Mailbag Archives

RPG Classics Mailbag #15

Hi everybody, welcome back! As a few of you may still remember (it's been a while, after all), this is the mailbag, where I answer your answers to my questions. Er... that sounds strange. Oh well, I guess that fits the general mood of the mailbag anyway. Before I forget, here's the official statement concerning my extreme tradiness...

He was lazy.

Why thank you, Ultros, for your brilliant contribution. You are, of course, completely WRONG! *wheels in his desk from the adjacent FARTS set and presses a button on it. A trap door opens beneath Ultros*

*looks down* Crap. Hey Macc, don't you ever get tired of doing that over and over again?

Just shut up and fall.

Okay. *falls*

Right. Now then, the REAL reason why I was so late... it was largely because of my recent acquisition of Final Fantasy 8 and my inability to focus on anything else but a recently acquired RPG. Now that I'm 40 hours into the game, I finally managed to tear myself away from the game long enough to do this mailbag. And long enough to wonder why people keep asking me the same question over and over in that game: "You want to play cards at a time like this?" Oh well... let's see, what was this mailbag about again? Oh yes, the "who wants to be a millionaire" thing. Well, I've got a grand total of five responses, even after all this time. It'll have to do. I think I'll start with the strangest one... ShadowX's response.

"Ok, so after all the answers for the entrance competition have been reviewed, the 10 contestants are:
Rune Walsh (PS4)
Wren (PS4)
Magus (CT)
FuSoYa (FF4j)
Geno (SMRPG)
Spar (BoF2)
Bleu (BoF2)
Bahamut Zero (FF7)
Kefka (FF6j)
Vegeta (DBZ)

Now, for those of you who don't know, these are the rules. I, ShadowX, will ask a question. The first character to attack our Regis action figure gets to answer. To make sure that the right contestant gets to answer first, we have temporarily turned our judge/ref Macc Maverick into a Super Saiyanjin Form 3."

*shrugs* Okay, whatever... could you hurry this up, though? I don't know how long my helmet can withstand the pressure of all that extra hair.

"Anyway, if they are wrong, then the next to hit Regis gets to answer and so on. When you miss any questions, you're eliminated, and there are NO LIFE-LINES!! Last 2 contestants then go to a special lightning round to determine the winner. Now, let the games begin!"

*struggling to hold his helmet in place* ...right, sure, make up your own rules too, just hurry up!

""Question 1: What is the name of the final god/goddess from Breath of Fire 1?"

*Spar whips Regis*

Spar: "Tire!"

"I'm sorry, that's WRONG!! Bahamut-Zero, take care of him."

*Bahamut-Zero Teraflares Spar out of the building*

"Ok, any more guesses?"

*Bleu casts BoltX on Regis*

Bleu: "Tyr!"

"That's correct! Ok, next question....."

*It goes on until only Bahamut-Zero and Vegeta are left*

"Well, our Regis action figure has been so badly charred and twisted up, we'll need the back-up Regis."

*Edward comes out*

Edward: "A prince/bard shouldn't be treated like this! It's all a conspiracy I tell you!"

"You shouldn't have said the C word Edward. Now we must punish you by bringing in your replacement, Ultros, and having security throw you out."

*Ultros comes out*

"Ok, we're down to Bahamut-Zero and Vegeta. Here's our final question. What is the name of Kakarot's brother from the Dragonball Z RPG?"

*Both contestants charged up to blow away Ultros and answer. They then look at each other and fire a Teraflare and a Final Flash. Vegeta gets so angry that Bahamut-Zero's attack is equal to his that he enters Super Saiyanjin form 1 and blows Bahamut-Zero out of the building*

"Well, I guess that since there's only 1 person left, he's our winner. So the winner by default is Vegeta from the Dragonball Z RPG!! Vegeta, what will you do with your money?"

Vegeta: "I'm going to buy a Saiyanjin spacecraft and rule the universe! Muahahahaha!!""

Right, right... now power me down already! *powers down and releases his helmet, relieved* Phew, I almost reached critical mass because of that little stunt. At least give me a warning next time so I can undo the safety bolts on my helmet beforehand. Anyways... now that we've had our fun with that little game of modifying the rules, let's re-implement the real "millionaire" rules, shall we? Let's hand over the show to Mazrim Taim and see what happens...

"First off, I'd like to say that my plot to take over the world failed, but at least I captured Regis Philbin. He is being held in my septic tank, which is why Macc can be here now. He is the host, but I am still the announcer."

