at the end of the week, the audience decided on who to win.

Audience: We decided that Kefka should win, for he always had a good spirit and always seemed to kick Smithy and Habaruku's ass."

Whoa, single minded audience you got there. Who are they, the Borg?

"Kefka: It was easy with two old people as enemies. Why weren't Ex-Death and Ultros in this?

Rirse: As Habaruku and Smithy were getting killed, Kefka was awarded the million gils.

Kefka: Now I can buy that new black materia that was at the pawn shop lately. Wuahahahahahahahahahaha.

Announcer: That is all for RPG Big Brother."

These all-villain Big Brothers are pretty popular, it seems. That was the last one of those though... now we go on to Lunaris' entry. For the fans of Lunaris' trademark typo-ridden speech, I only corrected the typos for the RPG characters; I wouldn't dare tamper with those spoken by the master himself. Ready or not, here we go!

"Hey Macc! Lunaris here. I finnaly sent a response... frist time, I usualy forget to type one befor... but this not gonna happen this week(month,whatever)! ANY-WAY, I don't know how much that Big Brother thingy work, but I saw some shows of it. Soooo....let get on whit it!

Who have voulteered to go in the BigMog House(What? We gotta stay on the RPG Topic no?...Arg, oh well.) is Crono, Mario, Julian(Romancing
SaGa 3, for thoses of you who dont know.), Zell and Squall....

And me, Lunaris Crisilian, as the presentator. Let got check how they react in the frist day in the BMH!

Squall: .....I can't believe they pushed me in this place....
Zell: *busy checking in the food storage for Hot Dogs*
Crono: ....
Mario: ....
Crono: ...!?......?
Mario: ..........!.......?......!
Crono: ......!!!!....!!?!
Julian: What the...? What they babbling about?
Squall: Like I know....(Who is that guy anyway?)
Julian: Sheesh... my dad told me that something like this would happen... he said that...
Squall: Shut up, will you? I'm trying to think.
Julian: *doesn't listen to Squall and goes into a rant speaking about what his dad said, then about what his family said...*
Squall: (That guy talks too much...)

*at this time, Zell rushes in*

Squall: You ate about 58 hot dogs back at Balamb Garden, and that was just a half-day ago. And you wanna eat more?!
Zell: It was 78! I was so close to the record!
Julian: *is still ranting to himself*

*meanwhile, the "conversation" between Mario and Crono is getting heavier. How do I know that? Mario is lifting a chair at Crono's head, that's how. Anyway, let's translate what Mario said*


*the camera cut as Mario goes ballistic on Crono, Julian still ranting, Squall doing nothing to stop the fight... and Zell trying to separate them, but getting bashed by the chair a couple of times*

Lunaris: Errr..AHEM....Let move on towmorrow for the frist task.(Boy, this better not turn out like that foo' Jerrgy Springer show...even if I never saw
that thing befor.)

The Next Day.

Lunaris: ....It was sure a fast day. Anyway, let go check what they doing. Well..you will guess what they trying to do....Oh heck, I'm telling this: Zell
without Hot dogs =....*the camera cut off as he was about to say that*

*Squall and Julian are holding a closed door. The door is being banged on!*

Julian: *yells at Crono* Heeey! We can't hold him much longer!
Squall: *yells at the camera* That was smart of you, not getting any hot dogs in here! *a very loud scream can be heard from the room while Zell doubles the effort against the door* ...Uh oh.

*the door breaks open, sending Squall and Julian on the ground and they get stomped by a berserked Zell, glancing blood-shot eyes around the room and
rushing to the exit, pushing Mario into the wall on the way*

Lunaris: Heeey! He getting away!

*Zell bashes the door of the house away with a kick*

Lunaris: That it! Send security! *takes out a cell phone, dials a few numbers and wait*.....WHAT?! You cant come?! Do you know what you leave me
you (&$"?
Thomas: Hey! Don't call us that!
Harid: Yeah! We only agreed to do this since Julian was in that thing!
Thomas: Really? I thought it was for money!
Harid: Oh, that too.
Thomas: Gee... a mercenary forgetting about money....
Harid: Hey! I didn't forget about it!
Thomas: Oh yeah? Prove it!
Lunaris:*sighs and calls another time*....Looks like I'm stuck whit that...

