Sweet choice of music Ultros! Anyway... Now presenting my final guest, of Chrono Trigger Fame... The Queen of Zeal!

Thanks, Star, I'm happy to be here.

They all say that. And you still put up with his stalking?

Stalking?

Just an idea to shut the weirdos up for five minutes.

I know better than to ask.

A great idea if I ever heard one. So how 're you, my good Queen?

Is it just me, or is he being nicer because she's royalty? *bzzzzzzzzzzzzt*

But I'm royalty, and he tried to get Mr. T to throw me out.

Oh yeah. The intercom broadcasts throughout the HQ.

You could have told me that EARLIER Macc. Gestahl, you're not a chick.

That's sex discrimination! I'll sue every last gil out of your...

You know what, Zeal? I tend to be really forgetful.

So?

Well, I forget a lot of things, like my important documents, my car keys...

The fact that you don't have a legal driver's license...

Well thanks. I also forget stuff like how much money I owe... For example, I think I owe Gestahl... what was it.. one or two hundred Gil?

I'll shut up now.

Oh yeah, it was three hundred MILLION Gil! I'll have to commit that to memory.

Until he screams about discrimination again.

That was subtle.

Anyway, whining and wussy Emperors aside, how are you, Zeal?

Pretty good. Working on my tan really. I think it's coming along nicely.

Tan?

Well yeah. I live in the Bahamas now.

Man, I didn't know being a villain paid that much.

It didn't. I won a sexual harassment suit.

Against who?

Dalton, the little pervert. Anyway, so I got filthy rich off of that, so I moved to the Bahamas with Schala.

And how is your lovely daughter?

Pretty good. After we patched things up, she moved in with me.

You are aware of the fact that your son is looking for his sister?

We left him a note!

Where?

On the Black Omen, just where he would find it.

And the Black Omen was destroyed...

I suppose that's why Janus has never visited.

Gee, you think? *bzzzzzzzzzt*

So how did you come into the villain biz?

Same way Golbez did.

You APPLIED for the job?

No, mental possession. Although Lavos did give me two weeks off each year. His vacation package was wonderful.

I figure there will be lines now for any hopeful villain who wants to hire.

Among eight people.

You watch this show too?

*holds up a mini-TV with FARTS on the screen* Faithfully. Schala and I have a temple to Macc at home.

I'm flattered. You think you can let me out of here?

Can we at least wait until the interview is done?

NO!

Sure.

I wonder if Kaisha knows about the temple.

Keep talking about it, and she will.

She probably already knows now.

And hopefully she'll come.

Nah. It's Taco Day, isn't it? Anyone who's not wearing Slave Crowns is in the commissary, and probably will stay there.

*crash* Sorry about that, Master... Hey... *feels head* That thing fell off!

Oh god no.

It's taco time! *runs away*

YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST LET ME OUT!

The lure of the sacred taco is too great, even for a Slave Crown. I knew I should have tightened that thing.

Well, I figure he'll tell everyone in the commissary what happened. I'll be rescued soon enough.

We ARE talking about the same Gilgamesh, aren't we?

Oh, nutbunnies.

Now that that's done... So what are your future plans?

Well, I've been bugging Square to give me a cameo or two in some of their future games, but they haven't gotten back to me on that. Now I'm just relaxing, trying to get all that messy business behind me.

I don't blame you.

It's hard being a failed villain. Not that many people want to employ you, since you seriously screwed up in your career and it doesn't help that you killed a bunch of people, abused your children, and caused general mayhem along with it.

Why am I not surprised?

Fortunately, I don't plan on being a "failed villain".

Too late.

Yeah, but I didn't kick small puppies.

I ONLY KICKED ONE!

Quiet, you spawn of evil. No decent person, no matter how evil they are, kicks small puppies.

But...

Yeah! I never had any of my minions kick small puppies! What's wrong with you Zeromus?

I thought it was funny!

Well, it's not. Now shut up and get back to work you two!

Yes Master.

Ok, now I have to tighten all of their Slave Crowns.

Yeah, probably.

Well I've never kicked small puppies.

Sure you didn't.

But I didn't! Well.. there was that one time..

See! You tried to lie to us!

But it was trying to chew my leg off!

But you still don't kick small puppies.

But I didn't want to!

I prefer gunning them down.

*scoots away from StarStorm*

If I could run away right now, I would.

Is your name Gilgamesh or Ultros?

No, why?

Then you can't run away.

Ok, I'd "strategically withdraw". It's not like I have a choice ANYWAY.

Don't worry, I haven't shot a cute little puppy in my life.

*whew*

I've capped ugly ass ones though.

Does that count?

No.

Let me guess, you consider all dogs ugly?

No, I only consider the ones that come up to me biting and snapping ugly. I don't like dogs anyway.

Why?

Cuz they always want to harm this poor, cute, innocent, and lovable kitty cat.

*breaks out into insane laughter*

And what's so funny?

Which part do you want first?

You know what? Shut up.

*bzzzzzzzzzzzt*

That's getting old.

How about I torch him instead, for a change of pace.

Fine by me.

*fwoooosh* *sizzle*

Much better.

Not really. *fwoooosh* *sizzle*

Anyway, I have one more question before we finish, Queen Zeal. Well, it's for all three of you.

Shoot.

What's the question?

So give.

What advice do you have for hopeful villains, or servants of villains?

Hmmm... I suggest making sure that your boss has an excellent benefits package.

Make sure you have a good reason for destroying or ruling the world.

Like Barbie dolls?

Yup.

*gag*

But it was a good reason!

Yeah. We know. I advise you don't kick small puppies.

Amen.

Anyway, that concludes this episode of FARTS, and I will be guest hosting the next one, and any others for the rest of eternity so... YIPE!

Click here! Why? Because I told you so!