*breaks out the Pepsi and popcorn* Go ahead, have your fun. Man, this job is easy.

"Our contestants today are:

Ultros from Lete River (he won the last one, so we had to invite him-also has eight arms-somehow helpful)
Cid, a meld of all in each FF game-impossible to say where from (hey, he invented the airship!)
Magus, from Zeal (he is so cool, you just have to have him in this)
Goblin, from Generic Plains (there is actually a pretty good education system for goblins)
Gogo, from Triangle Island (he just copies everyone's answers)
Faris, with ninja ability, from (oh, shoot, I forget the name, Worus, or something?)
Kefka, from Genetic Lab (he just says something, laughs, and everyone else laughs)
Dekar, from Bound Kingdom (I don't know how he got in here)
Mario, from Mushroom Kingdom (he only barely passed the test-knows a surprising amount about botany)
Locke, from Narshe (he is a thief, so-

Locke: Hold on a minute! You called me a thief! It's T-R-E-A-S-U-R-E H-U-N-T-E-R!!!

Mazrim Taim: Look, pal, I'm trying to do a show here, and you are messing it up!

Locke: I don't give a damn about your damn show! I'm outta here!

Mazrim Taim: Oh, crap. Now we need one more person! This is a nightmare!

Boy from Secret of Evermore: I'll go!

Mazrim Taim: I repeat, I need one more person *watches crowd dissipate except for the Boy*

Boy: So, can I be in?

Mazrim Taim: *through tears* All right...

Boy: WOO HOO!!"

*chokes on the popcorn* Wha? How did he get in here? Mazrim, don't let him win anything now, y'hear!

"Now, to the fastest finger round...

Mazrim Taim: Oh, s**t... Can I have another question?"

Censoring crew, you're fired! Geez... censoring the word "shit"... the very idea... What was I thinking, hiring a censoring crew in the first place?

"Crew: This is the only one we have, since Bahamut ate them all in his rage at being in 4th place.

Mazrim Taim: Dammit... All right... Which material *sob* do you have *sob* to mix with water *sob* to make a *sob* cure spell?

SOEBoy: Buzz! I know I know!!

Gogo: Buzz! I know I know!!

Mazrim Taim: Anyone else? Please!

Dekar: Mind if I practice my sword moves on your crew? *slashes one of them*

Mazrim Taim: Get out of here! No killing staff members allowed!

Dekar: Aw... You're no fun. *leaves*"

Oooh Dekar... *points to the censoring crew*

"Mazrim Taim: As I was saying, anyone else want to buzz in?

Cid: Buzz! An airship dual bipass propeller?

Gogo: Buzz! An airship dual bipass propeller?

Mazrim Taim: Nope, I'm sorry... You will both have to leave.

Goblin: A scrub bush?

Mazrim Taim: Close... *whispers "guess again"*

Goblin: NO! I DON'T WANT TO BE UNFAIR!!

Mazrim Taim: Then you lose! Get out of here!

Kefka: Uwee hee hee! What fun is this game if nothing gets destroyed? *shoots a fireball at one of the lights*

Everyone else: HAHAHAHA!!!

Mazrim Taim: Kefka! Get out of here! *exiles Kefka to the Cookie Dimension* He'll be safe there.

Faris and Magus: Let's get that announcer dude...

Mazrim Taim: I heard that! Into the Cookie Dimension you go!!

Faris and Magus: A cup of teeeeeea!!! *disappear*

Ultros: Well, Mario, you know the answer, don't you?

Mario: Of course-a I do! I wouldn't a-share it with-a the likes of you!

Ultros: If you do, I can pay you 1000000 gil tomorrow.

Mario: OK. The answer is-a root.

Ultros: BUZZ!! The answer is-a root!

SOEBoy: No fair! How come he gets it and I had to wait? I had that answer too!

Ultros: I have pity on you. You can be in the hot seat round with me, and we will work as a team. *gets the 1000000 gil that SOEBoy is handing behind him*

SOEBoy: WOO HOO!

Mazrim Taim: What the hell, this isn't going well at all anyway.

Macc (to Mazrim): You know, if I were to go out there, I wouldn't be able to contain myself. I would kill both of those guys...

Mazrim Taim: I understand...

SOEBoy: Let's go, let's go!

