WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I came back, what's the problem with that?

Quit changing the music, Ultros. It's not necessary. Anyway... Nothing at all. So what happened?

Well it was the funniest thing. I stopped outside to take a whiz, and as soon as I zipped up, this big guy came up to me and asked me if I saw anyone urinating on the lawn. I said no, and he went on his way.

I thought Mr. T would show some initiative...

Same here. Note to self: Spell instructions out more clearly next time. Oh well.

I stole YOUR job, Gestahl?

*sits down in one of the cheap-o seats* YEAH! I applied for it too!

It was either the pervert or the wuss.

SHUT UP ZEROMUS!

Well if your ass wasn't so pansified, you MIGHT have gotten the job!

Is 'pansified' even a word?

It is now, apparently.

I'm not the kind of pervert that has to spend all night with a Playboy!

At least it's someone with tits!

I stopped caring now.

So have I. Golbez, Gestahl, calm down. This is FARTS, not Jerry Springer.

SHUT UP STARSTORM!!!!

*sweatdrop* Ok. Now I'm mad. Shut up both of you, or I'll break out the Pixy Stix!

Pixy Stix?

Yeah, it's where I take a hyperactive cat, overdose it on freebase sugar, and watch it reach speeds of Mach four while it starts to pummel you two into docility or permanent brain damage. Hurts a lot too.

We'll be good.

Better. Anyway, back to the interview... what do you think was the best thing that came out of taking the job?

My job...

Shut up Gestahl. Anyway... it was probably the fact that I found out who my brother was, really.

Awwwww...

How nauseating... *bzzzzzzzzzzt*

Anyway... do you know who else applied for the job?

A lot of people. I know Gestahl, and there was this one cute chick, tried to hit on her, but she shot me down. Said she was tired of being a flower girl.

Flower girl?

Yeah, had a really cute name. What was it? Oh yeah! Aeris!

AERIS?!?!?! YOU LIAR!

Shut up Cloud.

Yes Master.

What do you know! You really do learn something new every day.

He's lying! Aeris would never do that!

SHUT UP CLOUD! Anyway, that is just wrong. And to think, she wouldn't have been killed by Sephiroth if she got the job.

She was killed?

Yup... but then, she probably would have gotten killed by Cecil instead of Sephiroth.

That or Cecil would have found out that she was his sister.

Aeris is my sister now?

I don't know. Why don't we call her and find out?

*pulls out a cell phone and starts dialing* Let's see then. *talks into the phone* Hello, Aeris? Good. Lets get you on the line, ok, put you on Speakerphone.

AERIS!!!!

Is that Cloud?

No, just some psycho that sounds like him.

GILGAMESH GET THAT CAMERA ON ME NOW!

You are not Master. *puts some emphasis on "Master"*

Are you sure? Because that really sounds like Cloud.

Well, you know these crappy cell phones. Ignore the raving lunatic ok? I'd like to ask you a couple of questions.

Sure.

First, is Cecil your brother?

Cecil?

Of Final Fantasy 4. Cecil the Paladin, King of Baron?

Oh. *giggle* No, why?

AERIS! IT'S ME! CLOUD! REALLY!

SHUT UP CLOUD!

That IS Cloud!?!?!

Smooth move, bonehead. *bzzzzzzzt*.

No, he calls himself that, and we call him that since he sounds so much like Cloud. Ever since his stay in the mental hospital, he's never really been right, you know? Besides, what's the point in arguing with a psycho?

Oh ok.

DON'T BELIEVE HIM! IT'S ME! CLOUD!

SHUT UP BEFORE I DROP YOU IN A PLOT HOLE!

I'll start worrying about that when you get the buttons right.

This is your Master speaking. SHUT THE HELL UP CLOUD!

Yes Master.

Master?

Slave Crowns are messy business, you know?

I understand. So any more questions?

One more. Did you ever apply for a job as Zemus's secretary?

Sure. Never got the job though. Some guy named Golbez got it. He was alright I guess, but he kept hitting on me and he was really creepy. Otherwise he was nice and all.

Hi Aeris.

Oh! Golbez! *giggle* It's been a while!

It sure has.

What are you doing?

Giving an interview on FARTS.

I watch that sometimes. Once you're done, wanna go for some coffee? We have a lot to catch up on!

Sure!

*blinks* Aeris, you would kick small puppies?

Being a flower girl doesn't pay nearly enough. Anyway, I've got to go or I'll burn my lunch. Bye!

Bye, Aeris! *hangs up* Well, that was enlightening, I think.

YOU LITTLE...

Shut up Cloud! Golbez, you may want to watch your back. Cloud does have a big nasty sword.

Keep that Slave Crown on his head then. Shame though, what happened to Aeris. Maybe I should have let her have the job...

Wouldn't be a Final Fantasy 7 without her though.

Point. But technically, it WOULD be.

You know what I mean.

I think it's kind of disturbing that you have her phone number.

Not only that, I have her and several others on speed dial.

Oookay.

Cloud will probably torture you for the information.

Ok, the Slave Crown stays on, permanently. I do the torturing. Anyway, I think that's all the time I have for you, Golbez... so...

*groan*

The show's over?

You'll let us all go and leave?

No.

Master?

WHAT, Ultros?

There's a woman on the line. She said she'll be showing up after all.

HELL YEAH! I have a third guest! She must have changed her mind.

Oh god... *bzzzzzzzzzt*

Tell her to come, Ultros.

*talks into the phone for a few moments* She said she'll be here in five minutes.

Sweet! Alright. Lets go to commercial, then we'll present my surprise guest.

It's time for a commercial break! Don't change the channel!