RPG Classics Mailbag #24

I know, I know, the mailbag's really really late again. What, were you expecting anything different? I have sort of a reputation to uphold here. If you have any objection, just compare me to Blizzard Entertainment. They always miss their initial release dates by a long shot, but when you see the results, you'll be glad they took that extra time to make their products all the more awesome. ...okay, so maybe I'm being overly dramatic about how I'm going to bring this to you. I might as well get to the point and just tell you: This will be the last of my mailbags. You've all been able to plainly see that I can't keep up anymore, it just keeps taking longer and longer before I put up the 'bag. Therefore, I decided to let someone who has a little more time for this take over. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you... Cidolfas.

Hi everybody.

Okay, that's enough. Sheesh, I didn't ask for a speech did I? Anyway, when Cid here takes over, the mailbag probably won't have the same amount of corniness and over-the-top insanity that you're used to, but you might find other things to like about it. Who knows, it might actually be *gulp* done on time! And don't worry, I'll still be working on my HQ, so you won't be completely Macc-less. So, this is the last mailbag I'll be doing. Cry all you want, it's not going to change anything. My mind's made up. You knew this was going to happen sooner or later. So dry those tears, and enjoy this, my final mailbag!

Well it's about damn time. Getting hurt in every mailbag was getting really old really fast.

Don't worry Ultros, we'll still have plenty of octopus beatings in the HQ.


Now then... what was the mailbag question again? I forgot, it's been such a long time...

*changes into a cue card*

Ah yes, here we are... "If you got the opportunity to create a crossover RPG from two existing RPGs, which RPGs would you mix together, and what would the game be like?" Alrighty then, let's see what you all had to say about that. Let's start off with Dan... no, I can't control the urge... I must... Danman5311Danman5311Danman5311!!! ...sorry about that. Force of habit. Re-read the last mailbag if you don't remember.

"'Sup Macc! Dan here, and might I say that Gilgamesh really disappointed me! Gilgamesh, I respected you! I thought you were the king of all the wimpy bosses! I asked you to whoop Exdeath, but did you? NOOOOooo!"

Sure I did! I got him good!

You suckerpunched him once and ran away.

That's what I said, right?

"You're nothing but a worthless sack of shi... Ok, sorry. I get carried away sometimes. Anyway, I'd probably combine Final Fantasy and Secret of Mana to make a game called...Chrono...YEAH that's it! Ummm...Chrono what...Oh yeah! I'd call it Chrono Trigger! Wait a minute. WHAT?! Chrono Trigger was already released?! Oh shit, I can't believe it! Every time I have an idea some asshol...Ok Dan, get a hold of yourself, take a deep breath.....that's better! Well, if I can't create Chrono Trigger then I'll just combine Parasite Eve with Secret of Mana and create a NEW GENRE! It will be called... SURVIVAL HORROR! WHAT?! That's been taken too?! What the fuc...Ok sorry, take a deep breath...ok, I'm fine now. Oh what the hell, I'll just combine Saga Frontier with Final Fantasy and...WHAT?! THAT'S BEEN DONE IN THE JAPANESE FINAL FANTASY 2?! OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL IS A GUY SUPPOSED TO DO FOR AN OUNCE OF CREATIVITY?"

You'll have to pre-order it two years in advance. Or you might go see if there's some used creativity for sale on ebay.

"I'll just make a game with RPG characters fighting each other Mortal Kombat style! WHAT?! That too?! Grrrrr...Ultros this is all your fault!!!!!!! YOURS TOO EDWARD!!!!!! YOU TOO KEFKA!!!!! ARRRRGGGGGG...YOU'VE ALL MELTED MY BRAIN!!!!!!!!! I HATE ALL OF YOU!!!! I'M  LEAVING!!! ::::storms off the mailbag::::"

I didn't do it! ...although I do enjoy a good helping of fried brains every now and then...

I believe you, Kefka. There's no doubt in my mind that this was, in fact, all the fault of...


YOU! Edward!



Oh, and you, Ultros.


...lucky for you there's more verbal abuse for you to endure before we move on to the physical abuse. 

"Oh by the way, Gilgamesh? You caused this too! This is Dan signing out!"

People always blame me for their problems. But how can that be? I never do anything! I mean, I always run away long before anything bad happens! I mean... I'll make myself look bad no matter what I say, right?

Actually, I think...

Get on with it!

...what was that?

Whatever it was, it does have a point.

Agreed. Next response. Hey, here's a new face. The Rabbit Breeze, or, as it says at the bottom of the letter, "you can call me RB, if you wish". K... How about R&B? ...or maybe I should just answer the letter now...