Mazrim Taim: All right, hold your horses. Let's ask some questions. *Looks at the cards* Hey! These are all questions about botany! What the hell! Can I have some different questions?

Technician: I told you, Bahamut ate them all!

Mazrim Taim: Ok, what is the tree that has the symbol of the Maple Leaf on it? A: Pine, B: Cedar, C: Maple, D: Oak.

Ultros: Ummmm..... Well, I don't know, but since I'm so rich anyway, I don't care! HAHAHA!!

SOEBoy: I know I know I know! The answer is C!

Mazrim Taim: You are *sob* correct. All right, what is the most commonly seen tree in the world?

SOEBoy: What are you talking about? Which world?

Mazrim Taim: Bzzt! Wrong answer! Get out of here! Oh Macc! You can come here now!

All right! *charges up for a big blast... then changes his mind and powers down* Nah, I have a better idea. *takes out a Magic Marker and starts writing in a couple of contracts. Pandemona appears and sucks in Ultros and SOEBoy, then blows them out of the studio* There we go. With this Magic Marker, I can change the fate of my contractees just like that, see? *shows Ultros and SOEBoy's contracts to the camera, where the words "Pandemona appears out of nowhere and gets rid of Ultros/SOEBoy" are written* There's just so many things I can do to those two now... so why just blast them when I can send them flying off in a tornado?

"Mazrim Taim: Ooooh! That's gonna hurt! Oh well, an excellent ending to a very annoying day! Ah, and here's my check for being on the show. What do you mean, no money? *shoots a fireball at the man who is supposed to give him his money* I quit!"

Hmmm, darn... now what? Host the show myself? No way, I still haven't finished my popcorn! Why don't you take over for him, Zero?

"Well, hello, and welcome to...*whispers to macc* what's this again?"

Oh come on... that millionaire thing!

"Yes... greetings ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to "Oh come on... that millionaire thing"! This is your host, Zero, and tonight, I hope to make as many RPG contestants go home crying..."

*whispers to Zero* Shhh... don't SAY that...

"...with joy! Yeah... because if they do make it all the way through all the questions prepared by me, then they can win up to a million GP!!! But of course, if they fail the first question then they get a rupee and a kiss on the nose from our lovely popcorn selling clerk, Celes... LET'S BEGIN! *gets hit by a popcorn basket thrown by Celes* hey hey hey, we did this fair and square, you lost the rock-paper-scissors match, that means I get to be the host. *notices everyone is looking at him* Hmm... err... contestants should be arriving like... now... in theory... *note appears on personal screen: "Contestants delayed, do something!"* Okay... the contestants have encountered difficulties, as I am told right now, they got problems opening the door, so to pass the time, here's Macc Maverick!

*croud cheers and Macc is pushed on stage*

*whispers* All yours Macc, I'll go get the contestants myself. *walks away*"

H-Hey! Oh great, um... hi guys.

Crowd: Hi Macc!

Uh, yeah. So... did I ever tell you guys about the time Zero and I freed Dark Macc from the most demented area of my inner being?

Crowd: Only 38 times, Macc!

Uhhh... oh. Well then... er... how about... *looks around nervously* What do I do... what do I do...? Oh wait! *lightbulb appears overhead* Idea! How about I entertain you guys with some useless but funny RPG anecdotes then?

Crowd: Huh??

Oh you know... stuff from RL RPG sessions... come on people, back me up here!

*silence... cricket chirps... tumbleweed rolls by...*

Well, I'll do it anyway, and you'll like it! Here we go people, my beautiful collection of... LAST WORDS! ...as spoken by PCs in various RPGs.

* "Hey! Why don't we see if they'll let us JOIN the orcish horde?"

* "Do you realize that you are depriving a village somewhere of an idiot?"

* "Ohhhh, it's the IRON wand that shoots fireballs and the IVORY one that heals..."

* "Is ignorance really bliss, or are you just faking it?"

* "Maybe trying to dribble that Beholder wasn't such a great idea after all."

* "Why don't we just push ALL the buttons and see what happens??"

* "What's a fusion grenade do?"

* "Hey, I've got a shotgun, how much trouble can a zombie be?"

* "I can only die by my own sword, you can not kill me." (The next round the player fumbled, critical hit and killed himself. :)

* Just before being eaten by a dragon, a player yelled: "I HOPE I TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!"

* "Gee, from here it looks like that guy on the roof's got a rifle..."

