RPG Classics Mailbag #7

I guess I'd be easier to just say I'll post the mailbag seven days after the last one, give or take a day or two. That way I won't have to mention I'm late again anymore unless I'm really, REALLY late. Okay now, this week's question: "What weapon from any RPG would you most like to own, and what would you use it for?" Man, it's getting harder and harder to decide which responses to post and which people I have to disappoint... that's the part of this job I hate. But hey, let's not get too gloomy now... let's have our spirits lifted by Zero.

"Make that 2 weapons, since I never fight with only 1 hand, and I don't like 2 handed stuff."

Well... I dunno. Can we accept that? Judges?
*Judges hold up a large sign saying "OK!"*
Alright, very well then. Hey... you look kinda familiar... *judges scramble* Hey wait! Hmmm... I thought that one guy looked an awful lot like SpoonyBard... oh well. Do continue.

"Right hand, faster hand: Stunner dagger, that already gives ya an idea of
my little plan eh? I don't blame ya.

Left hand, slower to strike, more precise, with an itchy trigger finger, hand: It's a tie, Photon Eraser or Plasma Cannon (both from Phantasy Star 4)."

*frowns* First two weapons, now a tie for the second one... I'd disqualify you for bending the question, but since I recognise my own indecisiveness in this I'll let it pass. This time.

"I'd probably go first to Ontario (people, don't get alarmed...yet) and go directly to YTV's studios, because that bunch of no good beatniks deprived us (SpoonyBard and me) of the good episodes of DBZ, so I'd go on the studio (blowing away everything/one in my path, but you already guessed that) and would use the Stunner on the hosts, then I'd start mutilating them with the beam weapon, targetting limb after limb, A) erasing all photons in them, creating a mass of dark matter where it used to stand or B) using the Plasma Cannon, bringing his/her (i'm no sexist, they shall suffer equally) puny flesh to a temperature exceeding 1k degrees Celcius. Both ways would trigger extreme amount of pain, and since it's on air, everyone would assist at the beginning of my reign of terror."

Either that or they'll send the army to take you out. (ooooooh, scary! ZAP! ;)

"Then... I'd go get revenge on the people who made me who I am now, who troubled my puny child mind and made me suffer during my childhood, but it would be quick, i'd do suppression fire on them with the gun, ending their life quite fast."

How noble.

"After all personal matters have been taken care of, I would probably take a part of the world and make my own empire... that or hijack a plane, go to all countries where the RPGC people live and get to meet you guys for real... maybe both, in no particular order."

The evil (those TV producers are obviously the most vile creatures on Earth) should be punished, although I can't say I approve of your methods... but then you never asked for my approval, did you? Anyway, should you ever hijack a plane, do drop by so we can compare guns. With those choices you think you would win, but this next mailbag respondee (with the enigmatic name "Fluffy McMuffin") would definately have you beat in the size department.

"That's a tough choice. I think I'll narrow it down to:
a) Barret's Gun Arm (with the flesh part, of course). Why you ask? I'll give you a clear moment to think. PILE BUNKER + BARRET'S ARM + ME = ONE HELL OF A BLUNT WEAPON. It'll put Cloud's Nail Bat to shame. With all those twisted little gadgets to hit people with, who WOULDN'T want one? Don't forget you can always attach it onto yourself and pretend you're Barret too with the Shinra's Super G.L.U.E ®.

Not to mention it makes for a great paperweight. But then if you wanted a really good paperweight, you'd go for choice b)...

b) The Sister ray. With that high concentrated beam blastin' everything to smithereens, build a little shack near the cool down vent. Instant Sauna! Ol' Barret (Damn I hate that lard) could finally lose some weight from sitting on his arse since no one takes HIM in their party. Don't forget Deep-Deep-Deep-Deep-Deep-Deep-Deep-Deep-Deep-Deep-Deep-Deep-Deep-Deep-Deep-Deep-Deep-Deep-Deep-Fried Marshmallows you can umm...vaporize.

A great paperweight AND a sauna, what more do you want in a weapon?

"Note to self: Lay off the Pixie Sticks and 6-packs of Coke."

Agreed. Try Pepsi instead. The choice of a new generation. Hey Dais, did we get the paycheck for that Pepsi promotion yet? If not, you can all just forget what I said.

"GO SECRET OF EVER-"

Don't say it!

"uhhhh.....MANA!"

Nice save. Alrighty, let's see what Carpe Diem has to say.

"Hmmmm, this is a good question. Well, the obvious answer would be a scythe, in any way, length or form, but
since I've never seen it in a game, I would have to go with the Imp Halberd from FF6."

Never seen a scythe in a game? Never played Chrono Trigger then? Shame, shame...

I mean Halberds are already really cool to start off with, but I mean, the way they make it so that it's only good when you're an Imp is just great. Hmmm, well to use it I would have to be turned into an Imp, and even though it's not the same one from FF4, that would still rule. Then after I'm an Imp I would use my weapon to find all the other Imp-only
equipment, then I would be all powerful, not even and Atomic Bomb would be able to get me, muahahahahahaha."

