Ah, so you have chosen to listen to some of the many words of wisdom I have to offer you. Excellent. I remind you again, these are things I have learned and/or said over the years, and each of them contains wisdom in one form or another. So pay close attention, and make yourself comfortable, as I can keep going for a very, very long time...

* Only the insane have strength to prosper, and only those that prosper judge what is sane. Do not question the insane. They have a loose grip on reality and reality has a loose grip on them.

* No man is an island, but then no man is a Lemon Martini, either.

* A good reason is a good excuse, but a good excuse is not always a good reason.

* Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better.

* Si hic legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes!

* If you believe everything you read, it would be better for you to have been born perpetually illiterate.

* It takes 27 seconds to cut through a pizza with an oxyacetylene torch.

* Lost time is never found again, unless the refs check the replay.

* Ability is the poor man's wealth.

* If ignorance is no excuse, what good is it?

* If God were a government employee, creation would have taken 7 years.

* Stupidity is no excuse for not thinking.

* Bacchus is a convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

* Beautiful girls don't bother me... but I wish they WOULD!

* How come girls with the most streamlined shapes offer the most resistance?

* Education is learning that you did not even know what you did not even know you did not even know.

* It is our responsibility to live with as much gusto as we can and to cause as little grief as possible.

* Seriousness is the refuge of the truly shallow.

* He that never changed any of his opinions never corrected any of his mistakes; and he who was never wise enough to find out any mistakes in himself will not be charitable enough to excuse mistakes in others.

* One always knows the right thing to say after the right time to say it has passed.

* It happens sometimes. People just explode. Natural causes.

* Love is the only thing you get more of by giving it away.

* Honor thy error as hidden intention.

* It's always better to be a smartass, than a dumbass.

* Impeccable: having immunity to woodpeckers.

* Information is hearsay, knowledge is an event.

* It doesn't pay to live in the past... there's just no future in it!

* To a computer, 1 + 1 = 10.

* Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.

* The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be broken.

* There is no excuse for laziness, but I'm working on it.

* You know you're getting old when it takes you all night to do what you used to do all night.

* I think I am; therefore, I may be.

* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

* Destiny is a tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse for failure.

* You will become rich and famous unless you don't.

* Imagination: Inspiration for a resourceful mind.

* There are only 2000 real people in the world. The rest are bad special effects.

* Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice which will recommend that they do what they want to do.

* Keep a man waiting, and he'll tally all your vices.

* It has been said that nothing is impossible; yet there are many people doing nothing every day.

* You know what's interesting? Gravitation. You know, the tendency of all bodies to approach one another with a strength proportion to the quantity of matter they contain - the quantity of matter they contain being ascertained by the strength of their tendency to approach one another. This is a lovely and edifying illustration of how science, having made A the proof of B, makes B the proof of A.

* I am perfectly sane, and so am I.

* The best place to party is any place but yours.

* It is better to suffer defeat than to be ashamed of victory.

* Punctuality is disappointing if no one is there to appreciate it.

* The truth is NOT out there. There is no absolute truth. Everyone has their own version of the truth.

* "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

* Maturity is knowing when and where to be immature.

* Life IS a highway. And it's backed up for 2 miles!

* I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.

* Never utilize a sesquipedalian word when an intuitive diminutive will suffice.

* First rule of Poker: A loaded .357 always beats a full house.

* If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person - they will find an easier way to do it.

* Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings.

* If at first you don't succeed, find someone who can do it better.

* Computers are only human.

* If builders made buildings the way Microsoft writes programs, civilization could be destroyed by a woodpecker.

* A little help at the right time is better than a lot of help at the wrong time.

* Wit sometimes enables us to act rudely with impunity.

* An honest man's pillow is his peace of mind.

* Commitment is making time when there is none.

* Man is born to live and not to prepare to live.

* Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

* Life is a holiday in the same way that glass is a liquid.

* It is easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for being right.

* People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.

* It is considered bad form to microwave an unopened can of spinach on any Friday the 13th, no matter the month. It is, however, one of the quickest ways in which to redecorate your kitchen inexpensively.

* To pass through a time-warp backward through time: To oldly go where no man has gone before.

* If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?

* Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

* Let's put the blame where it belongs: On somebody else.

Oh my, you're dozing off, aren't you? Very well, I'll continue some other time. I'll be adding new words of wisdom to the top of the list, so you won't have to scroll way down here when (or should that be if?) you return. Hm? Oh, you were wondering about the line in Latin? It says: "If you can read this, you can get a good job in the fast-paced, high-paying world of Latin!" But I suppose that's quite out of the question, if you had to ask...