* "Say what? The button caused everyone in the party's stats to go down by six except for me? I'll press it again."

* "...Aren't you in the cockpit?"

* "Look, I'm telling you... there is defininately no trap on this door!"

* "Hold on... I'm sure this grenade is supposed to have a pin in it!"

* "Boba Fett? Yeah, right! There's more than one bounty-hunter with Mandalorian armor you know!"

* "You're the Warlord of what realm? HA! Never heard of it."

* "I disbelieve the illusion."

* "Hey, if Luke could blow up the Death Star all by himself, I can at least take on this Star Destroyer going maverick."

* "Fear my Magic Missile!"

* "I attempt to steal the 20th level mage's pouch!"

* "I can take that dragon...."

* A thief was disarming a trap. "Will you shut up! I know what I'm doing!" BOOM...!

* "What's that you're holding?"

* "Oh, c'mon. I'm 7+3d6 initiative. There's no way he'll outdraw me."

* "Cool Wand!! Hey, what does this button do??"

* "If you strike me down now, I shall only become stronger..... <slice> Damn, didn't buy it, did you..."

* "You smell somethin'?"

* "I stepped on what?"

* "Geez, mister Giant, you sure do stink."

* "Look out for that bus!" "What bus?"

* "What can possibly go wrong?"

* "Hmmm, I think it's some kind of fungus...."

* "Who is this bony guy??"

*the people in the crowd are laughing their respective asses off*

...they like it? Wow... I mean, hey, what'd you expect? Well, now that I'm on a roll... so, people, how about that final boss of FFMQ, huh? The Doom King in Doom Castle. He is Doomful. And his favorite computer game is Doom.

*crickets start chirping again*

Ummm...

"*Zero comes back in dragging the contestants*"

Phew... just in time. Zero, what the hell took you so damn long?!

"Zero: Okay people, it was just a minor problem, Locke didn't notice the "pull" sign and was trying to push the door. Tonight's contestants are: Locke Cole! *cheers*
Locke: Thank you... thank you, I know you love me.
Zero: Dias Flac! *big silence*
Dias: What? You expected more?
Zero: Next is Rika... Ashley?!? You married?*male part of croud whistles* Oh shut up!
Rika: *blushes* well... yeah...
Zero: Note to self, don't ask questions like those..."

*scribbles along on his "questions not to ask a woman"-list, right below "I love the smell of Napalm in the morning... don't you?"*

"Zero: Next contestant is... *notices original name is scratched out* chicken wuss? Da heck... probably Zell... and while I'm introducing him, might as well do Seifer, but both refused to enter their full names."

I can understand in Zell's case, but Seifer's got nothing to be ashamed of in my opi... *notices Zero giving him a mean look* Oh... right, I've already had my place in the spotlight. Sorry 'bout that.

"Zero: After that there is : Strago Magus, Magus... period, and last but not least, Cid, Cid and Cid, unlucky for us, back from the void... somehow.
Cid (FF4): Well, I just can't seem to die.
Cid (FF5): Although my nonexistant fighting skills didn't help, my intelligence did.
Cid (FF7): *$%(P$?*)%&? place... never want to go back because of that /$?/%??&/"/$? Exdeath.../%?&$%?|!"

Hey wait a minute, I thought it was the FF6 Cid that was in there, not th... Oops, I did it again. I'll shut up now. Really.