"Hey Macc (and everyone else), my first time contributing to the mailbag."

And the last... that is, the last time contributing to "my" mailbag.

"First off, I'd like to say that Gilgamesh rocks (all hail Gilgamesh!)"

Hail me!

"So does Ultros (hail him too!)"

Hail me!

"And Exdeath... is stupid (hail him, and I'll poke you)."

Hail me! *is poked* Owww!! My bellybutton!

"He's a tree, for cryin' out loud! A TREE! A spoony tree, for that matter!"


Aw c'mon, trees have feelings too. Even spoony ones.

"Now, on to the question. Which two RPGs would I cross-over? Well, being a Super Mario RPG fanatic, and having read somewhere that SMRPG was supposed to be a spoof on CT (which is most likely not true), as I type I'm thinking what it would be like.

Chrono Trigger and SMRPG have a couple similarities, after all. Ahem:

1. Mario and Crono are both mute, except that Crono doesn't use charades to convey messages."

Mario did go to Mime school for a year, but he was kicked out because he couldn't stop himself from shouting out "Itsa me, Mario!" at the most awkward times.

"2. Magus and Geno are both awesome. Actually, make that ROBO and Geno, because I use Robo more often for the Fire Tackle (with which I have won many (three) Lavos battles). And when I get Geno, I keep him in my party permanently, preferably paired up with Peach.

3. Mario and Crono both live in houses on the outskirts of town (Truce Village, Mushroom Kingdom).

4. They both have one utterly useless character, but Mallow is arguably more useless than Marle. I basically ignore Marle (my preferred threesome is Crono, Lucca, and Robo), but I purposely keep Mallow out of my party. He can't attack, his healing spells are obsolete when you get Peach, and Geno is far better at magic--unlike Mallow, his spells are non-elemental, so all enemies are effected. Unless you're talking about Secret of Mana/Chrono Trigger elements, where it would be Shadow/Moon.

Okay, enough about the similarities. On to the actual game. The story would be as follows: due to a mysterious happening, the Star Road has been shattered again, and due to the power rift (don't ask--no, I have no idea what I'm saying), it's created several dimensional portals, which suck the stars in. Mario (assisted by Geno, who came back down in the Geno doll form), travels through the portal and comes out in 1000 A.D., where they find Lucca using the star as a power source. They explain what has happened to the Star Road, Lucca agrees to help them, gets Crono and Marle, and they set off. You go to the End of Time to re-organize your party (it's worth mentioning here that you can also do Double and Triple Techs with the SMRPG characters), and Lucca gives you the Star Finder, which will tell you where the stars are--one at a time. The rest of the SMRPG characters are scattered around, and you will find them and they will join you as well. The characters would get additional items and weapons and armor (oh my!), the weapons mostly being bought from Melchior (for the SMRPG chars). The final boss would depend on who is leading your party (either Crono or Mario, nobody else can be in the front--however, you can switch sprites on the screen by pressing select--yeah, this would be on the Super NES--and use that character's "action" like in BOF3 by pressing B. Mario is the only one who can jump, Crono can trigger switches with his sword, Mallow can pull a Sten and reach
over very far, etc.). If it's Crono, you would have to fight Lavos Plus, a super-charged resurrected Lavos, or if it's Mario, Smithy Plus, same deal. Time travel would also play a part in this game, as not only have the stars been tossed around the world, they are only available in certain time periods. You could also go back to the Mushroom World in diffrent time periods, and get other items and complete additional tasks to get 100%, where you can open up debug and do a nifty "walk through walls" code, among other things. Oh, and did I mention the sound test?

Anyway, I need a breather after that paragraph. So, in conclusion, Gilgamesh and Ultros are cool, Exdeath sucks, Edward is a spoony bard, and my imaginary game...will never be made. But, that was just my opinion.

Note to Edward: You spoony bard!"

If I had a Gil for every time someone called me that... I'd have one more Gil right now.

Thank you, o Master of Math.

My pleasure.

"Note to Dark Macc: Ever thought of catapulting sundaes at a Weight Watchers Convention? It's fun, and evil! Try it!"

Mwahahahaha!! I should try that sometime.

Dark Macc? Is that you?

Duh... couldn't you tell by the evil red font?

What's so evil about red font? And why aren't you showing yourself?

Why are you asking so many questions?

Why aren't you answering my questions?

All these questions are entertaining and all, but is there any point to this?

Who cares? Does there need to be a point?

Yeah Ultros, why don't you mind your own business?

What's going on?