*back at Zell, he had made his way thru the concrete/metal wall (don't try this at home kids!) and has been demolishing everything in his path to the local fast food store*

Girl Always Smiling Annoyingly: Hi! May I take your order?
Zell: ARRRRRRRG! *jumps over the counter and rushes to the kitchen*
From the kitchen: Wha? ....Woah!! Who the hell are you? ...Hey! ...What are you.... Huh? 93 hot dogs?! Are you crazy?! ......Stay away from me! ...GET LOST! AWAY! .....WAAA!!! ...Alright alright! I'll do it!

*Back at Lunaris*

Lunaris: .....Well....Looks like that it end of the BigMog house...
Thomas: Admit it already, you .
Harid: Well, at least I didn't get beaten by a Goblin!
Thomas: Hah! And you couldn't even beat a Forced Fly!
Hahn: Yeah! And then I dealt the Forced Fly a hard blow!
Everyone: SHUT UP!
Hahn: ...You're all just jealous...


*Mario has gone back to Mushroom Kingdom. He brought Crono with him to show him how good spaghetti is!*

Mario: ....!%"!
Crono: ...!?!*!
Luigi: Mama mia..... This will never end....

*Squall had hunted down Zell, armed with sedated hot dogs, he followed the path of destruction that Zell left*

"Chief" guy: That's the 89th hot dog....... (I'm ruined...)
Zell: Alright! Two more and I beat the record!

*Squall sneaks in and places the sedated hot dogs at the top. Zell doesn't notice... he takes it, takes a good bite.. and nods off to sleep after a few seconds*

*Julian has gone back to Sinnon, and he won the "money prize"*

Julian: Give me the money already!
Lunaris: What?! You dint even lasted 4 days!
Julian: 2 days was enough! Gimme my money!
Lunaris: ....Er....Okay...Hmm....ahh.....Well......LOOK! A THREE HEADED...uh.....LOBSTER MAN BEHIND YOU!
Julian: Guh?*turns about*
Lunaris: Was too easy!*run away*
Julian: ...there's nothing there...*turns* ...Argh! I got caught again!

And so ends another story.... And Lunaris never paid that money prize. :)"

Hey, you can't do that! Look, I let you keep your trademark typos, now you let me keep my trademark of not paying people for their hard work! *snatches the money from Lunaris* There, that's better. What, confused? Don't worry, it all makes perfect sense... trust me! Just sit over there a while and think it over, you'll figure it out. *ahem* Okay, I better get this last response over with quickly before he DOES figure it out... aw man! The last one's by Merlin, and it's longer than any of the others! *sigh* Oh well, get on with it then...

"Hmmm, I hope this mailbag entry is liked, I spent valuable time making it! Enjoy it! Now!! KNEEL YOU KNAVES!!! Err, sorry about that, some of this was written when I was sleep deprived. Anywho on with the show. I decided to use my Authorship Veto Powers and make it be six characters instead of five, what are you going to do, drop something on me?"


"...Don’t answer that. I said don’t! Err, well, before I collapse fully, I’m going to put this in the "FF6 Universe" so there is some consistency."

You're breaking the rules (like everybody else actually) and yet you do want consistency? Well I don't know if I can let you have that. Why not you ask? Simple, it's all because of the... errr... Well okay, just this once, you can have your consistency. You'd better be grateful!

"Here are my brave pawns, unwittingly dancing to my Machiavellian machinations... err, wow one can write strange stuff at 3 o’clock."

You're telling me. I'm actually writing this at... *looks at clock* 4.45 AM. And you've all seen the strange stuff I've written so far.

"Uh, here:

Locke Cole
Celes Chere
Setzer Gabbiani
Terra Brandford
Edgar Figaro
The inestimable Kefka.

*Note to reader: At this point Merlin stops and picks it up at a different night*"

Note to reader: At this point Macc stops, period. Nah, just kidding.

"Heh, this is becoming more of a journal then a mailbag. Anywho, my entry may not be quite so funny unless you've seen one of those shows. During the course of everyday action, there are scenes where the participants are being interviewed alone, and they usually say what I find very humorous things, think valley girl type speech. Anyways, I wasted enough of your time...

Our five heroes and one villain are plunked into the middle of their new prison, err home. Complete with bedrooms, bathrooms, rec areas, and other places I'm too lazy to describe they soon come to relish and love their settings.