"Zero: Anyways, the elimination question, the quick finger one, y'know... it's quite simple, but I expect major screw ups none the less... ahem: Place in order the crystals in FF5 from first one to last one a) Earth b) Fire c)Water d)Wind.
*6.2 seconds later*
Zero: Alright, let's see those answers...*blinks quite a few times* I'm sorry Zell, but you don't get the Fire crystal 3 times.
Zell: Aww...
Zero: Well, here are the times for the CORRECT answers, which consist of: Locke, Dias, Rika and Cid (FF5).
Locke: 3.8 seconds
Dias: 3.2 seconds
Rika: 4 seconds
Cid(FF5): 5.8 seconds
Zero: Well, I guess the one who speaks the less is the fastest to press... get it?
Dias: ...shut up and start asking the rest of the questions.
Zero: Ooook...we're in for a full night of fun here... just get your ass in the hotseat.
Dias: *shrugs*
Zero: First question... *looks at the question* I can't believe this... who's the idiot who wrote these? *sees a shrouded figure pointing at him/her/itself* ...seems the producer got broke with all the stuff Macc does in the FARTS, they can't spend a decent amount of money on the question writers... well, here goes: What is a dirk? *hits forehead* a) a small dagger b) a club c) a spear d) a spell.
Dias: ...hmm... I'd go for A, but that's just a guess...
Zero: Is that your final answer?
Dias: Yes.
Zero: Really?
Dias: Oh shut up and tell me if I'm right or wrong!
Zero: You are right, duh, what kind of idiot would not know such a thing? *half the audience raises hand* Oy... next question, for double the amount... which stands at 10000 gils, gp, fols, zenny, or whatever currency you want it.
*10 mins later*
Zero: *mumbles to self* Gogo is soooo gonna be security agent for the rest of his life... well, the final question for 1 gillion of moola...
Dias: That's not a valid number, give me something valid.
Zero: Crap, almost suckered him... ok, 1 million, and you got nothing to say against it, here is the question: *smirk* At least Gogo did one question the right way: In what game do you find cards that allow characters to use different moves or to be used as an item to regenerate life or other things? a) Tales of Phantasia b) Magic Knight Rayearth c) Dragonball d) Pong RPG.
Dias: Hmm... err... can I use the 50/50 thing?
Zero: Sure, go ahead.
*Tales of Phantasia and Magic Knight Rayearth disappear*
Zero: Well? Take your time... heheh...*sees Spoony smiling too*
Dias: Hmm... can I use my "call a friend" lifeline too?
Zero: Sure, knock yourself out.
Dias: *calls the greatest nedian scientist ever, but even he is clueless*
Zero: So, what will it be?
Dias: Well, I'll go with logic, I'll say Pong RPG, since everyone knows Dragonball is a fighting game and an anime show.
Zero: Final answer?
Dias: Hmm... hmm... yes?
Zero: I'm sorry... you were close, but lost at the end, it was Dragonball, because there is no such thing as a Pong RPG.
Dias: Crap... means I get 60000 fols then?
Zero: No.
Dias: What? Am I not supposed to get something even if I lose at some point?
Zero: Yeah, but whatcha gonna do. *pulls lever, trap door opens and chair falls with Dias* And since this trap is linked to the same system that the FARTS studio has, he should be landing softly on a pile of slime or something. *CRASH* Or... maybe not. Well, see ya next time, except I might have a bigger car, a few babes around me and a XXL sized wallet, till then, this is Zero signing off... *talks to cameraman* you may shut the thing down you know...idiot..."

...done? Allllllll righty! Then I can get on stage again! ...wait, still two more shows of "Who wants to be a Millionaire" to go... and I have no more hosts! Now what? Hmmm... wait a minute... *eyes Regis Philbin in the septic tank behind him* no... I couldn't, could I? Yes I could... sorry everybody, but it's in the script. At least it's in the part of the script written by Megaman984. Behold...

"Energon: Welcome to another RPGC Battle Royal. I’m your announcer Energon, Lord of the Paper Cuts. This time our Battle Royal is between all of...

Regis: I’m sorry Energon, but there aren’t anymore Battle Royals. Macc has planned a “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” spin-off. I’m sorry, but you’re out of here.

Energon: Man. Macc, could you please have another Battle Royal or something like it so I can come back? Please!!!!

Regis: Well, now that he’s gone, let’s introduce our contestants.
The first one is Ultros from Final Fantasy 6.
Next is Sir Astral from Shining Force 2.
Our third contestant is Chrono from Chrono Trigger.
Fourth is Gilgamesh from Final Fantasy 5.
Our fifth contestant is Reinhardt from Dragon Force.
Sixth is Kefka from Final Fantasy 6.
Seventh is Balan from Albert Odyssey: Legend of Eldean.
Eighth is Edward from Final Fantasy 4.
Ninth is Cid who is also from Final Fantasy 4.
Last but not least is Gogo from Final Fantasy 6.
Now let’s get ready to play “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”! Our first fastest finger is: Put the folowing RPGs in the order they were made starting with the earliest.
A. Final Fantasy 6
B. Final Fantasy 1
C. Final Fantasy 8
D. Final Fantasy 3
Let’s see who got it in the fastest time. The correct order is B, D, A, C. Edward got it in the fastest time. Hello Edward.

Edward: Hello Regis. I decided to compete in this because Macc disqualified me from the good guys Battle Royal.

Regis: Oh really?