I believe everyone's only uttering questions for some reason.

Ha! You broke the trend, Exdeath! You're out!

Out? What do you mean, "out"?

*hits the button on the Instant Plot Device™, opening a plot hole underneath Exdeath*

...oh, I see. *falls through the plot hole*

Well that was a fun little diversion. Now what was I doing? ...oh yeah, mailbag. Response #3, by Megaman984.

"Well Macc, you got the system Albert Odyssey is on correct, but you got the other two answers wrong. The main character’s name is Pike, and it was translated by Working Designs. Despite the fact that you only answered 1 of the 3 questions correctly, I decided to give you a prize. What’s the prize you ask? Why, it’s me answering another Mailbag. Yaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy!"

I'm pretty sure I won't win a prize like that again. ...for obvious reasons.

"Well, let’s look at the current Mailbag’s topic, shall we? If you got the opportunity to create a crossover RPG from two existing RPGs, which RPGs would you mix together, and what would the game be like? Geez... your Mailbag topics are becoming, uh... interesting. Heh heh. Huh boy."

Thank you, and may I say that your responses are always equally interesting.

"Well, I guess that I would mix Harvest Moon 64 with a Final Fantasy game. Quickly now, choose a Final Fantasy!"

5! 5!

"What’s that you say? You chose Final Fantasy 6? Good for you!"

I can tell you're a Diablo 2 player. Many people can't tell the 5 and 6 apart in that game for some strange reason.

"Well anyway, could you imagine Locke going around farming? It would be hilarious. He’d be able to marry Terra, Celes, or Relm."

Ack! You've brought back bad memories from long, long, ago... way back in Mailbag #4. Which, coincidentally, you'll still be able to read from the archive of Mailbags I did, which you will be able to access from my HQ very soon now.

"Shadow would be like Gray; the mayor of Narshe would be the Mayor. The chocobo would be like the horse, and Mog could be your dog. Locke could farm, fish, cut wood, pick berries, steal the mayor’s valuables... Uhhhhh, scratch that last part... And instead of collecting recipes, you could collect spells and espers. When the Shady Salesman comes (played by Kefka) you could cast all these different spells on him for trying to cheat you. Well, that’s all I can think of right now."

Uwee hee hee! And then they'd hit my magic barrier and all bounce back at Locke and he'll be dead and wahaahaahaa!!!

...o-kay... Kefka, maybe you're enjoying this little fantasy of yours a bit too much.

Bleh... it won't be a fantasy for too much longer. Soon I will rule the world again! Uwee hee h- *is buried in 1000 gram weights*

*looks at Macc quizzically*

What? They were on sale. Buy five hundred, get one free. I guess you could say good things come in small packages.

...you're weird.

And you only found that out NOW? Speaking of weird, here's your old fan The Blunderbuss.

"First off: I would like to complain most emphatically about Ultros referring to me as a, quote, weirdo, unquote, in the last mailbag. I'm not a weirdo! Am not! Are too! Am not! Are too! Am not!"

...are you sure you're not a fan of Macc instead? You sound just like him.

"...now we've cleared that up...

Now, this crossover idea isn't an RPG, I admit, but *I'd* buy it if I saw it on the shelves."

Not an RPG? Next!

Aw c'mon Macc... you never cared if people didn't obey the rules before.

Oh all right... you hear that, B? Saved by the octopus!

"My train of thought went thus: First thing a good RPG needs is decent characters. Okay, so do a crossover between FF5 and FF6. That way you've got Ultros and Gilgamesh. Now, what do Ultros and Gilgamesh do best? Which leads me to:

RPRacer! Yes, it's a whole new genre... okay, it's a driving game. Starring, of course, Ultros and Gilgamesh, together with other famous RPG athletes like Zed from Wild Arms, Ozzie, Link with his Pegasus boots... The object is simply to reach the finish first, by whatever means possible. Either conserve your strength and run as fast as you can, or try more sneaky tactics like casting Stop or X-Zone on your adversaries as they try to pass you.

As you play, you unlock extra skills for your chosen racer ("Ozzie's in... Super Ultra Thick Golden Syrup Patch!") and the mandatory hidden racers, including Mario ("Hold B button to run faster!"), Sonic, heh, after the last mailbag Exdeath's got to be in it, et cetera. I guess his special ability would be to turn into a tree in the middle of the track and stop anyone passing. Not that he'd win like that, but it'd be satisfying to do, nonetheless.

Okay, that idea kinda ran on for longer than I'd expected. Still, it'd probably sell better than Chocobo bloody Racing, anyway."