And even if you weren't an Imp, you would still be left with an awesome hockey stick. It would at least be more useful than Kentar's choice... listen to this.

"Well... if I could use any weapon in an RPG... mmm.... well 1st of all what the heck would I do running in the street with a sword like Ragnarok or Illumina... well what I would do is take the worst weapon in Final Fantasy history !!!!

Excalipur !!! And I would simply use it as a butter knife..."

*snickers* Excalipur vs. a pack of butter? My money's on the pack of butter. Too bad Excalipurs don't come in sets of three or you could play darts with them at least... only to have them cleave right through the dartboard and the wall! Remember, it can actually be pretty damaging if you throw it instead of trying to cut with it. Hmmm... this may not be such a bad choice of a weapon after all! Though it wouldn't be as good as Locke Cole's choice...

"Well, I would go for one of Edgar's great tools, but if I wanted a Chainsaw or a Drill, I'd just go buy one. If I wanted a thing that sprayed out poison, I'd go out and buy a container of pesticide. And the Air Anchor's too damn inaccurate. So, I dropped Edgar."

You and approximately 100% of the women in the world of FF6. ;)

"So, I was trying to think of what game I could choose from. And I figured out the perfect game: Earthbound. Yes, as crazy as it may seem, Earthbound. Sure, I could go for the Sword of the Kings, but that's too rare, and why would I want a bat that I miss with all the time? So, I need to go with the Holy Frying Pan. Not only could I smack some idiots pretty hard with it (and it'd make a really cool gong-like sound), if I ever got hungry, just stop along side the road, and fry up some bacon and eggs in my top-of-the-notch Holy Frying Pan. Mmmmmmm...bacon and eggs..."

Now here's a multi-purpose weapon everyone can enjoy! Defend the world from the forces of evil, then cook up a nice little breakfast. The Holy Frying Pan! For sale a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Bacon and eggs sold seperately. Alrighty, now let's take a look at what StarSoldier wrote.

"I would like to have the Ragnarok from FF6. It looks a lot cooler than Illumina, which has a ribbon on the hilt of the it, or Atma Weapon, because it looks like a lightsaber from Star Wars."

Yeah, it was a dumb change. Huh? What change? Well, I've been told that in the Japanese version of the game the Atma Weapon was actually the Holy Frying Pan... Oh man, this Holy Frying Pan thing has gotten me so hungry I can't even think straight anymore.

"Randomly casting Flare is better than randomly casting Pearl, plus I wouldn't have a clue as to how to raise my level so the Atma Weapon would be stronger. I'm not allowed to fight in school or go roaming around to fight monsters."

And if you were holding the Holy F... I mean, Ragnarok, who'd stop you? ;)

"I'd use it to protect myself from the hordes of boys that are just dying to go out with me(I wish...). Actually, I'd kill all the people that have made my life a living H-E-double hockey sticks. I'm not a psychopath or anything, but I wish they would leave me alone. I'd warn them first, then slice them up into little chunks."

Heh, sounds a lot like Zero. "I'm warning you, leave me al... oh, I guess I already blew you away. Never mind then." And look who's back... Risyu again, with another new nickname: "The evil queen duck of DOOM". And that kind of sets the tone for this response.

"I'd have... The Almighty Flippers of Death(tm) from Final Fantasy IX.. They work very similarly (is that a word? uhm.. don't care) to the Imp stuff where when you equip stuff, you turn into an imp in battle.. You equip the Flippers on your hands and then, in battle, you turn into a duck. Ducks have the ability Flap, where you blow the enemies away, along with Attack and Item. When equipped on Mayfa (the leading female in the game), however, she becomes the Queen Duck character permanently. She has very high attack and powerful magic (some spells include Float, Summon Pug/Tonberry (heh), peck, etc.) This way, you will not get the secret porno ending, however, so you may consider not doing this. These flippers can only be found in the Cave of Evil Socks (tm) which is hidden within CheezyWorld 2 (also tm).

That, or Sephybunny's Masamune. It looks yummy."

Although Risyu was reluctant to do so, I'll also let you in on the ultimate secret. Now, if you visit the Pond of Very Sticky Pizzas in the Village of the People With Bad Italian Accents, and get the Pizza with Moldy Cheese, Quite Possibly Poisonous Mushrooms and Ansjovis, you can feed this Pizza to the Queen Duck to teach her the ability "Bad Trip". If you use this ability, the game will display a sickening swirling mass of colors and emit a high-pitched noise which will cause you to gradually lose consciousness. When you come to, your CD will have completely melted, but you will have gained the ability to think up extremely silly fabricated rumors concerning RPGs. Okay, that's enough of that particular brand of silliness... let's check out the last response for this week. This is from... well, the e-mail header says Jason Flythe.

"If I could own any RPG weapon I wanted to, I'd have to own the Atma Weapon. No, not the dinky little sword, I want to own that big huge monster. I could teach it to roll over, play dead, fetch a stick, catch a frisbee, etc. It would be just like having a dog, except that if someone pissed me off I could just say "kill him" and the Atma Weapon would reduce the poor sap into a pile of ash."

Heh. Pokémon trainer, by any chance? ;)