Edward: You betcha. It was all part of a vast right-wing consp..."

Just give me an excuse, Edward... just give me an excuse...

"Edward: Um, vast right-wing c-word.

Regis: Ok. Here’s your $100 question. Who was the weakest Final Fantasy character ever?
A. Edward from FF4
B. Cloud from FF7
C. Terra from FF6
D. Galuf from FF5

Edward: Hmmmm... I’d like to use my poll the audience.

Regis: All right. Let’s see what they say.

*100% says Edward from FF4*

Edward: I don’t quite believe them. I’d like to use my 50/50.

Regis: Okay. Computer, take away two of the wrong answers leaving us with the correct answer and one wrong answer.

*Computer leaves Edward and Terra*

Edward: This is tough. I’d like to call a friend.

Regis: Who would you like to call?

Edward: I’d like to call my friend Kain.

Regis: Let’s have our friends at AT & T call Kain.

Kain: Hello?

Regis: Hello Kain? This is Regis Philbin from “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”. We have your friend Edward on the show. He has a question to ask you.

Edward: Kain, Who is the weakest Final Fantasy character ever? A. Edward from FF4 or C. Terra from FF6.

Kain: I would have to say Edward.

Edward: Are you sure?

Kain: Yes.

Edward: Are you totally sure?

Kain: Yes.

Edward: Are you absolutely sure?

Kain: Yes.

Edward: Ok. My answer is C. Terra from FF6.

Regis: Is that your final answer?

Edward: Yes.

*Regis makes his face then pauses. He pauses for 5 minutes*

Regis: I’m sorry, but the correct answer is A. Edward from FF4.

Edward: You’re all part of the vast right-wing conspiracy! It’s all one big conspiracy!!!!!"

*jumps up from his seat* Ha! I knew you'd slip up! Now I'll...

"Regis: Security, please remove Edward."

...what? Hey Regis, I don't think I like your attitude very much... *sits down and sulks*

"*Energon comes in and drags Edward away*

Energon: Stupid cameos. Please let there be another Battle Royal...

*Energon starts to mumble along the likes of rasafrasa*

Regis: Our fastest finger question is: Put the folowing Albert Odyssey bosses in the order you fight them starting with the first.
A. Rachessa
B. Guy
C. Valerian
D. Queen Alorna
The correct order is C, A, B, D. The person who got ti in the fastest time is Gogo. Hello Gogo.

Gogo: Hello Gogo.

Regis: Yes I just said that.

Gogo: Yes I just said that.

Regis: Stop that.

Gogo: Stop that.

Regis: Aww skip it. We’ll go with the second fastest contestant, Ultros. Energon, come in here and take Gogo away.

*Energon comes in mumbling and scowling then drags Gogo away*

Energon: Please let me be brought back as a RPGC Battle Royal announcer, Macc. Please!!

I can't believe that Battle Royal thing actually had such a devoted fan. Well, maybe I could do one more Battle Royal... *crowd boos and starts throwing vegetables; Macc is hit in the head by a leek* Ow! Alright alright, I'm sorry! No more Battle Royals, I promise! *crowd cheers while Energon hangs his head*

"Regis: Hello Ultros.

Ultros: Hello Regis.

Regis: Your $100 question is: How many tons does Macc keep dropping on Ultros in his mailbags?
A. 100
B. 2
C. 1
D. 4

Ultros: My answer is A, 100.

Regis: I’m assuming that’s your final answer. You are correct! Your $200 question is: Who is always yelling that it is a conspiracy in the mailbags?
A. Edward
B. Macc
C. Rast
D. Ultros

Ultros: A, Edward.

Regis: You are correct! You now have $200.

*Ultros goes and wins all of the questions up to the $1,000,000 question*

Regis: Here’s your final question for $1,000,000. You have all three life-lines left. Your $1,000,000 question is: Who does Macc keep stealing all winnings from in his mailbag?
A. Edward
B. Zero
C. Gogo
D. Ultros

Ultros: This is easy. My answer is D, Ultros.

Regis: Is that your final answer?

Ultros: It is.

*Regis frowns then pauses for 17 minutes*

Regis: You are correct!!

Ultros: Woohoo! I win! I win! Tralalalala!

Regis: Now give all of your money to Macc.

Ultros: I knew it was to good to be true. Fine, here you go Macc.

*Ultros gives all of his money to Macc*

IRS Agent: Excuse me. Are you a Mister Macc Maverick?"