Heh... the idea "ran on" for longer than you expected did it? Pun not intended, I'm sure. Here's the fifth response, by Adamant.

"Hi Macc, Im your fan."

That's impossible, my fan's right here at my house. It keeps me cool during the summer.

"Ultros, You sux.

Gilgamesh, You rock.

Edward, You sux worse than Ultros.

Dark Macc, you..."

I don't think you should continue that sentence.

Yeah! Stop picking on me or I'll... sing!

No! Anything but that!

Ahem... *takes a deep breath*

*throws a MageMash knife at Edward*


Ah yes, the ol' knife with muting powers. Good one. Now we won't have to listen to his whining anymore.

Hey Macc, d'ya see that? I hit 'm dead on! ...Macc? Now where do you suppose he went?

Hmmm, there's a note here... "I'm on my coffee break, even though I don't actually drink coffee. Cover for me." Oh great, more work.

Maybe we should just get out of here. ...nah, there's probably something in the contract about this, isn't there? Guess we're stuck then...

Might as well get this over with.

"Oh, yeah, the answer.

OK, I would have put Mario RPG and Secret of Mana together.

An RPG with a good wiew like Mario RPG and the battle system like Secret of Mana."

What's a "wiew"?

I think it's an exclamation of relief or something.

Isn't that "phew"?

Oh yeah. In that case, I have no idea.

"When you bump into an enemy you get into a fight like in Mario RPG, but fight like in Secret of Mana.

And a cool story, and Characters like Shadow from Illusion of Gaia ( the game sux, but Shadow is kewl)

And Macc, how did you get out of that trap Dark Macc trapped you in (FARTS 3)? Just wondering..."

I get it... Macc bailed because he saw this was coming and didn't want to tell that long story.

Well from what he told me, apparently Dark Macc challenged all comers after capturing Macc, and these guys SpoonyBard and Mazrim Taim teamed up to beat him. Although they couldn't actually harm Dark Macc, one of them was able to distract him long enough so that the other could free Macc. It was something like that, anyway.

Ah. ...well, now what?

I think we're supposed to show more responses.

Pick out the smallest ones.

Good idea. Lessee here... this'll do, a reponse by someone called Quelquun, or something.

"I would of mix Chrono Cross and Final Fantasy 7. Why ? Because they both have awesome Story and CC has a Unique Battle System !"

Well, that was small alright. ...so what would the game be like then?

Who cares? We're only doing this because we have to, I doubt my contract mentions anything about me needing to be clever. Next! Let's see what this one by Felixsula is.

"I would mix Lufia 2 with DAUN DAUNH AUHN


Sephiroth:Shut up Kefka!!!!!
Magus:Why is he here anyway?
Daos:Ahh crud it's already confirmed I ha.....HELP!
A horde of rabid pikachus run over Daos killing him."



Errr... I have no comment, do you?

The least said, the better, I think. Damn, there ain't no small responses left... hey, this one's by Donald Marco, I remember that guy.

"I know that you don't like it when people refer to other mailbags, but some people may have thought that this one was similar to Mailbag #18. I looked it over, and found that only ONE of its entries would fit this mailbag. So if anyone thought that this was a redo of that mailbag, then I have a couple of friends I'd like you to meet.

[Mog & Umaro show up with a rack of Straight Jackets]"

Edward thought so.

!! ....! ....!!!

See? His silence says it all.

........!! *is knocked out and taken away by the men in white fur*

"And if anyone overpowers THESE guys, I have Heero Yuy, The Powerpuff Girls, Jim Raynor, and Guybrush Threepwood all on call."

Arrrrghhhh! Where be Guybrush Threepwood? I'll shiver his timbers!

...... Everyone thinks they can just come out for a cameo whenever they want to these days.

"Good. Now that that's out of the way... Hm... a crossover between multiple RPGs... Well, Macc said 2, but I don't really see how combining only FF7 & FF8 would be original. Heck, half the entries would probably do the same."

It would make the job easier if that were so, but as you can see, it's not. I never have any luck.

"So, I'll bend the rules and include FF5 as well. Why those 3? Because, although the personalities are fleshed out, they don't have ANY original skills except for Desperations! (And FF5 doesn't even have that!) I mean, ANYONE can learn the same skills as ANYONE else! And in FFs 7 & 8, you don't get to keep them if some items are transfered!