Kefka: This place reeks, I'm cranky, and Locke give me back my wallet!
Locke: Err heh heh sorry, I didn't think you'd notice so I...*trails off*
Kefka: Gimme that! Anyway that straw must've been pretty short that I drew to get stuck here with all you lowlifes.
Setzer: Yeah really it probably was ver...Hey!
Kefka: Uwee hee hee!
Edgar: *drifting towards bedrooms* So, ummm, speaking of laughing... I call top bunk!! *scampers off*
Locke: I don't see what that has to do with l... Oh man! *runs after him*

*solo interview with Locke*

I mean, I can't believe Edgar took the top bunk. Everyone knows how much I wanted it! And he... he just ran and took it! The nerve! *gazes into the distance*

*back to live action*

Setzer *in bedroom area*: Heh, even though our wise and glorious Master ordained for 6 of us to be here, it seems like our even Greater Deity's wishes still remain in that there are only 5 beds.
Terra: Well uh, what should we do?
Setzer: Beats me, I was hoping our most gracious and forgiving Gods from up on h...
Celes: Oh put a sock in it you gutless puke of a gambler.

*solo interview with Setzer*

Well, I can tell Celes likes me. Did you hear her flattery? Gutless puke? No one has ever been that nice to me. *eyes grow whistful* Man, I think I could really get a good relationship started with her... yup.

*back to live action*

Kefka: Well Terra... we could always... share a bed *nudges her*
*Terra turns into her elemental mode and zaps him*
Kefka: Ow! Well, that kitten sure has claws heh heh...

*it turns out that everyone but Kefka gets a bed, who has to sleep on the couch*

The next day our 6 minions are given a task. They are to stack as many Oreos on top of each other as they can in 30 seconds without their stack falling. Whoever gets the most will get "immunity" during the voting round, in other words that round no one can vote for them. During the event, Kefka manages to stack the most, the others of course suspect treachery.

Locke: Kefka won! No fair! How the h...

Kefka: It must've been my keen gamemanship! Yeah, hehe *kicks the "Oreo-Stack-O-Matic" under the sofa*
Celes: D'oh! *throws away her vote with Kefka already scribbled on it*
Locke: Nuts! *throws away his vote with Kefka already scribbled on it*
Terra: Darn! *throws away her vote with Kefka already scribbled on it*
Setzer: Arrgh! *throws away his vote with Kefka already scribbled on it*
Edgar: Nuts...I mean Aww! *throws away his vote with Kefka already scribbled on it*

Now the characters vote. Locke votes for Edgar and Edgar votes Locke, because of the whole "bunk fiasco." Terra also votes for Edgar. But, both Celes and Setzer vote for Terra, and Kefka with the deciding vote seals Terra's fate.

Terra: I... I don’t believe it.
Celes: Sorry Terra, but you shoulda shared your hair accessories with me.
Terra: But...but...

*suddenly a SWAT team bursts in through every door and window, they seize Terra and prepare to bring her out in a duffel bag*

Setzer: Is that really necessary?!
SWAT Leader: Ummmm...yes.

*they exit with Terra*

*a week passes, they are all watching TV*

Edgar *has the remote*: What do you all want to watch?
Celes: Let's see... a horror flick?
Locke: A comedy!
Setzer: How about Days of Our Lives?

*all the other characters get that shocked look you always see in RPGs*

Kefka: A...a soap opera!?
Edgar: What the...

*they all start to laugh as Setzer turns crimson*

Setzer: I... but I thought... you can't think that I... *falls silent*

*solo interview with Setzer*

I... I can't believe they all laughed at me. Don't they want to find out what happened to Cindy? What if she's still trapped in that crumbling house? And does no one wish to find out whether or not Fran and Jesse will get together!! These people have no class...

*back to real time, later on though, at dinner*

Celes *reading task card for this week*: Lessee, who can eat the most chocolate eclairs? Bleh, I'd rather watch you boys stuff yourselves with cake and creamy filling, count me out.

The other 4 proceed to cram their mouths with food. Kefka jumps to an early lead, but is soon matched evenly by Edgar and Locke, Setzer collapsing, his mouth smeared with chocolate frosting. Eventually, through much guile, wit, and sheer slobbishness, Locke succeeds, now looking twice his size. Locke now gains immunity for this round.

Locke: Success is mine!! *the FF victory music starts to play and he tries to raise his arms, but fails! The music awkwardly ends of its own accord*
*ominous announcer voice*: It is now time to kick out one of your comrades! This time it shall actually be not one, but two who get voted out in two successive rounds!! Mwahahaha!
Edgar: Who are you??
Voice: That is quite simple. The voice you are hearing is obviously...