Who you callin' Mister Macc Maverick? That don't sound right! But, I must confess...

"Macc: I am.

IRS Agent: I’m here to take all of your money. You owe quite a bit. Now if you’ll just hand over that check, I’ll leav...

*Macc blasts the IRS Agent then walks off*

Regis: Good night from “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”!

*Five minutes later when everyone is gone*

Energon: Please have another Battle Royal so I can come back!!! Please!!!!"

Get a life, Energon. And get a job while you're at it. As for you, Regis... back to the septic tank you go! Now then, just one more show, by Donald Marco... huh, what's this?

"Seeing as how I don't have much time to myself anymore, and hoping you do, I will submit my INCOMPLETE entry to you."

Oh I see... I get to fill in the plentiful blanks, huh? I guess that means I get to do a show largely by myself this time around. Let's see... all I have to do is follow your instructions and build a show around them, huh? Sounds like a lot of work. But I'll do it... for my fans! *waits for applause, but doesn't get any* Aw dammit, that always works in the movies... oh well. Let's do the official intro thing, shall we?

"Macc's voice: Last time, on Who Wants to be a Millionaire:
[Scene shows Cristo's Phone-A-Friend to Taloon for $125,000]
[Scene announcing Ness from Onett]
Macc's voice [as logo fades up]: And Now, from Midgar, Night 4 of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire! [WWTBAM Fanfare plays twice]
Cut to Millionaire Studio. Macc Maverick steps out, and sits in a chair to the right of camera. Ness is sitting on the left-hand chair."

Hey there little guy.

Ness: Hello mister Macc.

D'oh... don't call me that! Oh, by the way... I used to have no picture of you, but now I do, so I'll use it from this point on.

Thanks, mister Macc!

Would you stop... oh, never mind, I can't stay mad at you. Anyway, you were at... what, 4000 Gil already? Smart kid... okay, let's continue...

>>>FAST FORWARD>>>

(Editor's note: Yo, Macc here... yes of course I'm also the editor, who'd you expect? Anyway, I'm fast-forwarding through this part and other parts of the show because it would just take too much time otherwise. Besides, not even I can be funny THAT long.)

Jeff?

Jeff: Yes?

Ummm... how's it going?

Jeff: Fine. So what's up?

Oh... nothing special.

Jeff: Weren't you calling me because you needed help with a gameshow question or something?

No... I just wanted to say... I think you're a poopy-head! *line goes dead*

Errr... ooookay... that's it for your phone-a-friend lifeline...

That's okay. It's my bedtime now, so can I have my money please?

So you're quitting?

Yuppers.

Then I congratulate you on winning 125000 Gil! *hands Ness the money*

Thanks, mister Macc.

Ah, get outta here, ya little rascal. *watches Ness leave* Right. Time to introduce the new contestants! Um... Donald, a little help here?

"[As Macc intros each contestant, they are shown on camera and wave.]
Macc: Mid. Surgate.
Edgar Figaro. Figaro.
Magus. Zeal.
Lucca. Truce, Guardia.
Cid P. Baron.
Cid (3.) Cannan.
Rufus Shinra. Sector 0, Midgar.
Porom. Mysidia.
Celes Chere. Kohologen.
and, Cloud Strife. Costa Del Sol.
[Music pans out, cut back to Macc]

Macc: Welcome aboard players. Now, in a moment, I will ask these 10 a question. The first one to put the 4 answers in the correct order will go to the hotseat, 15 questions away from 1 Million Gil. Audience, we need your complete silence."

*coughs*

I said silence! *pushes the button on his desk, sending Ultros down the trap door once again* He's not very smart... keeps coming back for more. Anyway, here's the first fastest finger: Put these events in the order in which they occur in FF7. A) Motorcycle chase, B) Launching of Rocket Town's Rocket, C) Cloud's date, D) First appearance of Meteor.

*time passes... more time passes... and finally, after 38 minutes...*

Huh? Oh, time's up or something. Was I supposed to say when? Sorry 'bout that. Okay, let's see... well, not surprisingly, only two contestants got the correct order of A, C, D, B: Cloud and Rufus. Cloud just took a little more time. But then we all know Cloud has his problems...

...where am I? What am I doing here? I had a date? *Tifa throws a brick from the audience, which hits Cloud in the head* Owww! ...thanks, I needed that.

Errr... right. Well, Rufus, if you please...