Plot: Hm... perhaps A General and Two Wizards, well... let's throw in Kefka & Ultros for humorous effect, anyway, 2 Generals and 2 Wizards try to get the 4 Crystals of Elements to Unlock the Promised Land to awaken the ULTIMATE Power. (Let's call it Zeromus for now... 8-) ). Your ragtag team of heros has to try to stop it, while struggling with local governments, organizational regulations, false memories, bad actors, bad translations for those of us who speak English, Ultros, Gilgamesh, Biggs & Wedge, Anyone else who wants to pop-up more than twice on the journey, and the ocassional out-of-our-mind experience. In short, the enemies succeed in reviving this ultimate evil. Fortunately, (or not depending on your point of view,) you'll go on against insurmountable odds to try to defeat them. With a little help from your Guardians, through whom you can grab magic from foes, and being able to learn techinques from various masters throughout the world of course. (Just pay the masters a few-thousand Gil and you'll learn a new technique. Heck! Stay with a particular Guardian long enough, and you MAY be able tocast low-level spells by yourself!)

Hm... maybe I SHOULD make something like this... there's enough RPG Makers out there... [insert plug if you wish]"

Hmmm? Sure, I'll do a plug. If you too want to put your dreams on the screen, be sure to visit RPGMaker.net, home to over a dozen RPG Makers.

And yes, you should make that game. Any game with me in it is bound to be popular.

"While I'm on my insanity high, do you know if DarkMacc has a "Obviously Reckless People whose sole wish in life is to pilot a mobile suit with a control system that completely takes over their brain and makes them heartless killing machines School" (Inc.)?"

Not yet, but it's a good idea. It might increase the usefulness of humans a tiny bit.

Hey Dark Macc, why don't you show yourself, anyway? Macc's not around, you know.

Well, actually, I've been here the whole time.

Oh great, now we got two people hiding behind a colored font.

You surprise me, Macc. I didn't think you could pull it off.

It wasn't that hard. Besides, anything you can do, I can do.

I wouldn't be too sure of that... you will soon find out exactly what I mean. But for now, I will take my leave... Mwa ha ha ha!!

...I never quite understood why villains always need to let loose their evil laugh when they leave. What's so evil about leaving?

Er, Macc? You're freaking me out here... where are you?

I'm right behind you.

Ahhh! What the heck? You mean all I had to do to see you was look over my shoulder?

Actually, it's a little more complicated than that, I doubt you'd understand if I told you. Besides, you don't have any shoulders to look over.

Always pointing out my shortcomings...

I can't help it that there's so many of 'em. Ah well. Now that I'm back I might as well finish up this thing. Next up is Megaman X.

"OK, just have to input on this extremely important topic :)

Hmm...No contest, FF5 and FF6. Reasons? Well, two of 'em. If you combined the class system of FF5 into FF6, then you'd be able to mix and match your characters, for instance, have a singing Gau (COVER YOUR EARS!!!!) or a White Shadow (ain't that ironic) you get the idea. Secondly, well...

In FF5, there was Gilgamesh. In FF6, there was Ultros. So, either

a) Ultros continues to try and get Gilgamesh for selling him out to Macc or...
b) Somehow they fuse together to form, well...Ultro-Gilgamesh! (Oh God.....what was I smoking...)"

Errr... "Ultro-Gilgamesh"?

Bwa ha ha ha!

Ewww... cut it out, guys, that looks really gross. Not to mention cheap.

Sorry, too hard to resist.

Won't happen again.

"Oh, and P.S. I want to appear on your show, especially since I'd love to see how Ultros reacts to torture by...oh I won't spoil it."

Well, sorry to disappoint you there, but I won't be taking any RL guests on FARTS anymore... at least for the time being. You can see the reason for that at my HQ. But don't worry, I'll be sure to subject Ultros to the usual amount of pain and suffering myself.

I can handly wait.

You don't have to. *grabs one of Ultros' tentacles and flings him high up into the sky*

Looks like I'm blasting off agaaaaaaaaaaaain... (insert "ping" sound effect here)

.....well, now it's time for a really big D'OH!! I was planing on doing all the responses I got for my final mailbag, but guess what? My PC crashed, taking with it all the work I did from this point. I'm guessing about 6 responses were lost in this fashion, and I don't have enough time to redo them since ths is all the time I have today... and if I don't upload it now, who knows how long it's gona take me this time? So sorry to anyone whose response didn't get posted... but they should've been prepared for that possibility anyway, so not too much harm done I hope.

That's it then... this has been my final Mailbag. But remember, my humor can still be found at Macc's HQ, so feel free to drop by if you ever miss me. :) If you've got anything to say to me about... well, anything, you can find my e-mail address there as well. Well, goodbye guys. It's been fun.

For once I'm at a loss for words. Mark down the date!