*the sound of someone scuttling away, jumping into a cab and driving off can be heard*

*"?" appears over everyone's head*

Well, now they all spin the chambers again and fire off another couple comrades. In the first round Edgar is trounced out with both Locke Celes and Setzer voting for him. After this the four remainders (Locke, Celes, Kefka, and Setzer for those of you with ADD) vote again. Locke votes for Kefka. Celes votes for Setzer. Kefka and Setzer both vote for Celes.

*this time the SWAT team bursts in, rappelling down through the skylights, smashing them in the process. They throw a huge burlap sack over Celes, and tie it up, swinging it over their shoulders. They wack Edgar on the head with nightsticks, and fling him into a bodybag. Then, they run out the front door with their cargo. They call over their shoulder that the three left have 24 hours until the audience votes*

Locke: Well, looks like it's down to us three.
Kefka: Yeah, just the three.
Setzer: Mmm-hmm.

*they all stare at each other, the theme to "The Good The Bad and The Ugly" plays as they eye each other*

During the 24 hours they go about their activities, packing up their stuff, watching TV, the usual, but mostly they just stare at each other, and whenever they do that theme plays (Imagine them all walking around the house and doing normal activities, only staring at each other constantly, I find it vaguely amusing, but then again...). All at once the three leap at each other, yelling, and they all freeze in the air. As they slowly fly towards each other the booming voice resounds:


*the three fall to the ground, groaning softly*

Voice: "Stop this petty squabbling! 24 hours are up! Now, people who have had no input whatsoever in this match of ours shall decide which of you win the Million Gil based purely on opinion!! (slight jab at Macc there :-P)"

Wha? Now I wasn't going to interrupt all this, but... a jab at me?!? How dare you! *uppercuts the Voice* And yes, Voices can be punched. Okay Voice, once you've collected your dentures, do continue.

Voice: "Let us bring out the audience!!!"

*at first no one appears through the swinging door, indicating a zero viewership rating. Crickets can be heard*


*then, it appears that all your favorite RPG characters... Crono, Squall, Cecil, Aeris, Rinoa, Hawk, Thomas, and Ultros all emerge, seemingly pushed, through the door, each quickly stuffing a check into their pockets as they do so*

Voice: Errmmm, yes! Millions watched in... uh rapt! Yes rapt attention as our six decided each other's fates! Here are our six "lucky" audience members chosen... at random, yeah... to decide who will take home the prize. *a million gil check floats over the three contestants, they jump up and down trying to get it, but fail* *a little black dog randomly starts tugging at one of the drapes* Pay no attention to that dog tugging at the curtain!! Anyhow, how do you vote oh audience? Your choices are... the gluttonous Locke, the cheating Kefka, or Setzer, him of odd television tastes. Once again, your choices please! *Who Wants to Be a Millionaire thinking music plays*

*they all scribble something on cards, not really focusing though*

Crono: Locke!

Squall: Locke!

Cecil: Setzer!

Aeris: Kefka!

Rinoa: Locke!

Hawk: Setzer!

Thomas: Locke!

Ultros: Macc... I mean Kefka!

Voice: There you have it!! Locke has won!! *Smash Brothers voice* Congratulations!!!! *tries to hoist Locke's hand in the air but it is too heavy. The victory music starts up again, but quickly dies down at this failure... and yes Voices can lift things!*"

Voices can do a lot of things when you stop to think about it. No, that's not right... I mean, Voices can do a lot of things when you don't stop to not think about it... errr, I mean... I don't know what I mean...

Voice: Tune in next time when Merlin may actually have some good ideas and more time to frivolously spend!! That’s it, I’m outta here. *unplugs the master plug, the lights go out, sound system dies, everyone shrugs and walks out*

Locke: But... but... what about my check?

Voice: Too late show’s over goodnight everybody!!"

Hey!! Like I said before, only I get to not pay people for their hard work! Get him, Gilgamesh!

Who, me?

Yeah, you.

Ummm... okay. *runs away*

The OTHER way, you moron! ...oh, forget it. I guess I better get out of here as well, 'cause it looks like Lunaris just figured out I duped him... seeya! *runs away, followed by Lunaris, who's brandishing a warehouse worth of various guns*

Life IS a highway. And it's backed up for 2 miles!