Rufus: *sits down in the hot seat*

Heya Rufus, what's up?

Rufus: Nothin'. Was that the 100 Gil question?

Ummm, no... just making a little friendly conversation.

Rufus: There's no money to be made in friendly conversation. The question, please.

Fine, sheesh. You're a bundle of laughs, aren't you?

Rufus: No. Was that the 100 Gil question?

>>>FAST FORWARD>>>

Rufus: ...gotta use my poll for that one.

Alrighty. Audience members, please help Rufus with his question.

*audience votes, the scores appear in a chart*

Well, looks like 98% of the audience thinks that in certain RPGs you use a Frypan C) As a weapon. The other 2% voted for D) In the construction of a giant robot...

Rufus: *looks at a spot in the audience, where Scarlet and Heidegger are sticking up their thumbs* ....I'll go for C, then.

You are absolutely correct! Thank you audience... except for that 2%. *Scarlet and Heidegger hang their heads*

>>>FAST FORWARD>>>

...and that's 4000 Gil. Congr...

Rufus: Yeah yeah yeah... get on with it.

...I'm really starting to hate this job. Well, let's see if you get the next question, then! ...damn, you'll know this one, too. Which one of these people/creatures did not play a part in Shinra's downfall? A) Cloud, B) Sephiroth, C) Diamond Weapon, D) Exdeath.

Rufus: What? Shinra's downfall? What are you talking about? We're still going strong!

Gotta love conflicting timelines. So... *rubs hands* you claim that Shinra was never destroyed?

Rufus: Yes!

Is that your final answer?

Rufus: Yes, but what's that got to do with...

HA! Gotcha! *hits a button on his desk, sending Rufus through a trap door* Heh heh... the rules say that if the contestant hasn't given the correct answer after they've confirmed that they've given their final answer, they are eliminated. *shouts down the trap door* In your face, Rufus! Oh, I almost forgot... *drops 1000 Gil down the trap door* He did get past the 1000 Gil-mark, after all. See, I'm being completely fair. Okay, let's get on with the next faster finger...

>>>FAST FORWARD>>>

Well, after Edgar left with... *groan* 250000 Gil... I do wonder how far everyone's favorite mental patient and rock-band escapee Cloud Strife will go.

My mind is completely clear now, Macc. Go ahead, try me.

Alright, I will. Which one of these spells is not present in FF8? A) Fire, B) Fira, C) Firaga, D) Fiagra.

That's easy, I just finished that game. It's D.

And right you are! Now, for your 200 Gil question...

>>>FAST FORWARD>>>

Okay, Cloud, get this next question and you'll have 32000 Gil, whatever happens. So think very carefully about this one. ...doh, it's another easy one. Gogo, you moron! You're fired!

Awww...

Hey, wait a minute... Gogo, maybe you can can make it up to me. Come over here a minute... *whispers something in Gogo's ear*

Hey, can we get on with this?

Alright, alright, keep your shirt on. Gogo, take your place... right, now then, the question. Which of the Turks is... *sigh* ...female? A) Reno, B) Rude, C) Elena, D) Tseng.

Ha ha ha ha! Man, I can't believe how easy this is!

Huh? But... that's... me??

Uhhh... I'm soooo confused... uuhhh... aaaahhh...

Uhhh... I'm soooo...

Okay, that's enough, Gogo.

Right. REVERT!

Now can I have my old job back?

Sure, you're back as head of security as of now.

Woohoo!

Now then... Cloud? What's your answer?

Uhhhh.... ehhhh?

What's that you said? A? Is that your final answer?

Uhhh........

Close enough. *tosses 1000 Gil in Cloud's lap before sending him down the trap door* Phew... okay, how long is this supposed to continue anyway? *reads the rest of Donald Marco's e-mail* What? THAT long? No way! Uhhh... look, folks, I'm afraid we're out of time...

I thought we got rid of the time limit for this show.

Wise guy. *Scribbles in Ultros's contract with the Magic Marker; A Fat Chocobo falls on Ultros* Some people just don't know when to quit. Well then, in that case, we can't continue because of lack of contestants.

Hey! What about us?

*takes out a small device with a single red button labelled "end show" and presses it. The contestants' consoles blow up, sending the remaining contestants flying through the roof* Like I said, we can't continue because of lack of contestants. I think I've added enough of my corny humor for one mailbag. Hope it made up a little for my extreme tardiness.